Some people wonder why it is that I keep sitting here hoping for a second chance with my ex rather than just sucking it up and moving on like I probably should. Normally, I can and do…or at least after a couple weeks I can. Either we break up and from that point on (or even earlier), I realize things wouldn’t have worked out or after a week or so, you know you get a chance to really reflect on things and you start to see signs you were oblivious to while you were dating that were dead giveaways that she just wasn’t the right person for you. Some of them were signs that you always saw but refused to acknowledge (ie when I dated my previous ex, she barely wanted to sleep in the same bed as me…she wasn’t a cuddler and hated being touched…I like girls who are fairly clingy when they’re trying to fall asleep. It makes me feel wanted. That was something I refused to acknowledge) or some of them were just little quirks that you end up realizing would have driven you nuts (ie bad habits). Well with this last girlfriend, I still can’t come up with a damn thing to put on that list. The closest thing I could think of was that she smoked, but when she was over at my house, she’d go all night without smoking…she just didn’t feel it was necessary when we were together. I’m not saying she was perfect, we all have our own little flaws, but there were no big deal breakers.

The other reason is because I still don’t believe she’s happy with the ex she went back to and I hope she comes to realize she made a mistake going back to him with the hopes that he would/has changed…why she hasn’t already left him yet, I don’t know, but I think she’s either still hopeful he’ll change, trying to force things to work in order to have a family with a guy she was once engaged to, or out to prove us all wrong. We hung out recently and she talked about him. I’m not going to sit here and publicly post everything since there’s about a 98.5% chance she’ll also end up reading this and I don’t want to piss her off by detailing private conversations we’ve had, but I’ll just say from the discussions we’ve had that so far most of what I figured was right, in my opinion. He hasn’t changed for the most part…he’s disrespectful, jealous and just generally treats her like dirt.

I won’t detail my other opinions of him, we’ll just leave it that I still believe he’s a piece of shit and so far from the discussions we’ve had, many of my opinions have been either confirmed or there is evidence that I was right about them.

The other night while we were hanging out, we ended up in a reaaaaally funny but awkward conversation…we’d gone outside to talk while she smoked a cigarette and another guy came out and joined us. We’re sitting around talking and after a bit he looks over and says, “You two should hook up. I can tell from your body language that you’re both into each other. Kinda looking over at each other but looking away to avoid eye contact. It’s really obvious.”

We kinda laughed and he’s like, “I’m serious! You both should! Are you together, are you even friends or do you not even really know each other?”

I’m like, “She’s my ex.”

He goes, “Ohhhh…well you should try things again. There’s obviously still a spark there.”

I can be a bit of an ass at times so I figured now was the best time of any to take a jab at her boyfriend… “Well, I’d be trying for another chance if she wasn’t dating some other douchebag.”

He replied, “Well, she’s about done with him. She just doesn’t realize it yet.”

Surprisingly, she laughed and said, “Oh yeah?” I don’t remember where the conversation went from there but when he went back inside, I swore up and down that I didn’t know him and didn’t stage that conversation…although he’s in there every now and then and I’m totally buying him a beer next time I see him because that was fucking priceless.

But yeah…the above reasons are the main reasons why I refuse to give up on us and just move on. I’m talking with other girls and have already told my ex I’m not going to wait around for her…I’ve gotta live my own life and move on if she never comes back, but I still remain hopeful that she comes to realize what she gave up and sees that he’s never going to change to be the perfect boyfriend/husband (or if he does change, the question…”for how long?” will always be there) whereas she was already happy with me and there was nothing I needed to do in order for her to be happy. I am who I am and I always will be.

Jason Aldean
“Do You Wish It Was Me”

When the sun slowly chases the moon from the sky
And touches your face as you open your eyes
What are you thinking? Do you like what you see?
Is it all that you dreamed of or do you wish it was me?

Is the life that you’ve chosen free from regret?
Or is what might have been just too hard to forget?
Has the glitter all faded? Do you get what you need?
Are you satisfied baby or do you wish it was me?

I know that you did what you thought you should do
It was safe and secure so completely thought through
You sacrificed passion and abandoned your dreams
Baby, was it all worth it or do you wish it was me?

Does each kiss seem closer to the first or the last?
Is the fire still ragin’ or has it burned down to ash?
Do the memories haunt you? Do they beg and they plead?
Are you satisfied baby or do you wish it was me?

Is the life that you’ve chosen free from regret?
Or is what might have been just too hard to forget?
Has the glitter all faded? Do you get what you need?
Are you satisfied baby or do you wish it was me?
Are you satisfied baby? mmm…yeah
Or
Do you wish it was me? (2x)
Oh,
Do you wish it was me?(4x)

I’m not a great poet…I also don’t write poetry very often…especially anymore. But a lot of people have been interested in stuff I’ve written in the past and I just realized I’ve only posted one or two on here…so here’s a blog with my full collection of poems. I’m going to leave them formatted the way I have them saved in their notepad documents. Too much work at 3am to change that. Scratch that, I reformatted them so they were easier to read. I also included the stories behind every one I recall the stories to in italics underneath each poem. Most are free-verse…I usually can’t express myself enough by forcing myself to make everything rhyme.

