Jan 13th
Proof Our Loved Ones Are Watching Over Us
Often times, after a loved one dies, we try to keep as many memories of them as we possibly can. We often will claim that they are up in heaven looking down at us, but in most cases, we don’t actually have any proof that they are. We just say it because we pray we will see them again in the afterlife and it makes us feel better to believe it. Today, I have received PROOF that my mom is indeed, still watching over my family. While I am a Christian and I have faith in God, I’m not going to claim that this is PROOF God exists, but I do believe it is proof that my mom is still watching us.
Today at 8:37am, I was awoken by a text message from my brother. The text was to inform me of what you’re seeing in the photo above. My aunt, uncle, and cousin’s house caught fire overnight and was pretty much destroyed. From the info I was given, the fire began in the family room by the fire place. I’m not sure EXACTLY what happened, but I’m assuming that they had a fire going earlier, it was still smoldering, a log popped and hot embers blew all over the carpet causing it to ignite. I may be way off base on that assumption, but the general ruling is that the fire began in that room near/in the fireplace.
My aunt, uncle and cousin were lucky to make it out as their bedrooms are all upstairs. The master bedroom sits right above the family room and the stairs down back up against it. No smoke detectors were going off as far as I know, but my uncle was awoken to the crackling of the flames. They had very little time to save their belongings and escaped with their pets, pajamas, shoes and socks, and that’s about it. They also managed to get their vehicles and my uncle’s Harley out of the garage, which is attached to the family room on one side. The flames were so hot that they melted the fence around their backyard in 3 different places.
Fast forward to later this morning, I receive another text from my brother letting me know the extent of the damage. The house is possibly a total loss. The left side of the house is worse than expected. The fire pretty much burned everything up and melted much more. The right side of the house wasn’t burned up, however, it was so waterlogged from the fire department that it may still be a total loss. That’s up to the insurance company now.
So what does all this have to do with proof that our loved ones are watching over us?
My aunt had a lot of stuff to remember my mom by…all of which should have been lost in the fire. She had one photo of her she specifically wanted that was destroyed, HOWEVER, the bear my mom made out of some old pajamas that was sitting on the mantle of the fireplace was undamaged. Soaking wet from the fire department, but undamaged. Everything else in the room…black. It looked like charcoal.
We also had some purple “dog tags” made for our Relay for Life team in memory of my mom that we wear at the Relays each year. They’re just cheap metal tags that say “In Loving Memory of Sheri L. Blackshire” with her birthdate and the date of her death on there. That tag was hanging from the railing on the stairs. Everything around it, black and burned up similar to the family room. The tags…completely undamaged. Both of those items should have melted/burned up due to the extreme heat of the fire, but they didn’t. Most of the photos of my mom, aside from the one above the fireplace that burned up were also salvageable I believe. Their frames were busted up, but the photos are still okay.
Some may argue that there’s a perfectly good explanation for that stuff not burning up…but I honestly don’t believe there’s any logical explanation. Not when every item around it is destroyed. That seems awful coincidental, don’t you think? Especially when it happened twice with items holding the same meaning.
I believe that was a message from my mom…giving my aunt, uncle, and cousin the strength to deal with having to rebuild their house and replace all that was lost in the fire, while accepting that some things just can’t be replaced. You know that while they’re extremely upset with the loss, that when they saw that bear and that dog tag sitting there, they couldn’t help but smile and realize my mom was watching over them and protecting them last night.
Paying for Pr0n
Jan 8th
Once upon a time there was this lonely single guy named…Slosh Brackfire…who is in no way related to Josh Blackshire.
He was a computer geek and loved to play with different pieces of software. One of the most intriguing pieces of software he’d recently begun to play with was his new “Flash Video Downloader” which basically allows him to download any flash videos playing in his browser (ie youtube videos).
Being that he was single and lonely…and a typical guy… he’d recently decided to start building his porn collection back up. Using his new Flash Video Downloader, he was able to go and save almost every embedded video that he liked from his favorite two websites.
One night he felt especially curious about a few different videos, but they cost a specific amount of money in order to view them for 24 hours. One was 16 minutes long and cost nearly $5. He decided this could be a worthwhile investment…utilizing his new Flash Video Downloader, he could pay $5 to download and keep the video for as long as he wanted (or until his hard drive crashed).
So even though he was nearly broke, he decided to add $15 to his account (hey…you never know…if he just buys that one, he may wanna buy one or two others later).
