On multiple occasions, I’ve been questioned as to whether I’m okay or not based on new blogs I’ve written and/or Facebook status updates. Some people felt that I was suicidal and that some of the stuff I’ve written is more or less a suicide note before I off myself. This especially concerns those who know I am a gun nut and I tend to keep a loaded gun easy to access in a moment’s notice.

I’m not posting this blog to bash those people for simply being concerned, but to provide a little insight into my head which is something I often refuse to let people fully into.

I have depression. I have never been to a doctor for any form of treatment. I do not believe I am a danger to my life and I think seeking professional help is a sign that I’m giving up on life. Like with any other illness, I will self-medicate myself or use other forms of non-medicinal treatments. I can’t tell you what the extent of my “illness” is because of that, but what I can tell you is that I most certainly suffer from depression and some days it does make me feel as if my life is worthless and unnecessary and often times it does affect my personal life–both my job and my private life.

Imagine waking up in the morning and not even wanting to get out of bed. That’s me on a pretty regular basis. Feeling as if your life is so worthless and that you’re never going to make anything of yourself so you just say “fuck it” and go back to sleep. Eventually you realize you have a job to do that you cannot afford to lose…plus it’s a really good job…and you crawl out of bed and make your way to work. You spend most of your time talking to your Facebook friends because aside from your small group of friends, it’s the only place where you feel accepted by everyone.

Overall, you just don’t feel good enough for anybody, you’re constantly evaluating your life, your friendships, your job, your living situation, your relationships, your sex life….EVERYTHING…and you’re constantly realizing you just don’t measure up. Eventually those feelings overwhelm you…you sleep a lot, you write a lot of depressing status updates on Facebook, you just do everything you can to release some of those feelings. When you blow, it’s never good…it usually results in days of working and sleeping and not seeing hardly anybody…and those you do see, you snap on for virtually anything you can pick out (perhaps they just got argumentative about something you said you’d do that you hadn’t had a chance to get around to yet). You often feel the urge to end your life, but you know it’s too easy and would leave too many people hurting…so instead of doing that you find a release…that’s where my blogs and sometimes very controversial music video postings come in. My release is to write about things that are bothering me…and listen to music…usually darker/depressing music as hearing someone else sing of depression and suicide makes me feel better without actually trying it myself.

A lot of folks wonder why I often refuse to discuss what’s on my mind…while this IS a valid question, what they don’t realize is I’m the advice guy. I am the guy most of my friends turn to when they need advise on something…usually relationships. The advise guy should know everything and shouldn’t get caught up in his feelings. If I’m really bothered by something, I do have a few friends I can talk to…but for the most part, you will never see me contact someone directly for advise unless I think I’m losing my grip on reality. That’s about it though. Most of my friends have never and will never see behind the mask…and that is the real me.

There really isn’t any specific trigger to my depression…sometimes it’s because I’ve had a bad day or I’ve been rejected…other times I’m completely happy and then I’m left alone and I go into deep thought and end up dwelling on depressing events in my mind. I’ve often said that I’m the most dangerous when I’m left alone with myself.

Anyway…the main reason behind this blog isn’t to gather sympathy. I’ve been dealing with depression for many years and I don’t need sympathy or help now. I just want you folks to know and understand that I have no intentions of killing myself and that just because I seem to be really depressed doesn’t always mean I had a bad day, nor does it mean you were the one who caused it if you were the last person I spoke with.

I know I usually discuss more personal subjects, but I felt this one needed to be touched on today…so here you go!

A lot of people do their best to make sure their vehicle stays in tip top shape…rotating their tires, changing their oil, greasing up the suspension, checking brakes, etc.

