Age is just a number……………right?

I came to an interesting realization today and have discussed it amongst a friend or two and decided I’d like to bring this discussion out into the light a little bit.
(Actually it was either this or text the realization to a girl who shall remain unnamed until she doesn’t mind being thrown into the spotlight and blogging was definitely the easier solution since it’d take me freaking pages upon pages to text it…lol)

My closer friends know I’ve been talking to/seeing someone lately. She’s a great girl, I like her a lot, and I hope the feelings are mutual as to where everything is going between us. The interesting part of this is that she’s much younger than I am. In highschool I would have been like, “No way in hell am I going to date a girl so young!” But being out of school for so long…becoming friends with folks old enough to be my parents/grandparents and actually being involved in their adult discussions about relationships (rather than sheltered because I’m still just a kid), I’ve come to realize that it really isn’t the age of the person so much as the maturity level. Within the scope of the law of course. I don’t care how mature a 13 year old seems, it’s illegal and if you get caught you’re probably going to jail. Sorry about your luck. I would MUCH rather date an 18 year old with a great head on her shoulders than a 28 year old who still refuses to grow up, works a dead end job and parties every weekend. I think most people would agree to that.

But today I realized it goes deeper than that…is age REALLY just a number?

Technically, yes…but while age and maturity for MOST people usually follow a similar pattern, life experiences come into play a little bit and many younger girls haven’t built up near as many experiences when it comes to serious relationships. I’ve been in and out of the dating game a bit the past few years. In a way I guess there is valid evidence to support that I’m kind of a manwhore…because I’ve had my fair share of one night stands (or sometimes a little longer…but not long enough to consider a relationship). I won’t deny it. But the thing is, they’re one night stands because I’ve ended things and not because we went into it with the goal of, “Lets fuck and then part ways.” I’ve always had the goal of…”I want to try for a relationship with this girl”…and then it goes from a kiss to fucking in about 5 minutes flat. I’ve come to notice that most “adult relationships” go that way. You talk a little online, you meet up, and you’re in bed together that night. It’s like you’re so concerned about whether the relationship is going to work or not that you want to try it all out at once. If it’s great, you keep talking and fucking. If it’s not, then you end things and try again with someone else.

With this younger girl, it’s different…I may be way off base, but I think it’s because all she’s used to are the highschool relationships where the parents are in the picture usually…so fooling around and sex occur a lot less frequently compared to a relationship where you’re both independent, living on your own, and more time is spent doing appropriate things like cuddling and watching movies, walking and holding hands, hanging out with friends at their house after school, etc. And I think it’s an absolutely wonderful thing. We’ve spent the past couple weeks talking almost non-stop…just chatting, getting to know each other better and there’s been no pressure to take things to the next level. We’ve gotten together to watch movies and again…the pressure just isn’t there that we HAVE to take a relationship for a test drive to find out asap how it’ll play it…instead we just enjoy the company of one another, feeling out how comfortable and compatible we are with each other and we don’t feel like we HAVE to go all the way and test it all at once.

Because of this, I’ve been in an all around better mood…I get up earlier almost every day because I don’t want to miss out on talking to her…even when I went to bed just a few hours earlier.

I’m honestly wondering if there’s more potential of things working out in a relationship with an age gap than one where both are around the same age and are just striving to find the perfect relationship NOW so they can settle down.

My last attempted relationship went as follows…

Day 1 Texting…general texting and chatting…
Night 1 Texting…I’d already experienced seeing every sexual part of her body

Fast forward through texting here and there…mainly just random bullshitting and a lot of teasing/flirting

Night 1 together…movie and awkwardness, ran out of time
Night 2 together…movie, kiss for 45 seconds, sex. Yeah, that quick. Sorry Granny, if you’re reading this…LOL

And that’s not the first time it’s happened like that…the only time it hasn’t over the past few years is when I’ve dated single moms. While I’m obviously not so successful with them, I will give them this. They have the general dating thing down well as far as feeling the guy out and if you can handle children, dating a single mom really is a good way to go. If you haven’t done it, give it a shot.