As soon as the transaction goes through, he clicks on the button for his “Flash Video Downloader”, hits the ‘Download’ button, and….video not found.
Fuck.
Jan 3rd
Look Through the Eyes of a School Shooter
I am different
The popular kids don’t like me
They make fun of me constantly
They dump my bookbag
And break my glasses
Sometimes I wear black to match my mood
They call me a goth and push me down
Every night I go home and pray
But nothing changes
Not a single thing
God has turned his back on me
I’m taking matters into my own hands
I’ll put a bullet in their heads
Make my classmates suffer
And take my own life in the end
“Do you believe in God?”
I used to
Maybe he’ll save you
But he forgot about me
*BANG*…looks like he forgot about you too
All I wanted was a friend
Someone to stand up for me
But nobody would
Now the gun’s at my head
My job here is done
…*BANG*…
JB 4/26/05
Not My Time
Jan 2nd
Not My Time
I’m giving it all up
it’s time to call it quits.
Taken too much shit
and received nothing in return.
Load all but one chamber
a spin and a kiss for luck.
Put the barrel against my head
With sweat pouring off my hands
I just can’t stop shaking
death awaits my next move.
Working up the courage
swallowing the lump in my throat
I Slowly squeeze the trigger…
Click.
Must not be my time.
Damn.
JB 1/17/05
You Can’t Fire Me Now! I’ve Already Quit!
Jan 1st
These are all old poems…but many of the people on my Facebook weren’t on my MySpace friends list and never had the chance to see these. Many of these are 4-5 years old and were from a very different period of my life. A period where I was dealing with failed relationships, friends leaving me face down in the dirt, and severe depression due to the death of my mom, other family troubles, as well as the previously mentioned issues. Some of these poems will suck and some I’m proud of…I’m just gonna choose them at random every few days until I run out. …and maybe, just maybe, I’ll come up with some new material in the meantime.
You Can’t Fire Me Now! I’ve Already Quit!
My effort’s been low
And my temper’s been high
Living like this,
It’s how I get by
I’m sick of the truth
I’d rather hear lies
Baffle me with bullshit
And kick my ass to the skies
I take my gun now
And prepare for the pain
I’m sick of your puzzles
Your ridiculous games
As the bullet enters my head
My mind relaxes a bit
You can’t fire me now!
I’ve already quit!
JB 8/22/05
Give Your Friends the Middle Finger
Dec 26th
I rant about relationships quite a bit…if you don’t like it, then hit your back button.
I’ve noticed something with most of my friends lately and it bugs me a bit. It probably shouldn’t bother me so much, but when your friends blow you off constantly for their significant others or it’s impossible to spend any time with them without their significant others tagging along, it gets to a point where you have to ask yourself, “Who are my true friends?” and you decide it’s time to give them the middle finger.
Three out of my four best friends are in serious relationships and now that I’m enjoying stalking people on Facebook…I mean, keeping in touch with everyone, I’ve noticed it’s a common trend with many others as well. As soon as a relationship becomes serious, the person’s social life becomes virtually non-existent. Now if you want to lose all your friends, that’s probably no big deal, but considering most relationships are not going to last forever (sorry to burst your bubble if you believed otherwise), you might want to try to retain your friendships. True friendships are forever.
Here’s a brief rundown of how I believe a healthy and long-lasting relationship will go…mind you, I’m no love doctor as my Facebook status will prove to you.
First you meet…you get to know each other with a lot of in-depth discussions. You don’t fuck on the first date…or even the second or third. Relationships based on sex will eventually fail once you get bored with the usual routine. Or maybe that’s just because I’m hung like a hamster and last about as long…oh, you think I’m joking, don’t you?
Anywho, if you click and things go well, you begin to get a bit more serious…you see each other more often and you agree to remain faithful to one another. You continue to stay faithful and see each other regularly, learning more and more about each other each day. This includes personal preferences, pet peeves, how to get along in fights, and for many will also includes preferences during sexual activity and perhaps even living together. In other words, this forms the basis for a healthy relationship.