One thing that’s often overlooked is the air in your tires. Bet the local Quick Lube hasn’t told you about them one before, have they? Even these guys tend to overlook it. Fresh air quickly begins to go stale when it sits and begins to go stagnant in an automobile tire. If you don’t believe me, go outside and release a little air and sniff it as it comes out. Does that smell like air to you? Yeah, I know…it probably smells more like somebody farted in your tire. That’s because air consists primarily of oxygen and nitrogen and as the oxygen molecules pass through the rubber in your tire, you’re actually being left with nearly 100% nitrogen which naturally has a stale smell to it. That is also why nitrogen inflation is actually bad for your vehicle. Over time the nitrogen breaks down into dioxynitric acid which causes the rubber in your tire to actually dry out and break down. Ever notice those random holes that appear in your tire and there’s nothing stuck inside them to cause them to leak? Yeah, that’s where the dioxynitric acid has actually eaten through the tire.

In order to prevent this problem from happening, it’s important that at least once a month you go outside, deflate all your tires until absolutely NO air comes out…if you have access to a vacuum pump, it would be extremely beneficial in this situation to ensure you get all that dioxynitric acid out just to be safe. Then take an air compressor (filled with FRESH air, don’t use old air that’s been sitting in the tank or else you’re just refilling the tires with contaminated air) and refill your tires to the proper specifications listed inside your door jamb or glove box. This will stop your random flat tires from occurring ever again. Of course it’s not going to stop a flat caused by running over a nail laying out in the street.

Just remember…fresh air can triple the life of your tires!!!

Tire Suffering From Dioxynitric Acid Corrosion

Normal Tire

…and remember I’m a completely sarcastic asshole who probably had half of you believing this completely bogus entry…what the hell is dioxynitric acid anyway?

Have a nice day and a Merry Christmas!

- Josh

Lately I’ve been feeling rather alone and figured I’d kinda start expanding my options and maybe try to jump back into the dating game a little bit…or at the very least, just start meeting and talking to people since it seems like most of my main friendships are disintegrating. Ha. Talk about a fucking joke. First of all, this isn’t directed toward anyone who knows me…so if you’re a Facebook friend and think this is directed at you, you’re wrong. This is actually directed toward the girls I’ve been seeing and messaging on the dating site I decided to join for shits and giggles. Oh yes, I joined a dating site. PlentyofFish.com to be exact. If you’re a member, feel free to let me know how compatible we are. HA.

So here I am reading through my matches every day… and every now and then I’d message a girl or two. Just a general, “Hi, how are you… saw we had a few things in common such as _________. Your thoughts on _______ are great! I totally agree! Reply back if you wanna chat sometime.”

Notice I didn’t ask anyone to marry me…I didn’t say, “Hey hottie, you’re on fire! Wanna play with my fire hose?!” or anything like that.

Every one of these girls had the same general description… “I don’t know what I’m looking for,” “I am very open minded,” “I just want a good guy who will treat me right and isn’t just looking for a fuck buddy!”

YEAAAAH RIGHT!

Funny thing is…every time I login and check my sent messages it’s the same shit different day… message read and deleted.

So apparently, these girls are no different from any of the other girls…they know exactly what they’re looking for…a hot guy who’s gonna play em like a fiddle. They are not very open minded unless you’re hot. And they are obviously concerned more about finding a HOT guy than a GOOD guy.

So to all those ladies out there…FUCK YOU. YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN ANY OTHER WOMAN ON THAT GOD DAMNED DATING SITE.

And after that, I changed my profile…instead of describing myself in full it basically gives a couple short paragraphs about me and says something along the lines of, ‘If you don’t like reptiles, guns, or dogs on crack just click ‘BACK’ now.”

I can’t believe I actually thought that shit was gonna work.

The worst part of all…I actually skipped out on the strip club tonight due to working too late. At least then I could have found love for the evening.

FUCK!

Sometimes my biggest issue with people isn’t that I’m good with advice…or good at reading their relationship. It’s simply that they can’t handle the truth and I’m just an asshole who doesn’t give a shit what others think. Actually that’s about as far as you could get from the truth. So contrary to popular belief…if you think I’m an asshole, you need to take a moment to close your fucking mouth, open your fucking mind, and take a look at the bigger picture.

Brutal? Yes, that I can be. And while it may hurt people’s feelings, if you chose to take it into consideration, perhaps you’d find yourself actually learning from it.