I’m getting tired and rambling so bad I can’t remember where the fuck my train of thought is at…I’m PRETTY sure it left me behind at the station…

The point of this is…I have come to realize that age is more than JUST a number. In this case for my family who probably thinks I’m seeing a highschool student, the magic number is 18, going on 19 (and graduated from highschool). hahaha. Spending my time with a younger girl has brought me back to the days of highschool relationships…talking frequently while apart getting to know her better, cuddling up to watch movies and just laying there talking (and maybe kissing…gimme a break…I’m not publicly discussing what goes on all over Facebook), flirting a little here and there…you see what I’m getting at. I’m actually getting to know her! Which is something I think has become a thing of the past for grown adult relationships. We tend to focus on rushing things…and spending time with someone younger definitely helps to keep you in check. And for those of you young folks reading this…dating someone older adds an interesting twist into your relationships…you can have very similar personalities with the age gap causing you to have so many differences that it makes a relationship really enjoyable.

Just my thoughts on the matter.

If it feels like failure, it probably is.

I guess I’m all jacked up on Mountain Dew tonight…I feel tired but I can’t sleep. Figures since I was just telling my friends earlier how I’m doing better at getting up before noon and actually getting sleep, not just staying up all night.

Lots of stuff crossing my mind as usual…seems to be a common occurrence, these questions about my future. Will I ever get my shit together? Will I ever be debt free? Will I ever be good enough for someone? Not just in the sense that I’ll treat them right…I’m confident I can and will do that. I pride myself on being a pretty genuine and honest person. Sure I’m not perfect, but when I fuck up, I do my best to own up to it and learn from it. But I want to be more than…I want to have the ability to provide them with a good future, not one full of debt and struggles. And I worry that as much as I plan on fixing things, I will end up failing.

I hate failure enough as it is…but failing so bad I make someone else miserable would be the ultimate failure.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I have been spending a lot of time talking to someone lately. Someone I’ve definitely developed feelings for who seems to have similar feelings in return. I hope to see things continue to progress between us; she’s a great girl, but I can’t help but worry that I won’t be good enough for her. But what can I do? I mean I’m only really left with two options…run or go for it. And I’m not running. I hate running from my problems. It just leaves me miserable.

I’m just kinda bummed out lately…hard to imagine it…with everything I’ve got on my plate, you’d think I was one of the happiest men alive. But truthfully…I feel like a failure.

Our Relay for Life benefit is Saturday…I’m hoping for a good turn out, but I haven’t done as much for it as I would have liked. My buddy Jeff really deserves most of the credit on it. He’s busted his ass on it…and now the one time he’s really needing help and I’m too busy with other shit to even offer him much at all. I feel like if it doesn’t go as planned, I’m the reason for it.

Same goes for the actual Relay for Life. When I signed up, I was offering to help the current guy out. I had no idea that he was going to claim to still be in while not returning my messages nor showing up to meetings until 6 months out and then leaving me to organize everything. Considering I’m new to being a team captain, being in charge of a committee is some serious work. Thankfully the chair and co-chair as well as Jeff (who’s not only helping out with our team and the benefit but also the committee as well) have been very helpful to me and haven’t given up hope on me yet. I just hope that the event isn’t a total disaster. I’m really busting my ass on it though.

My most recent business venture seems to be failing…I’ve been trying to find someone to join us with an empty schedule to help out but I’ve had no luck. I think I’m just gonna take my $200+ license and make some community forums or some kind of discussion website just to put them to use.

I finally thought I came up with an awesome idea for a stormchasing team this year. One that could have resulted in us having a dedicated chase vehicle loaded with some equipment and everything. I just know I could have pulled this idea off with a little help…but it appears that I’m the only one who gives two shits about it, sooo it looks like I’ll be nixing that idea after all.

I dunno…all in all…just too much failure to deal with I guess. Have a good night folks.

The Future of the USA / American Revolution II

In light of the Newtown, CT mass shooting, a lot of gun control legislation is running rampant through congress. There are claims that we are on the verge of a second American Revolution and while I completely support that occurrence and would likely die right alongside the true patriots of this country with my gun in my hand, I have this sinking feeling that we will not be seeing it during our lifetime. Instead, I see “The Land of the Free” becoming a country ruled by principles that are far from the principles this country was founded upon. Principles that will outlaw anything not deemed “safe” or “appropriate” by the majority.