—–

And Then They’re Gone…

They’re your role model
Your best friend
Made from your strength
Filled with your love
But the man upstairs calls
And then they’re gone

Taken your strength
Swiped your love
He has robbed it all
No reason left to live
Or maybe there is
They’re called your friends

We’ll give you our strength
It makes us stronger
We’ll give you our love
It makes us love more
We’ll get you back on your feet
Back to the way things used to be

After all we’re friends
That’s what we’re here for
A shoulder to cry on
A wall of protection
We’ll hold onto you
Even when you’ve let go.

JB 8/2/05

**This was written for my friend Carrie after her grandma’s death. She and her grandma were extremely close and she was absolutely devastated when she passed away. I wrote this reminding her that all of us who were her friends were always here for her when she felt like she just couldn’t handle things anymore.***

—–

Bullet in my Head

You can’t even say it to my face
Hell, you can’t say it to me at all
I find out through the grapevine
About your planned addiction to alcohol

Does it make you feel special?
Does it help you to fit in?
I’ve yet to understand you
Maybe I just cannot comprehend

I hate the way you treat me
Yet I can’t stop caring for you
Everything you say
Everything you do

But now you really did it
You’ve put a bullet in my head
Maybe I should call it all off
And declare this the end

JB 1/17/05

**Once upon a time I was Straight Edge and I refused to touch alcohol…cigarettes…or any other recreational drugs. One of the people in our main group who I had a crush on at the time admitted to one of the guys that when she turned 21, she planned on drinking a lot more and limiting herself from hanging out with us.**

—–

Bulletproof

Running away from my thoughts
Never looking back
I just want to get away
Never to return

You will never understand
Not in a million years
I don’t even understand
And I probably never will

You don’t help matters any
One minute I think I understand you
Then you throw a curveball
And I’m confused all over again

Don’t wanna relationship
I’m a great friend though
Gee, thanks a lot
That ALMOST fixes my shattered heart

So you turn me into your nice guy
You tell me your problems
I sit here comforting you
And recommend a solution

No, don’t do it
I tried to tell you
But you didn’t listen
You never do

Why do I even bother?
Of course when I try to quit
Everyone gets pissed
“That’s not who you are!”

Well fuck you too
Why don’t you sit in for me
See how it feels
I can only take so much

What will you do when I’m gone, huh?
I hope you blame yourself
For the bullet through my head
And my brains decorating the wall

That will never happen
“I never saw it coming!”
Of course you didn’t
You think I’m bulletproof

But you’re not even close.

JB 10/16/06

**No idea of the story behind this one…but obviously it was about how I liked somebody and got thrown into the “friends zone”.**

—–

Disposable Friend

Look at me
Tell me what you see
Baggy black clothes
hiding those extra pounds
A constant frown
and an ice cold stare
Maybe if you’re lucky
you’ll even hear me speak

But look beyond that
Look into my eyes
Beyond the hatred
Beyond the hurt feelings
Look at the real me
Full of love
Always wanting to help
Putting others in front of myself

I’ve gone through so much
Experienced what no one should
Been an outcast all my life
Lost my mom at sixteen
My dad’s an alcoholic
But what about me?
I’m still here
Helping you and ignoring myself

My love life sucks
It’s never been great
I think I’ve found a keeper
Nope, nevermind
I’m too nice
Too innocent
A great friend
But only that

But am I really even a friend?
I put my life aside for you
Life for you is good again
I’m like a towel
You use me while you need me
Then you throw me in the hamper
Oh I get it now
I’m the disposable friend

JB 1/17/05

**This one is about all the girls who I like that spend time with me and get to know me…and then they friend zone me and use me as their advice guy. And once things are going great for them, they quit speaking to me until things get rough again.**

—–

For You (and only you)

Define perfection
Earthly perfection
What is it to you?

The “perfect” date…
A trip to the beach
Dinner and a movie
Maybe it’s just sitting at home,
enjoying the evening alone

Can anyone truly be perfect?
Maybe he likes giving greasy hugs
But not everyone likes to receive them
That’s not quite perfect

Or maybe she’s a night owl
Not everyone can appreciate that
Some can, some can’t
That’s not perfection either

Perfection is loving everything about someone
Not loving this aspect,
While hating that one
That’s just wishful thinking

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”
So is perfection
Nobody’s perfect to everyone

But when I look at you…
In my eyes, you’ve just defined perfection.