The next step is engagement…once you’ve felt each other out for plenty of time (in my opinion two years of a steady relationship is good…less can work, don’t get me wrong, but personally it takes me more than just a year to really get to know a friend whether it’s romantically or platonically), this is the point where you decide you believe you want to spend the rest of your life together. This period should last another year or so and should include you living together and sleeping together (honestly, before engagement is probably even better). Now as a Christian, this is the point where some of my fellow Christians are about to ream me. But honestly, would you want to marry somebody who can’t please you sexually? I personally would want to know how the sex is, before I decide to spend the rest of my life with that person. Basically this is the point where you continue living both like you were before you got engaged and living like you’re married. This is the point where you need to make sure that this is indeed the right choice. Trust me, I speak from a friend’s experience, divorce is time-consuming and expensive and you really want to avoid it at all costs.
Finally is the marriage…and now you are both living your lives together, united as one. I don’t need to go into detail on this one I hope. To summarize, you are spending the rest of your life together…or you’ll be just another statistic for the divorce rates.
So to summarize, there are three major steps of a relationship:
1.) Dating/Courting
2.) Engagement
3.) Marriage
The problem I want to focus on is socializing with friends…almost all of my friends have decided that their significant others are the only people important in their lives and as such I have basically given them the middle finger. If I’m asked to do anything, I typically turn them down…either I’ll have a legit excuse, or I’ll use the excuse stemming from everyone feeling I’m an alcoholic and tell them I’m drunk or have plans to go to the bar that night. Do I actually go to the bar? Nah…I’m usually sitting right here…or watching tv.
So let’s focus on how socializing should work during the three stages of a relationship:
Dating/Courting
During this period you should have four aspects to your social life all taking up roughly equal parts of your time:
1.) Life with your girlfriend
2.) Life with your girlfriend and your/her friends
3.) Life without your girlfriend
4.) Life with your friends and without your girlfriend
Engagement
Same four aspects, but now you’re going to want to spend a little less time alone/with your friends and a little more with your lover. You shouldn’t cut your friends out completely however. This comes later.
Marriage
There is one aspect for your to follow in regards to marriage. Life with your love. Now this doesn’t mean that you HAVE to spend all your time together, but now you are OBLIGATED to at least invite your lover to join you. If the guys want to have a guy’s night, you must ask permission before doing so and if the wife says no, then you’re not having a guy’s night. This isn’t because you’re whipped, but when you went up to that podium and said your vows, you vowed to be united as one and to give your lives to each other.
In other words, what I’m getting at is simple…when you get married, your social life dies. So you need to get out and enjoy it while you’re not fully committed yet. Apparently most of my friends seem to have forgotten that part and they can’t seem to spend a single waking moment away from their lovers. One I blame him for…his girlfriend is a great girl, but he refuses to leave her side unless she ends up planning something without him. The other has a girlfriend who’s like a leech. When she’s in school, she has to spend every waking minute on the phone with him. If he hangs up, she gets pissed off. I invited him to come hang out with me for a weekend of camping and searching for snakes down in southern IL with some friends and she got pissed off at him for putting her on the spot, though that is the primary reason she said yes (yeah, had it been me, I woulda said, “Fuck you, I’m going.”), and then when we were there, the entire time she was sending him on a guilt trip via text messages and phone calls. Of course, I can’t blame her for it all, he puts up with it.
Then there’s this one night, my roommate and I decided to plan a guy’s night out while all their girlfriends were at a bachelorette party together. They didn’t show up until late…and even then, guess who tagged along? Oh yes…their girlfriends joined us as soon as they left the bachelorette party. Some guy’s night out, huh? We also decided to have a big Ohio State football party a while back…that was even more shitty…we gave our friends plenty of notice (like over a month) and come the day of the party, both ended up being busy with their lovers. Of course, my roommate’s girlfriend’s friends were able to make it…we ended up canceling seeing as how it wasn’t much of a party anymore…
So for you guys…fuck you! I hope you enjoy spending the rest of your lives with your lovers and nobody else.
First Ever Artist Review – Mojo/Decatur, IL
Dec 22nd
Eventually I’d like to turn this into something a bit more regular…but I need to work on my writing skills as far as reviewing music goes. On top of that, these reviews are to serve multiple purposes.
First, I would like to broaden my own horizons, especially in the world of unsigned music. There is so much unsigned music out there that is absolutely amazing and worthy of a record deal…sometimes it seems these local acts completely blow some of the currently mainstream acts out of the water.
Second, I want to give these artists some well deserved exposure. They all put their heart and soul into their work and without people like us who are willing to listen to their album and recommend it to others, their music may never make it to those who’s opinions matter most (record producers).
Lastly, I need something regular on my blog to keep my readers coming back and enjoying what they’re reading. Eventually you all will get bored of my rants and raves…and I don’t blame you for that.