Why is that?

First and foremost, the majority of the American population is under the misconception that we are a democracy. This is drilled even further into the people’s heads in nearly every speech made by nearly every politician, especially those associated with the Democratic or Republican party. What is a democracy, really? In short, a democracy is a system where the majority rules.

Wait, that describes us, right?


America is not a democracy. America is a republic or to be specific, a constitutional republic. So just what is a constitutional republic? It is a system where the majority rules but its foundation is based around a written constitution in order to spell out an individual’s rights and prevent the majority from overruling the minority on issues that may violate those rights. For example, prior to 1920, women in the United States were not guaranteed the right to vote as the majority had decided women did not have that right. However, in 1920, the 19th Amendment to the United States Constitution was passed that guaranteed women the right to vote. That right can no longer be taken away by the majority because it is now protected by the Constitution.

The point I’m getting at here is that because the majority of the people fail to realize that the Constitution clearly states what our rights are, they are allowing the government to slowly infringe upon those rights. The big infringement currently is the one taking place on the Second Amendment which grants the people to right to bear arms. Because it’s not specific…the majority is now passing laws under the pretense that they are still allowing us to bear arms…but only for specific purposes and only specific guns the government deems “safe” in the grand scheme of firearms, despite the Second Amendment clearly stating, “This right shall not be infringed.” Of course, their argument is limiting the rights in the amendment is not considered infringement, but experts have shown that the language utilized during the writing of the Constitution makes it quite clear that they intended to keep the Second Amendment extremely broad.

This leads me to the second reason…

Our government is simply stalking us.

Yes, stalking us. Just like a lion stalks a zebra in the tall grass. The lion doesn’t just bolt from the grass 100 yards away and chase the zebra down. The zebra would spot it far enough in advance that it has time to run for protection from the herd. Instead the lion creeps closer and closer…and closer yet…until it’s finally close enough to pounce, leaving the zebra with no chance to escape. Our government is working the exact same way. If they just took our guns away outright, the majority of us would see what their motive is and would push back. But no, if they limit our gun rights just a little bit each time, the majority of us will go, “It’s okay, it’s just a small change in regulations. I can deal with that. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.” But let’s put everything together…first make sure civilians can’t access military grade firearms. Now the government can ensure their troops are superior to the civilian “army”. Now make sure every convicted felon can never own a gun again even if their crime was non-violent and they are not a danger to society. Then take away guns from everyone with a drug charge on their record…even those who were busted for possessing a little harmless marijuana as a teenager.

It gets better.

As of my writing this they’re working on a new Assault Weapons Ban which studies performed by an official government organization have shown was not effective in reducing gun violence the first time it was enacted. With its passage, you can take away the AR-15 and similar “assault weapons”…which are our best form of defense weapon currently available. Limit the magazine size to 10 rounds or less. That way if you’re in a gunfight, you are limited to firing off 10 shots before having to pause for a reload. If a revolution WERE to take place that means you would have 10 chances to hit the enemy while they would have 30 chances. How do you like those odds? Better start working on your marksmanship skills…

It gets even better yet though!

They’re working on a universal background check system. Everyone who buys a gun will have to undergo a background check, whether it’s a retailer or a private sale. Hey, that’s great! You have nothing to hide anyway, right?


How do you think our government will be able to enforce this new system? Let’s just say I go to the gun shop and purchase a new Glock 22. I keep it for 5 years and decide I want to sell it. My buddy wants to buy it and I don’t want to deal with the hassle/cost of a background check. I know he’s legally allowed to own a firearm so I tell him to toss me some cash and it’s his. No muss, no fuss.

3 years later, his house is broken into and his gun safe is busted open. All his firearms are stolen, including the Glock I sold him. The Glock was later used in an armed robbery and recovered as evidence.

The first thing they’re going to do is run the serial number on the gun. Guess who it’s going to trace back to? ME. Now we’re facing felony charges for not getting the background check. Aside from failing to get background check, no foul play was involved on either of our parts, but we’re going get the book thrown at us for for not getting that background check.