JB 6/19/07

**Definitely wrote this one for an ex of mine when we were still dating.**

—–

Growing Old

Laying in bed staring at the ceiling
Can’t sleep for the life of me
Finally decided to write
About me and about my life

Nobody’s ever gotten to know me
And at this rate nobody ever will
They see me on the outside
And assume they know what’s in the inside

But they’re wrong
Ever so wrong
I try to be a good friend
And end up being walked all over

All I want is a stable life
To enjoy every minute
And forget about my past
The future is where it’s at

Forget the parties
They’re worthless
Friends and relationships
Those are what’s important

I ask for one chance
One chance to prove myself
Instead I’m shot down
My face shoved into the dirt

Well someday you’ll awaken
And someday I won’t
Never found true love
Grew up and died alone

JB 4/21/05

**This one speaks for itself…basically that I’m rarely given the chance to prove what a great guy I can be and because of that, I rarely get involved in serious relationships and at this rate, I will die alone.**

—–

Look Through the Eyes of a School Shooter

I am different
The popular kids don’t like me
They make fun of me constantly
They dump my bookbag
And break my glasses

Sometimes I wear black to match my mood
They call me a goth and push me down
Every night I go home and pray
But nothing changes
Not a single thing

God has turned his back on me
I’m taking matters into my own hands
I’ll put a bullet in their heads
Make my classmates suffer
And take my own life in the end

“Do you believe in God?”
I used to
Maybe he’ll save you
But he forgot about me
*BANG*…looks like he forgot about you too

All I wanted was a friend
Someone to stand up for me
But nobody would
Now the gun’s at my head
My job here is done

…*BANG*…

JB 4/26/05

**This one always strikes up a lot of controversy. I don’t condone the actions of school shooters…but I understand that a person can only take so much bullying before they snap. People always blame the school shooters saying they were crazy… “Oh they were so weird!” “They never had any friends!” “They always sat by themselves at lunch!” Of course eventually people will man up and admit, “A lot of people used to make fun of him…” “He was often picked on…” etc. As someone who was bullied throughout my childhood, I am all too familiar with the effects of bullying. I am an emotionally strong person…I had found ways to help release pent up anger so I never snapped. Not everybody can do that…everything that worked for me didn’t necessarily work for everyone. This is about those who just couldn’t take anymore…and the thoughts that were running through their minds in the end.**

—–

Midnight Cruise

Cruising along at 80 miles per hour
This shitty day running through my head
The road is empty as far as I can see
I start to realize the weight of my foot
As it sinks down to the floor
85, 90, 95, 100…
The needle never stops
Floating over the hills,
Like a beach ball in the wind
I begin to feel super-human
Now it’s time for the test
Without blinking an eye,
I crank the wheel to the left
The adrenaline is pumping
All my feeling is lost
My front-end drops as my back-end raises
13 flips and my truck is in pieces
The ambulance arrives, but I’m nowhere to be found
I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt,
When my adventure began
100 feet away, my body’s been found
There’s nothing they can do
I’m already dead
Grown sick of my life
It was time for my wreck
My suicide

JB 8/22/05

**There were a few times when I was really depressed where I’d go out late at night on a back highway and just cruise at 100+ mph…I never planned on killing myself that way nor had any intentions of doing so, but I often thought about how easy it would be to just “accidentally” crank the wheel to the left, sending me and my truck crashing off the road and ending all my pain for good.**

—–

Not My Time

I’m giving it all up
it’s time to call it quits.
Taken too much shit
and received nothing in return.
Load all but one chamber
a spin and a kiss for luck.
Put the barrel against my head
With sweat pouring off my hands
I just can’t stop shaking
death awaits my next move.
Working up the courage
swallowing the lump in my throat
I Slowly squeeze the trigger…
Click.
Must not be my time.
Damn.

JB 1/17/05

**Obviously I wrote a poem about playing my own version of Russian Roulette with the sole intentions of killing myself, unless I was either extremely lucky or not meant to die that day. For the record, I do not own any revolvers and if I intended to kill myself using a gun…I’d just load one bullet into my Glock 27 magazine and play Russian Roulette that way. Yes, I’m being sarcastic. Anyone who owns a semi-auto pistol will understand why.**

—–

Sexual Chocolate

That sweet sensual taste
Flowing between my lips
Oozing down my throat
My brain in total bliss

I just can’t stay away
I can never have enough
If you try and keep me from it
Things just might get rough

Release my white milk
Fill it to the brim
Add the creamy paste
And a lil magic with a grin

It’s all about the motion of my hand
Never uttering a word
Proper preparation is vital
Good chocolate milk’s shaken, never stirred.

JB 4/27/05

-Written in collaboration with Eric Strawser-

**Eric and I were bored and wanted to write something fairly humorous…so we just started writing this via AOL Instant Messenger for laughs.**

—–

Someone Special

I can’t help but sit here
Thinking of all the lies she told me
But I’m not hateful.
To be honest, I find it kind of funny.

She introduced me to a mask.
Acted like she enjoyed every minute of it.
Told me she’d love to do it again.
And every time that chance came,
she conveniently forgot.