If you are in a band and want to get me to write a review for you or you have a band to recommend to me, drop me an email at josh@blackshireserver.net. I’m not gonna lie, I will be more inclined to review UNSIGNED bands who provide me with an album to listen to as opposed to a link to their MySpace profile. This way I provide my recommendation as to whether the album is worth paying for or not. Of course, if I really like a band, I will provide a review of whatever music I’ve got from that band as long as I hear enough songs to make an accurate judgement. I also feel it’s important to say that my primary genres are country, rock, and lighter metal, but I do touch in a little rap/hip-hop every now and then.
I will also do my best to refrain from leaving negative reviews on my blog…the last thing I want to do is try to trash your reputation and start a war with your fans. If you submit your album and you never see a review, it may simply be because I wasn’t impressed. I may try to offer up a little constructive criticism based on my personal opinions, but just keep in mind that these are solely based on my opinions and may not reflect the views of any other potential fans out there.
———
Mojo/Decatur, IL
The first ever artist review from The Blackshire Chronicles goes out to the rap/hip-hop artist, Mojo, out of my hometown, Decatur, Illinois. Mojo is a traditional rap/hip-hop artist…nothing all THAT unique compared to many other rap/hip-hop artists go, but just listening to the eight songs on his MySpace profile, you would never realize that he’s just another Decatur, IL local and not some signed artist making millions of dollars each year. Not to mention a lot of mainstream rap may start out about real events based on real experiences, but eventually it’s just a bunch of rich guys rapping with no first-hand experience. With Mojo, you’re getting the real deal.
As far as sound quality/production goes, he sounds just as good as any mainstream rappers sitting on major labels out there right now. The sound is clean and clear and the recording is about as professional as you can get without owning commercial audio production equipment. His flows are smooth, not forced and his beats are catchy and unique.
I’ll be the first person to admit I that I love to have fun poking fun at rappers who say “nigga” frequently, rap about drugs, gangs, banging hoes, and so on, and while most of his songs involve all of the above, you’ll find that it doesn’t matter a single bit. By the end of the song, you’ll be bobbing your head to the beat and rapping right along with him [insert picture of me with my hat on sideways, flashing the closest thing to a gang symbol I know while bobbing my head]. Seriously though, this guy is talented as all get out, he has a professional sound, and chooses just the right people to do collaborations with. If he sticks with his dreams, he will go far.
As far as favorite songs go, I’d have to say that my top three favorite songs would have to be:
1.) I Choose the Life of a Thug – The beat isn’t anything too special, but the flow in this song is outstanding…I don’t think I heard a single stutter or forced rhyme and the song tells the story pretty well.
2.) Stay Fly – Another great flow, a little more upbeat and one of those you just can’t stop bobbing your head to.
3.) Pushin – This one’s got a unique sound to it that just catches your attention right from the beginning. The voice distortion caught my ear right away and sold me.
If you’re interested in checking out Mojo’s music, you can find him on MySpace
http://www.myspace.com/mojothanyoucanhandle07
If you’d like to purchase his album, he has his contact information on his page and he will personally make sure you receive a copy of his album.
Special thanks to my lil bro, Coady, for getting me hooked on this one. Comments are welcome on all these entries, especially the artist reviews as I’m sure they’d love to read other’s thoughts. For new users, your first comment will have to be approved by me to prevent spam attacks, but once you’re approved, your comments will show up immediately. Keep in mind, overly negative comments will be deleted.
I am an alcoholic…
Dec 21st
…or so some people may tell me…for a while I believed I was too, but now, not so much.