However, that’s not even the biggest problem with all this. The biggest problem is HOW they traced that gun back to me. There’s only one way to accomplish that one.


Or let me word it a little more clearly for you:


So now, not only is the American population limited as to who can own guns, what kind of guns they can own, and how many bullets those guns can fire between reloads, but now they know who all has guns, who to keep an eye on and who to take out first in order to ensure resistance is minimized should the majority of the people decide it’s time to rise up.

The above leads me to my third point.

The government’s “stalking” has kept their motives under the radar so the majority of the American people don’t even see a problem. They see us patriots spouting off about how this country is turning into Nazi Germany shortly before the Holocaust and they sneer at us. “You’re just a bunch of crazy extremists. The government isn’t out to get our guns. They’re just trying to pass a few regulations to make things safer and reduce gun violence!” Funny thing about people is they lack the common sense to research these topics for themselves and realize none of this will affect those who don’t follow the laws that are already on the books.

The only way a second American Revolution will be successful is to have strength in numbers. We NEED to have the majority support of Americans. Because the majority of Americans don’t see a problem in the wake of the government’s “stalking”, our numbers will be low. We will be in the minority and we will appear to be the radical extremists the government accuses us of being. And not only will we be the enemy of the government, but we will unintentionally become the enemy of the majority as well. At that point, a revolt would be sure suicide. Not to mention, who are we going to attack and how are we going to do it? If we shoot first, we get the full force of the government inflicted upon us and we lose any possibility of support from the minority because now we’re a bunch of violent terrorists in their eyes for attacking without provocation.

The government’s playbook is perfect.

They don’t need to shoot first. All they need to do is show up in force while you’re alone. Chances are you won’t be with all the other patriots before full-on war breaks out. So all the government needs to do is send 20 men to your house in the middle of the night to arrest you and confiscate your guns (after all, you followed that new universal background check law, right?). Then they go to the next house on the list and so on. They eliminate the resistance literally one person at a time until the threat is eliminated and they can move on to Phase 2.

So where to from here?

In my honest opinion, a violent revolution is next to impossible to start, let alone WIN, due to the circumstances outlined above. Perhaps unconstitutional acts committed by government officials on peaceful resistors will allow the resistance to switch from the minority to the majority? Combine that with the idea below and it’s entirely plausible that peaceful revolution could work…

“But peaceful resistance doesn’t work,” you say? Plus in response to the Occupy movement, now the government is signing anti-protest bills into law (a violation of the First Amendment).

“We’ll be arrested.”


Individual civil disobedience may be quite effective however if done individually, all over the country, at the same time others do it.

A thought I came up with is that I believe when you fill out a W-4 at a new job, you essentially fill that form out to take out the appropriate amount of taxes for you. Most single folks claim 0 exemptions on that form and then claim 1 on their 1040 which sets them up for a nice, fat refund (unless they ended up in the next tax bracket up). Without income tax money, the government is broke. They shouldn’t be as the income tax is SUPPOSED to be a voluntary tax for individuals, but we’re not going to get deep into that topic right now. The point it, the government RELIES on all that income tax money. So rather than start killing people and risk our own death in the process, why not hit the government where we can peacefully send them into serious financial trouble and force MAJOR changes. Their pocket books.

I do need to state that I’m sure following the steps below is a felony and could likely result in prosecution for falsifying federal documents. Any way you look at it, resistance is going to be illegal one way or another, but this sure beats killing people, right?

Theoretically, you should be able to get a new W-4 form from your employer in order to “update it” and add some extra exemptions in there. If I understand that form correctly, the higher the number of exemptions listed, the less money the government collects in federal taxes out of each of your paychecks.


However, you will have accomplished two things here:

1.) You will have just successfully short-changed the government by a considerable sum of money (combine that with a large percentage of the country doing the same thing at their job).
2.) The extra money you received in your paychecks for that year will quite possibly be more than the refund you just gave up.

At that point you have two choices…file your taxes and send no money toward your new debt to the IRS. This will at least avoid being charged with failure to file, another charge on top of the charge for falsifying your W-4. Or don’t file. What’s one more criminal charge, right?