Must have been real important, huh?
But it’s all good.
I don’t really care.
I’ve long since moved on.
That last show just reminded me of it all.

Now I’ve got someone more important on my mind.
Someone special.
Much more special than she ever was.
I was just too blind to realize it at the time.
…until it was too late, and she was gone.

Now I’ve got a second chance.
…but i’m too scared to take it.
Scared of going through all the bullshit again.
Prolly gonna wait too long and kick myself in the ass.

I just want a sign that things will go right for a change.
Too scared to pray for it…
…every time I do, I get the answer I prayed I wouldn’t get.
So now I’ll just sit here and dwell on it.

Maybe she’ll read this.
Maybe she’ll understand.
And just maybe,
she’ll give me the sign I’m looking for.

…or maybe, I’m just plain fucked.

JB 1/24/06

**To be honest, I have no idea who either girl referenced in this is about or the story behind it.**

—–

Thinking of You

Lying in bed
Can’t sleep again
Images of you
Running through my head

Looking back
At all my previous failures
I never took a chance
It’s all just trial and error

Once I get you into my arms
I’m sure you’ll see
Beyond my cold eyes
You’ll see the real me

I’ve still got a lot to learn
Not quite a boy, not quite a man
But give me some time
And I’ll become all that I can

I don’t ask for your love
At least not right now
Someday I’ll unlock your heart
And you’ll never understand how

JB ’05 (undated–8/2/05 possibly)

**It was about a girl…if I remember right, just a crush, and things didn’t work out between us from day one. Well, she liked me…and I ended up deciding things just couldn’t work out between us. Out of fear mostly I think.**

—–

Thundering Sunshine

Have you ever been so happy
That it depresses you?
Everything is so perfect
And you’re terrified of losing it all.

And it’s those thoughts
that keep dragging me down.
Already gone further
Than I ever intended to go.

I’ve got everything to gain
And even more to lose.
But my heart says Go!
While my brain screams NO!

I swore I was done.
I always get hurt.
Now it’ll be nobody’s fault
Only my own.

This time seems different.
I just can’t let it go.
I don’t know why
Maybe she does?

All I can do is pray.
Pray that it’s meant to be.
And if it doesn’t work out
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

JB 7/4/06

**Another one about a crush..I THINK I know who this one is about, but I’m not 100% sure. Either way, things didn’t pan out like I’d hoped, but she ended up becoming one of my best friends and we’re still very good friends today.**

—–

Time

Waiting
For the right time
But never knowing
When the right time is

Jump the gun
Lose a life
But that’s all you got
Game over

But wait too long
Miss your chance
Too late now
Get back in line

Isn’t it funny?
This game of love
You only get one life
And then your game is done

In the end it’s all worth it
But getting there is half the battle
You may strike out ten times
Just to find that one

JB 4/27/05

**Self-explanatory…**

—–

Unloved & Broken

She’s unloved
Unloved by the one she loves
And she wonders why
Why she’s just not good enough

I wanna save her
Save her from her hell
But she clings
Clings to the hope that’s no longer there

It’s not her fault
not her fault he doesn’t care
But she blames herself
Blames herself for his selfishness

He doesn’t deserve her
Doesn’t deserve the beautiful girl inside
She’s broken and running
Running away from her pride

When she gets out of there
If she gets out of there
Maybe she’ll see
See my arms are wide open
To give her the love she needs

JB 3/20/05

**About a crush who was in a really shitty relationship with a guy who treated her like complete shit and caused her to become extremely depressed…but she refused to leave him always hoping things would get better or believing he was good and she was just a failure. She ended up leaving him and I got my chance with her, but things didn’t work out.**

—–

What I Really Want…

What I really want
I can’t get
I made a promise
I will not break it

Wish I weren’t here
I’d be better unborn
Better off dead
And breathing no more

I can’t do it
I want to
But I promised
Never to die

All I can do is sit here
Thinking about death
How sweet it would be
How glorious

And I sit in my dreams
Razor in hands
Slitting my wrists
And watching them bleed

With a gun to my head
And a marvelous click
My head explodes

The clock of life
Makes one last tick

JB 1/17/05

**I made a promise to those closest to me that no matter how depressed I get…my suicidal thoughts would remain just that, THOUGHTS. Not actions. So this is about what I really wanted to do even though I was only writing down my thoughts.**

—–

Who Are You?

I sit here writing
Thinking about these past few weeks
Started out great
I became a whole new me
A happier me

I’d gotten to know you
Didn’t know how I’d live without you
Who are you?
I no longer know you!

Got knifed in the chest
You’ve got a boyfriend?
Thanks for telling me
Thanks for killing me
The happy new me

I thought I knew you
Apparently I was wrong
Who are you?
I don’t even know you!

Barely eaten all week
Don’t even feel the need
And sleep…
Precious sleep…
What’s that?

I used to love you
I used to breathe you
Who are you?
I no longer know you!