So this is a break down of someone I know’s relationship problems…the causes, the likely end result, and opinions on potential solutions. Being that I am not them, none of this is completely set in stone and none of this is guaranteed to work, however, I’ve only claimed to be analytical, not a fucking psychic. Your job as the reader? If you think you’re involved…get pissed at me and ignore it, get pissed at me and learn from it, or thank me later. If you know it’s not about you, thoughts about my thoughts are always appreciated. I don’t claim to know everything, but I can read things a lot better from the outside than you can from the inside, especially when I often see things from a multitude of angles.

We’re going to call this couple Sam and Becky to protect identities, because once again…I’m not ACTUALLY an asshole and I’m not going to put anyone on the spot.

Sam is a normal person working an average job to make a living. Normally his schedule leaves him with his weekends free with very little free time during the week. Becky is a full-time college student living on campus who comes home on the weekends to work at her part-time job. Being that Sam is only free on the weekends, he will often make plans with his friends on the weekends…usually trying to leave time available to spend with Becky when she’s not at work. Sometimes he’s still busy with his friends a little after she gets off work, but he still intends to spend time with her shortly after. Becky gets angry with him for spending time with his friends over her…even though that’s the only time he and his friends have time off at the same time. Becky is then upset with him the rest of the weekend unless he sits around begging for forgiveness and admitting all fault. If he doesn’t wait on her hand and foot, he’s a complete disappointment and a total asshole.

Sam has been planning a trip with a friend that’s been extremely important to him for years but unfortunately he starts a new job in a week so unless something crazy happens, he’s not going to be able to make this trip for at least 90 days…and even then only if scheduling works out properly with his friend. At the very last minute Friday evening, Sam and his friend realize they can squeeze the trip in the weekend before he starts the new job. The only catch is he’s not going to be able to see Becky for most of Saturday afternoon…but he’d be free later that evening. Sunday he’s going back, but only for a few hours and Becky has to work anyway so she won’t see him. Becky is extremely upset and claims he’s once again a disappointment and is extremely upset with him and angry most of that Saturday. Even though Becky knew how important this trip was to him and had he done it at a later date, she wouldn’t have been able to see him for twice as long on Saturday. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Any time Sam wants to do anything…if Becky is home from school, she expects Sam to be spending time with her, even when she’s doing homework. She doesn’t realize this is also the only time Sam has free time. If he chooses to leave because he’s no longer interested in sitting there in silence watching her do her homework, she gets upset. When she’s at work, she expects him to sit at home and wait until she’s free…if he chooses to do anything to fill that time, she gets angry, ESPECIALLY if it lasts past the time she gets off work.

During the week is no better… Sam goes home and sits on the phone with Becky in complete silence, usually while playing video games just to try to pass the time even though he has his own stuff he needs to get done, but if he gets off the phone, Becky will be angry. Sometimes, Becky gets angry just because he called…or because he took too long to call back. Etc. Worse yet…when he calls and she asks for help and then suddenly she’s angry at him because he’s not helping enough even though he’s offered to help. This happens 4-5 times a week minimum. Eventually he blows up on her because he’s sick of playing the same games and she gets upset. Sometimes she comments that he’s turning into an emotionless asshole like myself who doesn’t care about her at all. Eventually she apologizes and instead of taking responsibility for being a bitch to him, she blames it on all the stress she’s under. It’s the same shit different day and has been this way for months…if not the past year or two.

So what I’m getting at is this… things have not changed in the months I’ve seen them happening. I know Sam is not the perfect boyfriend and I’m not trying to defend him entirely, however, Becky needs to step up and take responsibility for her actions. She’s always getting mad at Sam and blaming everything on him. Then when he finally throws it back in her face, instead of her analyzing the situation at hand and coming to the realization that SHE is the common factor in every situation, she blames it on the stress from this…or the stress from that…or the stress from that…or the stress from THAT. It’s not her fault…it’s the book report that’s due in a week…or the history paper due on Tuesday.