In order to be effective with this plan, you need to realize that strength in numbers is absolutely CRUCIAL here. The reason for this is if only a fraction of a percent of the people do this, you’ve effectively guaranteed yourself some hefty fines as well as possible jail-time AND you have to pay all that tax debt back with interest. You could also lose any assets you may have if you can’t afford to pay the government off and they pursue you for that debt. However, if you do this with a large enough amount of people across the country all during the same tax year(s), you’ve just put a very nice dent in the government’s finances AND there are so many people involved, they don’t have near enough space to throw you in jail and your assets will likely be untouched as well. Most jails are already so crowded they’re releasing non-violent offenders left and right as it is.

Lastly, while the hacktivist group, Anonymous, loves to screw around in their free time and hack random companies for shits and giggles, sometimes angering customers in the process, their cyber-attacks thus far have been the most effective at catching the government’s attention. Support their actions and pass on the word of their operations to your friends. Let them wake your friends and family up to the corruption taking place. If we all work together hitting the government’s pocket books while Anonymous exposes all their corruption, perhaps we can increase our numbers and prove that peaceful revolution is still entirely possible in this day and age.

It’s time to take back our country.

What is wrong with some people? Seriously?!

So today I came across some shared links on Facebook in regards to this story: (The “Official” Story)

I then came across this Facebook posting by WHIO-TV and understood what those shared links were about:

Here’s the text of the shared links for those too lazy to view the above links and figure it out for yourselves:

Susan Polson Cervone
Thursday at 11:05am near Kettering, OH

To the two ladies at Mimi’s Cafe last night,

When you were at Mimi’s last night, you noticed the purple balloons and asked your server what the balloons were representing. After you and your friend enjoyed dinner and were conversing, I witnessed a man stop by your table for less than 5 seconds to ask if he could leave information with you about a rare, fatal disease. You said, “yes.”

Later, you asked to speak to a manager and complained about the gentleman. You not only complained, you went on and on about it for 40 MINUTES!!! The manager apologized. The gentleman apologized. I, his wife, apologized. He even offered to pay your tab, to which you replied, “You couldn’t afford to pay our tab.”

Let me tell you about this man. He is a husband, a father, a brother, a son and a grandfather. He will not live to walk his youngest daughter down the aisle. He will not see his grandchildren grow up. He owns his own home (which he paid cash for) in Kettering. He owns his vehicles. He owns his own business. He travels to Europe every year. He offered to pay for your dinner. He could have paid for your dinner. He WOULD have paid for your dinner.

He has Multiple System Atrophy. He is terminally ill. He was in a coma less than two weeks ago. He once weighed 300 pounds. He now weighs 150. He has a pacemaker that operates his heart 95% of the time. His internal organs ooze blood. His blood will not clot. He loses consciousness daily. Not one of his autonomic functions operate without assistance. That means that even an action that you do thousands of times a day, like swallowing your own saliva, is difficult for him to do without aspirating it into his lungs.

He fights his disease every single day. His diaphragm is weakening and breathing is becoming more and more difficult. I stay awake nights while he sleeps to make sure he continues to breathe. He spends every ounce of energy trying to make others aware of this disease that is rapidly spreading throughout the United States.

He was at Mimi’s at 6:30 yesterday morning putting the balloons on the tables you asked about. He was there through breakfast hours, he was there through lunch, and he had been there since 5:00 pm, walking the restaurant, greeting those people that were there to support him and his fight for his life.

You said he “ruined your dining experience.” He just asked if he would leave some literature with you. He didn’t ask you for anything, but this is what you gave him.

After spending all his energy yesterday, and for weeks before, trying to promote this disease, to promote this event, to help make others aware, to feel, for just a few minutes like he was in control of this disease, today all he can think about is how he may have offended you. How YOU might have be offended.

When he should be reliving the hundreds of people that came to show their support, including a family that just lost their husband and father to this disease. When he should feel like he accomplished at least one small blow to the disease that is taking his life, all he is doing is going over and over in his mind, how he may have offended you.