You told me you’ve changed
I see no change
Still chasing the assholes
Leaving those who really care behind
Heart broken and dying

You say he is different
But it is you who is blind
Who are you?
I don’t even know you!

And now it is too late…

JB 11/27/05

**I had a crush on a girl…we’d been chatting every night on MSN Messenger. Flirting constantly. Hung out quite a bit. Went to a rock show together one night and when I come home from that rock show, I find out she had been dating a guy who she told me was “just some guy she barely knew on Myspace who had a huge crush on her” and they’d become official as of that night. It broke my fucking heart being played like that. The guy was a total piece of shit and I had tried to tell her that but she refused to listen. I felt better in the end when she gave up her virginity to the guy and he got her pregnant that first time…and then he ended up being a huge piece of shit and left her (if I remember right, he left her for another girl) shortly after the kid was born.**

—–

You Can’t Fire Me Now! I’ve Already Quit!

My effort’s been low
And my temper’s been high
Living like this,
It’s how I get by

I’m sick of the truth
I’d rather hear lies
Baffle me with bullshit
And kick my ass to the skies

I take my gun now
And prepare for the pain
I’m sick of your puzzles
Your ridiculous games

As the bullet enters my head
My mind relaxes a bit
You can’t fire me now!
I’ve already quit!

JB 8/22/05

**Suicidal as usual…I wasn’t waiting around for my time to die. I was making it my time.**

—–

Head Over Heels I…mpossible Love

Laying in bed
I cannot sleep
It’s turned into a habit
It’s become part of me

Everything was great
Until one day you left
You sucked the life out of me
Clear down to my last breath

I tried moving on
I put on a fake smile
Didn’t fool anybody
So I crawled into a bottle

I partied it up
While wearing my mask
Always remembering
Never forgetting our past

Apologies were issued
Mixed signals were given
Maybe just friends
Or could we try things again?

I tried to ignore it
But I’m just wasting my time
It’s time to accept that
You’ve never left my mind.

**The most recent one I’ve written…about an ex. She left me for an ex she wasn’t over. We recently started talking again and I’m not over her even though I’ve pretended to be pretty much since day one. But…she’s left me confused as to what her intentions are and I’m not sure what to think. I want to stay friends if that’s all we can be so I don’t want to say the wrong things and push her away, but if she’s feeling things out with me and having problems with the ex she went back to, I’d much rather have her back because she’s the best thing to happen to me in a very long time. It’s a shitty situation to be in all around, let’s just put it that way. I guess I could have explained this all in a nutshell with just the title which is my favorite part honestly–I still want her, but I can’t have her.**

You know, it’s funny how one day you decide to play an old CD and one of the songs hits you like a ton of bricks…it hits you so hard, you just KNOW it’s trying to tell you something.

Today I spent a lot of time working in the tractor…but suddenly the radio kept cutting out (I think I may have ripped the antenna off hauling a tree that was far too big for the tractor to handle the other day…..) and I couldn’t get any station to come in clearly. So I finally said fuck it and kicked on the MP3 CD I’ve had in that player for probably the past 3 years. Seriously. I’ve just never taken it out.

I listened to a couple albums, got bored and skipped ahead to a particular band/album I hadn’t heard in a long time.

Evans Blue
“The Pursuit”

Lyrics:
You lived a time of lies until you told me everything
I hope we make amends, but you don’t
Life taught you how to fly and then you flew away from me
You left me haunted, star the ending image of the one

‘Cuz they’re still in you too low
All the voices you don’t know
And they’re still in you too low
All the choices that you chose
(Make the voices tell me who you are and who I am to be)

You harbored all the wasted sighs to define the quiet drone
I’ll let you start again, but you won’t
I saw you pray for change and then you walked all over me
You wanted what you could not have and now you are alone

‘Cuz they’re still in you too low
All the voices you don’t know
And they’re still in you too low
All the choices that you chose
Make the voices tell me who you are and who I am to be

Are you alone where you are tonight?
I’m alone when you’re right here
But I’m still in you somehow
I never left at all
Now I’m stealing you too low
So my voice is all you know

‘Cuz they’re still in you too low
All the voices you don’t know
And they’re still in you too low
All the choices that you chose
Leave you nothing left to hold
When you’re nothing it’s a good time to remind you of one thing
The pursuit begins when this portrayal of life…ends

When I heard it, I’m immediately like, “Holy shit…no way.”

Until now, I haven’t really discussed my last relationship in great detail…for one, I wanted to try to remain friends with her and secondly, I’m not gonna lie, it depressed me too much.