We were actually talking to each other a while back and it turned into a discussion on relationships…which we were giving each others’ opinions on and I’d hoped to maybe discuss things with her a little bit (if she asked–I wasn’t about to tread on that turf uninvited) about her own relationship to help her understand where Sam was coming from. Of course, she asked for my opinion on a very touchy personal subject…which I thought I did well at preventing her from being offended, but of course, she completely misconstrued everything I said, only taking in the bits and pieces she wanted to hear and then it was all over with because now I’m an asshole who apparently doesn’t care about her or our friendship a single bit (longer story than I have time to type).

So this is the point where I voice my opinions to her… Becky, I do not coach Sam on how to handle a situation aside from offer advice when he asks for it. Trust me, if I were coaching him, he would have already dumped your ass by now. But if you don’t start evaluating the problems in your relationship, I can’t say he’s gonna put up with your shit much longer. I HAVE noticed that he’s begun to stand up for himself more often. I am proud of him for that. He needs to stand up for himself sometimes. Now with that…I don’t hate you…in fact, I get along with you quite well. I don’t have a problem with your relationship either. I DO have a problem with your attitude, but if you could see yourself from the outside and realize how irrational you’re being, I think you’d see where I’m coming from. I’m merely trying to say that if you continue to blame all of your problems on petty little events in your life, chances are you’re going to end up single…and even if you don’t, you’re going to constantly be angry at Sam because of _____________ and neither one of you will be truly happy except on those rare nights when you’re NOT fighting.

Don’t take this as me telling either of you what to do…take it as, this is how I see your relationship (trust me, I’m not alone in those beliefs…I can name off a few other people in complete agreement with me) and if you want to be happy, maybe this will point out some obvious flaws to both of you so you can work on making things work out. If not, it’ll give me a basis for the “I told you so”…which will come at a later date.

This one’s gonna actually gonna be a lot more personal than my other blogs. My other blogs while surrounding important aspects of my life, usually don’t target anyone directly…or at least when they do, only those involved know they’re being targeted whereas in this blog, I’m directly pointing fingers.

Last night, I spent 2 1/2 hrs on the phone with my aunt…and I’m not exaggerating, 99.5% of that time was spent arguing about my brother, politics, and religion. Mostly my brother and religion.

So we’ll discuss the main topic that left me a bit miffed…

For those who don’t know, I became an uncle again a couple of days ago. I’m actually not sure exactly when. My brother’s son was born. The first thing I noticed when I found this out was that his son did not take the last name of my brother, so I knew things were not going to be good with him in THAT department (he’s always wanted a boy to make sure at least one of us manages to carry on the Blackshire name), though when he told me I did say congrats and we talked about it for a while. According to him, she did not put his name on the birth certificate and she also did not give her child his last name. So he basically has said “fuck it”…legally I’m not the father, I’m not obligated to pay child support and I especially am not going to do anything for my child who isn’t even going to carry on my last name. Do I agree with this entirely, no…but to be honest, if I got a girl pregnant and we had a rough break up and then she opted to give her child her last name, I’d probably do the same thing. Throw the child support thing in there, and I’d really probably avoid getting involved. Child support isn’t cheap and if they really don’t give a shit if you’re a part of your child’s life, then the smartest thing you can do is get the hell out of dodge before she changes her mind and only wants you to get involved for the monthly paycheck. Regardless…this isn’t a debate of whether his choices are right or wrong. It’s his life, he’s going to deal with things the way he wants to…I think we can all agree, the smart thing would have been to use protection in the first place. lol