Yes, for a while had a pretty bad drinking problem and it’s no secret that alcoholism runs in my family. My dad’s had alcoholism issues pretty much since my mom died, my brother got himself into a lot of trouble…he was arrested a few different times due to his drinking and we both shared the troubles as far as our health went. We both nearly drank ourselves to death on numerous occasions. My brother just turned 21 today (happy birthday dude!) and I’m happy for him…he’s proved to me in recent months that he can manage his drinking, and I can only hope that he can continue drinking responsibly. I was bad for a while as well…I started out drinking socially and that didn’t last long as I wasn’t much of a partier. So then I turned to drinking alone… pick up a few Mike’s Hard Lemonades (yeah, bitch beers…I don’t like the taste of beer…sue me!) and I had a nice relaxing evening at home. Then I met my best friend liquor and a relationship was born…liquor made life seem great when I was down in the dumps. Pissed off? No big deal…I’ll drink my friend liquor and I’ll be smiling in an hour (and puking my guts out in 2)…
I had some good times during that period in my life…and I had some bad times…one night I was upset with my girlfriend and my brother and I had a few drinks together. He was drinking beer and I was downing my 4 pack of Lemondrop Cocktails in under 5 minutes…followed by 2 glasses of Hawaiian Punch each containing 4 shots of Everclear. For those who have never had the pleasure of drinking Everclear…I believe it gets its name from how much it clears up your sinuses after you drink it. Everclear smells like alcohol, tastes like gasoline, and is somewhere around 190 proof or 95% alcohol. If I remember correctly, typically 1 shot of Everclear is similar in effect to drinking 2 1/2 shots of your average liquor. I had all that down in under 20 minutes. That night I learned two things…my brother admitted that I could out drink him, which was a feat in itself, and I had a drinking problem.
Now this really isn’t a compilation of all my drinking stories, but rather, during this entire time, I was in control of myself. Yeah, I made some dumb mistakes, but I also was able to open my eyes up the next day (while battling a 48 hour hangover from Hell) and realize it without someone there shoving it down my throat. I’ve had multiple stories like the above, but the circumstances were all different…in other words, I rarely made the same mistake twice. That right there says, “Hey buddy…you may have a bit of a drinking problem, but you manage it really well!” At least to me it does…
So continuing on with this blog…the point I want to make is, the last time I was visiting family, some of my family members deemed it necessary to preach to me about drinking after I gave my brother and his girlfriend some advice that they disagreed with, including my brother. My brother is the jealous type of boyfriend and his girlfriend is used to going out to the bar and drinking every now and then. After hearing both sides of their story, I offered them my opinion which was simply that if he can’t trust his girlfriend, then they have no point in having a relationship. She said she’s only ever blacked out from drinking once and that was a long time ago. That told me that she’s a fairly responsible drinker. So if my brother wanted to be able to go drink with his friends alone, I felt that he should trust her enough to allow her to do the same. Now if they were married, there would be more circumstances and my opinion would probably change…but while simply dating…no. I see no problem in drinking without your significant other present, especially when they don’t appear to have a drinking problem (ie blacking out and fucking the first hot person of the opposite sex you meet). I also stated that if he had a problem with it simply because he never met her friends, then it was time for him to go out with her and meet her friends…to which she replied that she has offered and he refused. I told him to man up and do it.
My family had a field day with this and got on my case big time…first they tried to give me the whole, “If you’re going go out drinking…you should only do it together!” Uh…no. Once again, they’re dating…not married. When you’re dating, you should have 3 different aspects of your life.
1.) Life with your friends
2.) Life with your significant other and your/their friends
3.) Life with your significant other
Now while some of my friends seem to have forgotten this part…this, in my opinion, makes for an extremely healthy relationship. Once you’re married, everything changes as you have basically agreed to be united as one…so everything you do, your spouse also is fully entitled to do whether you want them to or not. This doesn’t mean you HAVE to everything together, but you should have the ability to. If you’re married and want to do something with “just the guys” you SHOULD have to obtain permission first…whereas, if you’re simply in a relationship, you SHOULD be able to tell your girlfriend, “I’m going to hang out with the guys this weekend.” Granted, it’s common courtesy to give notice in advance…but there should be no issues with that.
Moving on…that’s the first thing I strongly disagreed with.
But here’s where I really disagreed…the next thing they say is, “They shouldn’t be drinking anyway. Drinking is dumb and it never results in anything good.”
WHAT?
No fucking way. Did I seriously just get hit with that excuse?
So I ask, “Really…when was the last time you drank?” to which they reply back…
“I’ve never drank before…it tastes like crap and it’s dumb.”
Okay, so you’re telling me that you’ve never drank before, but you’re arguing with me and trying to tell me that drinking is dumb and never results in anything good? How do you know this if you’ve never been drunk?
While I admit that I’ve done some dumb things while drinking, I can honestly say that some of my favorite drinking stories involve me being drunk and/or blacked out…being blacked out isn’t good, but being drunk is great. It’s just a fun feeling trying to walk straight or better yet, having to utilize the walls to make it between the couch and the bathroom, and you realize how much your personality changes. For instance, I’m a very quiet person typically…I talk a lot with my good friends, but if I don’t know you very well, I tend to keep to myself. When I’m drunk…EVERYBODY is a good friend and I’m super happy and I deem it necessary to walk around the bar telling everybody how drunk I am. Yes, drinking is NOT entirely dumb…and it doesn’t ALWAYS result in something bad happening.