I exert a vast amount of energy making his days as pleasant as possible because I don’t know what day will be his last. I am now spending this day, instead of helping him relive a wonderful experience, trying to get him to remember the good that happened yesterday and not let one unkind, uncaring person take that away from him.

You could have politely said, “no, thank you”, when he offered his literature. You could have rudely said, “no!“ Either would have changed the outcome. Instead, YOU were unkind, YOU were unfair. YOU were uncaring. YOU were wrong. YOU have ruined a day in a man’s life who has his days numbered.

You own a business here in Kettering and I started to post this on Facebook on your business’ site, but then decided that would make me no better than you.

Maybe it was the 2 bottles of wine. Maybe that’s just how you are. Maybe you could take just a minute and think of someone else‘s feelings. You know, caring about others really feels good.

His goal was to make others aware of this disease. Yours may not have been a pleasant experience, but his goal was accomplished. You now are aware of Multiple System Atrophy.

What bothers me the most about all this is that the gentleman this rude woman decided to complain about wasn’t being pushy or interrupting. He simply asked if he could give them some literature, they accepted, and he did just that. And then rather than just ignore it…throw it away…or leave it on the table…they chose to publicly humiliate this man by complaining to management about him at an event they were hosting to help raise awareness for his condition. And just to rub salt in an open wound, after these folks even offered to pay for their meal to make things right, they had to show just how much better they were than those offering to pay off their tab by making the snide remark that the gentleman and his wife couldn’t afford to pay their tab. What the hell? Seriously? Is this what our species has come down to? Making as many people as possible feel like shit just because you feel you’re better than they are? I’m sorry, but that’s terrible. If they weren’t interested, all they had to say was, “No thank you.” It’s not that difficult.

People wonder why people are snapping and going on killing sprees…kids are committing suicide…depression rates are increasing. It’s all due to the downfall of our society. Bullies have a lot more power than they realize when they toy with someone’s emotions like they do. They shouldn’t have that kind of power, but when you choose a target who’s already vulnerable, you’re essentially kicking that person while they’re down…and if that isn’t the first time, eventually they just lose it. Some take it out on others via killing sprees…but most take it out on themselves via suicide or in the case of someone who’s terminally ill like this man, they may just die with a scarred heart. We as human beings need to put a stop to that. Show compassion…remember that not everybody has it easy…some people are terminally ill, some people have mental and/or physical disabilities, others have birth defects that don’t quite let them live a normal life. There are a lot of different circumstances. If they’re different from you in the mind or the body, say or do something to remind them that while they may appear different to us, on the inside they are equals.

The other day I was at the bar with a bunch of folks…I’m not going to name any names here, but my closer friends will figure out who I’m talking about. I just don’t want to put him on blast because I know he doesn’t appreciate the attention. One of my good buddies is disabled from a bad car accident he had back in highschool. For people who don’t know him, he can appear drunk. But if someone goofs and makes a comment about how drunk he is, we will quietly correct them so they don’t continue to make those comments as its upsetting to him. This particular night there was a couple guys down there drinking…one knew my friend and the other guy didn’t. My friend just asked them to purchase a star for our Relay for Life team which helps us raise money for the event. He wasn’t rude about it or anything…but this guy apparently decided to look like a badass, looks right at my buddy and says, “Are you disabled or you just drunk?”

My buddy doesn’t like to discuss his disabilities when he’s on public blast…if they’re nice about it with him, he’ll explain what happened, but otherwise, he usually just tries to answer them as vaguely as possible.This was one of those situations…he responded with, “I’m not drunk…this is my first drink.”

To which the guy could have backed off, but instead responded with, “Oh, so you must be fucking retarded then.”

At this point my buddy got angry and told him, “No, I’m not retarded and I’m not drunk! And I don’t appreciate you saying that!”

But the guy at that point was insistent that he was a “drunk fucking retard” and started trying to pick a fight with him. The owner and his wife had words with the guy, but he refused to apologize. He tried to play it off like he never said anything (they were both away from the bar when it occurred and the bartender didn’t want to get involved as she knew both people and didn’t want to fuel the fight by taking a side). The other guy there was trying to de-escalate things by telling his buddy/brother/whatever that he knows my buddy and he was in an accident and wasn’t drunk, but the guy had beer muscles at that point and wanted to show everyone how big and bad he was.