I started hanging out with her a while after her last breakup–though they had decided to try things again a week or so before we started hanging out, but he had moved out of state and dumped her within about 4 days of deciding to try things again so she really never had time to get into the full swing of the relationship again. During the relationship, I can’t speak about how he treated her as I do not know…for the most part, she was happy…or at least pretended to be, so we’ll just assume he treated her decently. After the first breakup, he was an asshole to her…at one point he publicly called her a bitch on Facebook because she voiced her opinions about how he just didn’t care. She was in the process of moving to be with him…he kept pushing the date back. She finally got a chance to go out there and took a bunch of her stuff with her to help make the move a bit smoother. He dumped her shortly after that visit. She asked him for a few important items back–her favorite blanket her brother got her for Christmas and one or two other items, and for all she cared, he could pitch the rest. She offered to pay for shipping even. He refused. WTF. Later they decided to try again (as I mentioned above)–it lasted a few days and then he dumps her again completely out of the blue. Again, she’s left devastated. Again, he doesn’t give two shits and again, he refuses to return her stuff. So we start meeting at the bar…initially just as friends to have a few drinks together and just hang out and talk. She started falling for me but while there was a mutual attraction, I kinda held back to ensure there were no doubts on either end before we just jumped right into things. I felt bad actually because after a week or two, she had really started falling for me and I was still treating her like I only saw her as a friend…I finally caved and admitted the feelings were mutual and we started spending more time together outside of the bar. We became “Facebook official” before a party she invited me to for one of her friends…originally as her date…but I could tell she wanted to be more than that so I asked her to be my girlfriend.

She surprised me by admitting that she’d never done a lot of things with guys in the past…I’m not talking sexual stuff, but stuff that girls should get to experience. She’d never been on an actual DATE…she’d gone to dinner and the movies, but she always paid for everyone. Yes, usually the guy too. So I took her to dinner…she’d always wanted to lay out all night and watch the stars…so on a clear night, we took a blanket out and just cuddled and watched the stars, which we were able to see a few shooting stars as well. She’d never been out on a boat before…so I invited her to join me and my friends out on my buddy’s ski boat for the evening. She told me one night that I was different…she’d seen one of my recent blogs admitting I was falling for her and she felt good knowing I felt that way and that she felt like I was one of the best things to ever happen to her. She commented that for once she felt like she could be herself around me instead of pretend to be someone she’s not. And I really felt she was the perfect girl.

A few days later, she starts blowing me off…claiming she’s confused. There was no fight leading up to it or anything. In fact, some drama had broken out about me supposedly cheating on her and when the truth was revealed she even assured me that it would take more than a stupid rumor to break us up. I try to get her to talk to me. She says she doesn’t know why and won’t discuss anything with me. I know not to push the issue so I back off. I finally learn her ex had called her wanting yet another chance and he was moving back to Piqua. She still had feelings for him. She said she didn’t know what to do, I tried to fight to win her back…even though my friends said if she can’t put her current boyfriend #1 over an ex (because “exes are exes for a reason”), then it was time to move on…I finally gave up and crawled into a bottle of tequila one evening. She dumped me shortly after. I even explained to her that I didn’t care if we never got back together…her ex is a piece of shit and even if we can’t be together, all I asked is that she stay away from him before he breaks her heart again. Within just a day or two of her breaking things off with me…she was already back with her ex. Yep, in one ear and out the other.

So that’s the story of what went so terribly wrong in my last relationship…basically I’m too nice. Or at least that’s how it seems. Because I’m not a piece of shit bad boy, girls aren’t as attracted to me. Aside from what I’ve already mentioned about this guy…he also has a domestic violence charge for apparently beating the shit out of a girlfriend or female family member or something like that. He’s got numerous theft charges, charges for receiving stolen property, been on drugs, license suspended, and he’s an alcoholic. In other words, he’s obviously a perfect gentleman…and the perfect guy to be helping her raise her young child.

The point of this is… the song that I listened to today pretty much describes this whole situation to a T which is freaky. And later I got to thinking about women in general…I signed back up on Plenty of Fish recently and all these headlines say something along the lines of, “Are there are nice guys left?” … “Looking for a nice guy.” … “I need a nice guy for a change…”, etc.

The truth is though…girls aren’t looking for nice guys. It’s all a farce. Girls want the bad boy types and when presented with the choice between a nice guy and a bad boy, the bad boy will win every time. Like with me and my ex…according to her, I was one of the best things to ever happen to her, and while that may have been true, I don’t think she could handle a true nice guy. I was TOO different from what girl’s consider “normal” men. Same goes for these girls I’m always providing advice for…every girl I provide advice for is usually dating a total piece of shit. And when I tell them they’re a total piece of shit and to get away from them. They will admit I’m right, agree to break things off for good and move on, and then…less than a week later, they’re right back at it again.