Then my family asks me, “Can you honestly tell me that while drinking, you’ve had something good come of it?” to which I reply, “Yes…I have many drunken stories I love to tell that I love to kick back and laugh at whenever I get a chance.”
“So you’re saying you wouldn’t have a problem telling your peers in church these stories of good things that have happened to you while drinking?”
Great…fucking bring church into it now. Yes, I’m a Christian…I love God…God is great and he takes good care of me. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to brag about my drinking in church. We’re all human and we all sin. Church is for praising God and most church-goers have two kinds of lives…life in church and life out of church. This goes for almost everyone except the pastors who are supposed to lead by example. I wonder if my family members would walk into church bragging about the awesome new sex position they discovered the night before…hey, they’re married so in the eyes of God it’s okay, and I’d assume it was probably good…so why shouldn’t they brag about THAT in church? Yeah…thought so.
This is getting long and I need to get up for work in less than 4 hours…so I guess I better just explain where I’m going with all this. The point of this rant is that frequently I receive lectures regarding my “drinking problems” from people who have never been drunk. This annoys me to no end. I once claimed Straight Edge (lifetime commitment from drinking, smoking, and promiscuous sex) and I was guilty of doing the same thing at one point in time…and I got bitched at for it too. I have since realized they were right. You can’t lecture someone of the error of their ways using opinions toward something you have no experience in. Now if they had used cold, hard facts…thats okay. I may not agree, but at least they were providing a legit argument.
Seriously folks…I’ve been told by so many people that I’m an alcoholic that for a while I’d begun to believe it myself. I mean I guess by technicality I am as they say alcoholism is a disease that never goes away…but I manage it just fine…and in my opinion, I’m not as much of an alcoholic as the people with no experience in drinking seem to think.
Sorry for this being so long and resulting in a lot of rambling…perhaps I may redo it later. Until then, I’m not going to publicly post it via Facebook like I usually do.
A Few Things I’ve Learned Throughout My Life…
Dec 15th
I’ve been trying to figure out a way to explain various memories in a single blog for a while now…I have too many dumb stories to try telling them all one by one in their own individual blogs. Eventually you all would get bored and quite honestly, I don’t feel like retelling each and every memory in great detail. I may save a couple here and there for their own individual blogs (while briefly touching on them here), but for the most part, I’ll just leave you all curious about what exactly happened. Not every one directly involved me as the “idiot”…however, I was involved in each and every one.
Some memories may be more recent whereas others may be from many years ago, they’re in no specific order.
A Few Things I’ve Learned Throughout My Life
It’s never a bright idea to relight the wick on a pipe bomb the size of an adult man’s arm (upper AND lower) when it goes out after burning for nearly 2 minutes (thankfully nobody died during this event or I’d most likely be writing this from prison).
Seating the beads on a tire using a can of starter fluid (ether) and a blow torch can most likely blow a limb off, however I was lucky and only saw stars for a few minutes.
Dropping a large rock on an empty CO2 cartridge creates a loud boom…and you may bleed from literally a hundred different places from a single leg.
Flaming balls of deodorant WILL light your front yard on fire, hairspray on stuffed animals will shoot a flame up your shorts if you light them while standing over top them, pine trees ignite very easily, and your kitchen stove is not a safe place to play with ether.
Model rocket kits kick ass, but they are designed with a parachute for a reason…removing/disabling the parachute ejection system for any reason could be hazardous to your health.
Bagging your friend in Walmart may lead to five police cars and an ambulance showing up…and if you aren’t arrested, you all may walk away with disorderly conduct charges.
There’s a reason why they make plastic golf balls for practicing golfing when you live in a residential area, a pitching wedge and a real golf ball never end in anything other than the sound of shattering glass from your neighbor’s windshield.
Blowing a front tire out at 60 mph may have been the best thing to ever happen to me when that was the slowest I had driven on that road all week (every other day I had been racing my friends at 100+).
4-wheelers don’t do reverse donuts in dry grass very easily at 40 mph…but you will gain a lot of distance before finally hitting the ground.
It’s not usually a good idea to pour gasoline on a fire and then try to light it with a kitchen lighter while bent over the fire pit.