My buddy does have a tendency to be a smartass and in most situations, if he deserves it, I’d probably let someone get a punch or two in before I stepped in to break a fight up, but to be totally honest, that situation had ME so angry that I was ready to lay that dude out when he started trying to pick a fight with my buddy. He wouldn’t have been getting any free hits in there…at that point, I was waiting for him to get up and take one swing because *I* was ready to end that one myself. I was pretty pissed. I’m not a fighter at all…but that night, I was seeing red. My friend did absolutely NOTHING to deserve that kind of treatment and that guy just didn’t give two shits about it.

There are just certain situations where people stoop so low that I snap…and that guy found one of them… (the other two are child abusers and woman beaters).

We need to break away from these superiority complexes and learn to care about one another again…or our society is just going to continue to spiral downhill…it’s really that simple.

I’m just drunk enough…

“And I’m just drunk enough to tell you
Exactly what I needed to say
I’m just drunk enough to tell you
I need you please stay
’cause I’m sober enough to know maybe
It’s a little too late
’cause I’m sober enough to see you
Walking away (walking away)”


Except, I’m not drunk.

Maybe that’s the reason why…so I can’t make those drunken confessions and I can pretend that everything is just peachy?

But the truth is, everything is far from peachy. I’m fucking miserable. My brother recently moved to Florida to start a new life. He wants me to move down there too, as does my dad. They want our family to be together again. As much as I’d love to give it a shot…I have so much to lose here I just can’t risk it. I can’t just up and leave all my friends behind. Even though I don’t see many of them much anymore, it would still destroy me to just leave them all behind, quite possibly never seeing them again. I love my job. My hours have sucked as of lately due to a combination of winter being slow and me lacking much motivation to work on my winter projects, but come spring, I’ll be back into full swing and hopefully I’ll not only be busting ass out there again…but I’ll have a more regular schedule (probably still won’t be up until noon–but I’ll at least try to work the same hours every day rather than have them so sporadic).

I’ve tried to get back into the dating scene some…but I’ve come to realize I don’t have a fucking clue what I want and now I feel like I’ve been leading the girl I’ve been talking to on and I hate coming across as a total player. I’m debating just dropping off the face of the Earth for a while. No, not moving to Florida as my brother thinks…but disabling all my online accounts and just focusing on ME for a bit. I need to get my head on straight and right now it’s all sorts of fucked up.

Last night, I laid in bed…and rather than lay there dreaming about things that would make me happy…I laid there plotting out the perfect suicide. Sure, it’d be easy enough to just grab my .45 and shoot myself, but I’m not out for attention. In fact, that’s why I sat there plotting it out…because while I’d love to just not be around to deal with things anymore…if I were to ever kill myself, I wouldn’t want my friends and family to know I was dead. I wouldn’t want to inflict that kind of heartbreak on them. So I laid there figuring out how to convince everybody I was going off on my own to get a fresh start…telling them goodbye…to get everyone I know to get it set in their minds that I’m not a “missing person”…and then figuring out how to kill myself where I’d just end up a John Doe who may never be identified. That way everybody who knew me would just think I was too self-absorbed to ever speak with them again. Instead of heartbreak, it would start out as missing me for a while…and end up as anger because I “obviously had no appreciation for my friends and family.” Granted, I would never do that…I’m too close with my family and I’m really not suicidal, but I actually felt relaxed while laying there thinking up the perfect plan.

I also have the perfect plan for escape in the works should things in this country take a turn for the worst and I end up on some government list…but I won’t be detailing that on here.

Point is as usual…I’m miserable and don’t have a fucking clue what I want. I’m glad this is a blog and not a book, because I’m beginning to notice that all my chapters start and end pretty much the same way. On the bright side, I think I may have found a buyer for my brother’s car…there’s some money to drink on or something…

What IS our future, really?