Another example…and she’ll probably read this and get pissed…lol. I’ve been offering friendly advice with no ulterior motives to an old friend for the past 8+ months now easily. She started seeing this guy and was really attracted to him, but didn’t know what to do because she has young kids and he’s a sex offender. His offense was statutory rape of a girl who was waaaay too young for him to be messing around with in the first place. He also just did a couple years in prison because of it and had just gotten out. I told her she needed to get rid of him. What’d she do? She kept seeing him. Within days he’d already practically moved in with her and rarely left the house. Then he basically bummed around doing nothing while she did everything to try to keep the house in order. Last she messages scared for her life because he was drunk and had just beaten the hell out of a friend. Cops got involved when the friend ran away and called them. He went back to jail. She said she was done with him. The next day, she was visiting him in jail and “missed him sooooo much”. Fast forward…he gets out and gets everything settled. By this point I had quit providing advice. She wasn’t listening to anything I said anyway. Recently I see her relationship status is changed to single…being the smartass that I am, I reply, “I give it a week.” She replies saying I don’t understand and that I’m wrong. I tell her, “You’re right, I don’t understand…but I’m being generous because originally I was going to say 5 days.” She messages me in private saying I REALLY don’t understand…they aren’t getting back together…there was blood involved. Blood from her lip. He punched her. And she wouldn’t put up with it. Guess what? I was right. 4 days later, they were back together…and yes, I pointed out to her that it had been less than a week.

So I guess the main point here is that girls DO NOT want nice guys. Nice guys are perfect to a girl in a fantasy world, but as I was recently told, and I have come to realize is certainly true, girls follow their hearts not their brains. The fantasy world is located in a girl’s brain. But in her heart is every piece of shit guy she’s dated in the past…and that is who she is going to continue dating. Something she’s used to.

Every now and then I see friends of mine get into relationships where they go from dating to engaged to married (and sometimes divorced) in what seems like no time at all…for some the process takes a year; for others mere months. And when I question them on why they moved so quickly I always get the same response… “We just knew we were meant to be together!”

Until recently, I always shrugged it off as them being crazy/stupid and cast a vote to myself when they’d be going through a divorce. I think I’m now at that point where I understand what they meant.

I mean, I’m still a bit traditional so I like to take my time and avoid surprises down the road, but I’m beginning to understand the feelings.

My past relationships I never felt like I truly understood my girlfriends or felt a closeness until we got a bit more intimate…for some it took ages…and some it took less than 48 hrs (sorry Granny…I’m sure you didn’t want to read that LOL), but it all revolved around sexual intimacy…so I think it was more lust filling in the information my heart was looking for in order to satisfy itself and keep getting action. I don’t know.

With my girlfriend now, things are considerably different…not only does everything feel right (I mean we have our own opinions on various things but we are able to talk it all over and understand/accept each others thoughts without a big fight), but I feel extremely close with her without sexual intimacy coming into play. Some people may be like, “What? You can’t be close to each other without making love!!!!” but I think maybe that’s where you begin to see the differentiation between true love and lust. With love, you’re falling for each other by getting to know what’s on the inside (*ahem* emotional inside not physical inside…) rather than falling “in lust” with their body and techniques in the sack. With my girlfriend now, I wouldn’t complain if we were sexually intimate (I am a male afterall), but to be completely honest, I am completely satisfied just being able to sit and talk with her as often as I can (even if its just texting while at work), spending a few evenings a week cuddled up watching a movie and/or holding her close while she sleeps. It’s because of those little things that make me feel like all of the puzzle pieces are fitting right together and it makes me confident that everything is going to work out between us…until New Years anyway when her mom forces me to eat sauerkraut and pork…*pukes*

Anyone care to chime in with their own opinions? I’d love to hear them, unless you disagree with me, of course…

Yeah, slightly random title. I didn’t know how to title this blog…so that’s the first thing that came to mind. *Goes to fill his playlist with Ozzy Osbourne*

Figured I’d give a little life update for you folks…and in a way answer some questions that I’ve more or less dodged recently.

I almost finished my Jeep…yep, almost. Budget: $4,000. Currently sitting at: ~$6,000. Gotta love unexpected maintenance. I’m LOVING the way it’s turning out though. My insurance should have dropped since I’m now 25 (and still have a clean driving record), so I’m going to get quoted to cover the lift and tires in my policy to help cover my ass if I ever wreck it.

I made my yearly trip to IL back in July for the Relay for Life. Our team did really well…I can’t remember how we placed, but it was pretty decent. On top of that, the Relay has grown so much it’s just fascinating. I think we had twice as many teams this year as last year. We had to start setting up campsites in the center of the track due to running out of space around the outside. I had arranged to surprise my family with a new memorial video I created for my mom which the chairs were going to play on the big screen, but due to us losing each other throughout the night, I wasn’t able to get it played until daybreak, at which point only a few people from the team got to see it on the big screen and the sun washed out a lot of the images. Maybe next year will be better. During that time I was also going through some personal issues which only a couple people knew about…I have moles on my back that I’ve had for many years that are considered “suspicious” due to their size. They’re normally flat and unnoticeable aside from being dark…however, one of them had changed recently and felt like a giant bug bite…except it never itched. My grandma learned about it and made it a point to tell everyone she was worried about it…lol (she loves to worry), but I was debating if I was even going to bother getting it checked out. It fit a lot of the warning signs of melanoma or recent trauma…and I didn’t recall any recent trauma, plus it wasn’t itchy or anything and didn’t look scabbed up. Later that weekend in church…I made the decision that I didn’t want to know if I had cancer or not and I wasn’t going to worry about it. If God has a plan for us all…then surely, he knows when I’m going to die right and nothing I do can stop that. I just wanted to let those who knew about it and are probably still wondering, I never had it checked out, however it ended up scabbing up and is now 100% back to normal. Apparently it was only due to recent trauma.