There are certain things you shouldn’t do after getting your friends plastered at the bar–don’t take them shopping at Walmart or they may see a fat chick and habitually say (read: yell) “HOLY SHIT! LOOK AT THAT ASS!” and don’t try to make conversation with hot chicks outside the bar or they may end up making fun of your friend who’s standing there stabbing himself in the face going, “I can’t feel my face…”
Shaving cream is great for writing messages in someone’s driveway, however make sure your message is clean as it may be years before that message is no longer readable in the rain.
Know your escape route before lighting off fireworks on your friend’s porch or unplugging random strangers’ Christmas lights…nearly running over their neighbor while cutting through an unknown backyard or not knowing where you are when the owner of the house is hot on your tail is something you should try to avoid when at all possible.
There are plenty more stories…but this should leave you with a few laughs for now.
Proof That God……..Hates Me.
Dec 10th
I had something else on my mind that I wanted to write about today…but I forgot (I do that a lot!)…so instead I’ll give you a brief rundown of the past couple days. This brief rundown will simply be known as the proof that God hates me, because it is in fact, proof, that God hates me.
We shall start this story off with a recollection of yesterday’s weather…it started off okay. It was windy and a little rainy, but warm…I think it was around 50*F when I left for work. Yeah, that’s pretty fucking cold I know…but considering I was out power washing at work on Tuesday in 3 layers of shirts, 2 layers of pants, a coat, and gloves while it was sleeting like crazy, I will consider it an exception this one time.
I knew it was going to get cold pretty quickly so once again, I was layered up…actually, I’m pretty sure I’ve been wearing the same clothes all week–don’t ask. Right as the winds had really picked up, the snow started falling quite hard, and the temperature went from nowhere near tshirt weather but still somewhat comfortable in 3 layers of shirts to holy fucking shit that’s cold, I’m driving the tractor down to check out one of the empty buildings in the industrial park to see if the power company had kicked the power back on for me yet and on my way back to the barn I go to open the gate and I see a chain flying through the air. That’s never good…for those of you who don’t know where I work, we have gates blocking people from the property–one in front, one in back, and one way back across a field. The two back gates are chain-operated so basically seeing that chain snap meant, “Sorry about your luck…find another way in!”
Of course, I had another gate to go through, but see this is where the problem lies…my boss is currently home from Florida for the next few days and we have the company Christmas party going on at the farm on Saturday, so that gate NEEDS to be working. So I end up using the tractor to force the gate open because it was jammed BIGTIME from the chain wrapping repeatedly around the sprockets. I end up snapping the chain on the other end as well.
So the proof that God hates me? As soon as I get out of the tractor to pick up the chain, the bitter cold air hits me like a ton of bricks. Out of habit I immediately go, “God dammmmn!” and no sooner had the words left my mouth, the wind gusted nearly double that of what it had been all day…literally sucking nearly everyone ounce of energy from within my body. And if that wasn’t enough…I kept breaking shit for the next 4 hours and ended up working outside the rest of the day.
Fast forward to today…I get to work and decide to check our automatic watering trough to make sure it hasn’t frozen. There’s a heater in it, but if the water level gets too low, there won’t be enough circulation from the compartment with the heater to the water and it’ll freeze. Water level wasn’t too low…in fact, the damn thing was pouring water all over the concrete. Great.
So I spent the next half hour with my hands in the water adjusting the water level…turn the adjustment knob to the right. Overflows even worse! Turn it twice the distance the opposite way, even worse yet! WTF?! So I finally crank it about 3 full turns the same direction expecting it to only fill up halfway and it stops perfectly where it needs to. Okay seriously…somebody needs to design a better valve if the adjustment gets knocked that far outta whack with that little amount of use. Mind you, every time I had to mess with the adjuster, I had to pull the plug on the trough which sent water pouring out all over me…followed by reassembling the cover to the rear compartment which is metal and my gloves immediately froze to (so glad I remembered those!).
Then, while working on the empty building which we finally got power to, I end up having to haul lots of freezing cold water back and forth between the building and the barns…needless to say, I end up soaked.
And finally to top it all off, I decide to treat myself to some McDonalds on my way home from work since I skipped lunch and I go to park and every parking spot is taken…so I drive over to the parking lot next door which is about 40 feet further from the door and as soon as I shut off my Jeep, I swear to God, I look over and parking lot is suddenly half empty.
Tell me that isn’t enough proof that God is saying, “Fuck you! Thou shalt not use my name in vain!”
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