But here’s where things get rocky…

Things between my brother and his ex started getting rough early in the pregnancy…and eventually everything went sour and they split up. There are multiple versions of the stories that are going around…primarily his side and her side and various spin-offs of each one. I received his side directly from him and I trust that that is how it went down at least from his viewpoint. Sure, he may have left a few details out, but you know what…HE is my brother. She is an ex girlfriend and anybody who’s lived a normal life can tell you, there will be plenty of ex’s in a person’s life and they will come and go. The problem is…many members of my family are turning against my brother and taking his ex’s side (some are even arguing with what he told me and saying that isn’t what happened…she said ____________ is what happened) and he’s being lectured and bitched at constantly for his decisions. What the hell? You know I may not always agree with my brother’s decisions, but as I mentioned before…he’s my fucking brother. You can bet your ass I will trust him and support him through thick and thin. So going off of that…certain members of my family have decided to stay involved in this baby’s life. That’s fine if they want to be…but keep it to yourself. I was asked if I wanted to see all the pictures of my nephew and I said, “No, to be honest I don’t.” Which led to another argument. They tried to guilt me into being a part of his life because I’m his uncle. My response was “No, legally I am not” and regardless, if he doesn’t want to be a part of his child’s life, then I am not going to go over his head and get involved. If he never sees his child, then neither will I…and it’s probably best that I don’t anyway because I’d be the uncle the kid saw once every few years if he was lucky. Now if he chooses to be a part of his child’s life, I will try to stay more involved, but if he feels its best to stay out entirely, then it will be hard enough for him to stay out of it without his family rubbing it in his face every time they see him.

So I also spent a lot of time last night talking to my brother before the phone call and we discussed him considering moving back here…however, the problem with that is he can’t get a job with his drug charge on his record, even though that was like 3 years ago. So I brought up the topic of getting that charge expunged from his record…mainly, how much it would cost to do it. Now, once again…BECAUSE HE’S MY BROTHER, I told him to start setting money aside for it and if he can’t get the entire amount, I’ll see what I can do to help him pay for it. When I discussed this with my aunt (she asked how he was going to get a job here if he chose to move back), she bout had a shitfit… “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT FOR HIM?! YOU’RE ENABLING HIM! HE NEEDS TO PAY FOR IT ON HIS OWN SO HE CAN LEARN HIS LESSON!” What the fuck?! I’m not enabling shit! The only thing I’m “enabling” is his opportunity to get a job here! He’s already learned his lesson…he’s working a dead-end job in another state because nobody in Ohio will hire him once they’ve completed a background check and he already paid his fines, did his probation and served his time in jail!

Her response: “Well, he should pay for it himself so he actually learns something from it! What happens if he goes out and gets another drug charge…or what if he gets a DUI!”

Okay…for starters…if he gets another drug charge, I will have learned my lesson the first time and I won’t help him get out of it again anytime soon. Second, KEEPING that charge on there is not stopping him from getting another drug charge. You can always be charged again. And lastly, WHAT THE FUCK DOES A DUI HAVE TO DO WITH A ‘POSSESSION OF DRUG PARAPHERNALIA’ CHARGE?!?!?! That’s like saying, “Why would you let you your kid drive his car when he’s a known speeder? He might rape somebody!”

My brother is caught in a perfect catch 22…in order to pay for the charge to be expunged, he needs a better job, but in order to get a better job, he needs to get the charge expunged (or wait until some company has deemed him “clean” which could be 10 years). I am not enabling him, I am making an attempt to support my brother and help him clean his life up. While yes, I know he’s had a history of personal marijuana use (I think he’s even quit that within the past few months), he hasn’t been involved in anything else drug related in the past 3 years. Heck, he used to be a huge alcoholic and he barely even drinks now…I was quite surprised when we went out to a bar while I was there recently and he didn’t even know a lot of the “proper bar etiquette”…because that was the first or second time he’d legally been in a bar.

Anyway, the point of the story is…I’m rather disgusted at the way some of my family members are handling the situation with my brother and I’m even more disgusted that some of them are willing to trust his ex girlfriend more than their own flesh and blood. My brother is my best friend and I love him to death. I will always have his back and if put into a situation where I had to choose between saving my life or his, I wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice mine for his. And I think that’s how it should be with your own family.

(Sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors…I wrote faster than I could think and didn’t really have time to go back and proofread things)

P.S.

It was mentioned by my aunt that if my mom were still alive, she’d want to be involved in my nephew’s life. If you want to get under skin, make a comment about what my mom would do to support your argument against me…that’ll really make my ears steam. My mom isn’t here and nobody will ever know if she would want to be involved in my nephew’s life. What I CAN tell you is that my mom would have supported her son’s decisions no matter what, whether she agreed with them or not.