I’ve finally come to terms with my “ex” and I’s breaking up…I mean the day she dumped me, I knew that I had no desire to work things out with her, but that didn’t mean I was over her. I hoped she cared enough to try to remain friends being that we’ve known each other for well over 10 years, but nope. She wouldn’t even make an effort to do that. After 2 months of not speaking, my buddy calls me and says she moved in above his place. Since he’s one of my best friends and I’m over there quite a bit, I figured I’d try to reduce the awkwardness so I shot her a text just saying congrats for getting out from her previous scumbag of a landlord who was cheating her left and right. No response. That was the closure I needed I guess…I deleted her from my phone, Facebook, and everything else. If she runs into me outside his place, I’ll just enjoy watching her squirm. It’s funny though…my buddy knows she didn’t have her shit together one bit, she spends more money a week on random shit than I do and she works 2-5 nights a month (bringing home around $100/night). Not to mention, he’d been to her previous place and saw how much of a slob she was. So when he told me she moved into his place….all I could do was laugh my ass off. His response: “Well she paid 3 months in advance…!” I’m not one to talk shit about someone directly (now I don’t really give a shit) but all I could think was, “Too bad that’s the only money you’ll be seeing from her…” and then he’s like, “I let her bring the dog too…as long as he don’t tear the place up.” Yeah…too bad that place is gonna be TRASHED when she leaves. So yeah, anyway… I’ve moved on and I’m glad because that’s allowed me to do something else.

I’ve started seeing someone else. I’ve known her for quite a while now but we’ve never really hung out and every now and then we’d talk on Facebook. We started hanging out at the bar more recently and she started to like me, which is great because the feeling is definitely mutual. She’d never been taken on a date before…and I can’t recall if I’ve ever actually taken someone I wasn’t already dating out so I killed a few birds with one stone there. Took her out on her first official date, took someone I wasn’t already dating (as in officially a couple) out, and got to know her a little better in the process. Of course my dog decided to ruin part of my evening…I was hoping to invite her over to watch a movie or something after dinner and instead my dog got super sick ALLLLLLL over the house…so going inside was out of the question that night. But we’ve had a chance to hang out a few times. I figure eventually she may come across this and I know I’m not real good at conveying my feelings so I’d do it here…soon enough she’ll see for herself how I’m feeling, but right now I know I’m kind of giving off mixed signals. She can rest assured that I’m not having doubts or trying to distance myself or anything like that…I don’t really know what I’m doing other than just being nervous I guess. I’m not the most confident person and even though I know she likes me a lot, I still don’t feel like I’m as good of a person as I should be and I let it bother me and it just makes me nervous about fucking things up I guess. But I do like her…I’m not having doubts…I am looking for an actual relationship and not a casual type of thing. I’m not into that casual bullshit…it just leads to someone getting hurt and I don’t like to hurt people (nor do I like getting hurt). So yeah… that’s that. I’ve been seeing a girl and I like her…and she likes me. lol

Been working quite a bit….that’s been consuming most of my life as usual, even though this year I haven’t bottle raised any fawns. I may try again next year…one fawn this time around though. I think it’ll help it to bond with me if it’s not following any other deer around (help eliminate that herd instinct). I’m working on saving up for a new gun (selling my old one) so I can have something a little safer, more effective (.40S&W compared to a .380 ACP), and more accurate. Also trying to pay off some debts I’ve incurred due to those unexpected Jeep repairs popping up. I’ve got tax time coming up as well as want to put at least something down toward paying the IRS off. Although hopefully if Ron Paul wins the election, we can eliminate that shithole entity altogether.

I’ve gotten involved in a new “movement” of sorts known as Anonymous (www.whatis-theplan.org). We are just a huge group of people determined to help eliminate corruption in our government (shut down the federal reserve, eliminate the two-party system) as well as eliminate corrupt corporations from trying to control everything the people say and do. A lot of people think I’m crazy…but oh well…at least I’m standing up for what I believe in and am trying to make a difference. In the mean time, I’m also rooting for Ron Paul to win the Republican nomination for the 2012 election and I will be voting for him if he does (once I get registered to vote again).

So that’s just a small update on my life as of lately…

Oh and I’ve learned to ride a Ripstik without dying, though I’m still pretty shitty at it. Good for being 25, I hope…LOL