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything meaningful. I wouldn’t really say this one is meaningful, but I guess it contains more than just song lyrics on my mind or a brief paragraph about past blogs. I’ve been sitting here thinking about my future…and I’ve come to the realization that I don’t think I’m meant to have a meaningful future. Or at least not your traditional grow up, get a job, meet a good girl, get married, buy a house, start a family, and retire type of future.

I’m 26 years old. I’ve been in what I would consider to be two SERIOUS relationships…and by serious I mean dated somewhat long-term, became close with my girlfriends’ families and considered eventually proposing and getting married one day. One of those was when I was young and dumb…a senior in highschool…and the other one when I was around 21 (and still young and dumb…though that doesn’t really mean much since many would still say I’m young and dumb). Things just didn’t work out in either one and we more or less went our separate ways, though we’ve gotten to a point now where both are still friends and they are both involved in their own serious relationships. And then here I am… it’s been roughly 4-5 years since I felt like I was in a SERIOUS relationship and I can’t get involved in anything that works out for the long-term. I don’t think I’m necessarily DOOMED to be single for the rest of my life, but I do wonder if it’s a sign that I need to quit looking because I’m better off alone and on my own.

My debt is ridiculous and I’ve come to realize that most girls who are looking for something serious like I would want, don’t want to date a guy in debt. I’m not a user and wouldn’t be looking for a girl to pay my way along, but that’s not how they see it. And if I were to find a good girl, I would put forth the effort to resolve my situation, but right now, what future do I REALLY have? I can be single, lonely, and broke as shit because I’m working on paying off debt for what? A lonely future, all by myself. Yeeeeah. OR…I can continue to let the debt accumulate, buy some toys…and set things up so I at least have a somewhat exciting future (until I manage to get myself killed) while enjoying the single life as best as I can. That’s kinda what the plan is right now…stock up on guns and cool shit…buy a four-wheeler or two and a trailer and just have fun. I’ve realized I’m not really cut out for the dating scene. I sit on these dating websites and social networking sites and I’m not cocky enough to get the girl. I don’t have the looks and I try to just be a friendly guy. But girls don’t want an average Joe. They want someone who’s either got good looks or makes up for those good looks in cockiness. Yeah, ladies, call me a liar all you want, but go watch these websites and see for yourself. See who’s getting the attention. I can tell you, it’s not me. And I’m one of few guys on there who’s not posting shit like, “Nice tits!” or “Wanna trade pics???”

The other day I was contacted by a friend regarding private militia groups…he was interested in joining one that is serious about protecting this country should they start pushing some of these ridiculous gun bans through and the government starts attacking those who refuse to cooperate. I had been looking into one just days earlier, but most of them are pretty radical in their beliefs and we weren’t looking to join up with a bunch of crazies. We’re simply concerned about the direction our country is heading and want to be involved in protecting it should it come down to that. He mentioned starting up his own group as he also was concerned about joining up with a bunch of crazies…and I told him if he follows through with it to let me know because I’m on board. Maybe THAT’S where my future is? Some people think I’m crazy…they think I’m turning into a conspiracy nut…and that’s not the case. I avoid most of the conspiracy stuff because while they may provide plenty of evidence supporting their theories, they usually leave too much open to interpretation as well as fail to disprove much of the original story. Stuff like Alex Jones/InfoWars gets me fired up to no end and I refuse to watch most of it because I feel the guy is a loon. BUT I do have the ability to use Google and research various bills in congress and I have started adding everything up…and we ARE being put into the perfect position to get ass-fucked by our government with no lube. I’m not just going to sit around and twiddle my thumbs while it happens. While I’m not as serious as prepping as some of my friends are, it IS in the back of my mind now and I’m hoping to start putting together a few supplies here and there to help ensure my survival if the shit hits the fan. No, you won’t find barrels of water in my basement, 2 years worth of food, and 20,000 rounds of ammo. But hopefully before anything goes down I’ll have a decent backpack ready to go in the event of anything serious where I can take off on foot and survive in the woods if need be. Some people think I’m being crazy by not getting serious into prepping but to be honest…if things get so rough where it seems like the apocalypse is occurring, I’d probably just kill myself. Why fight for a future that you know is going to involve nothing but pain and suffering? I’ll take the easy way out.

So yeah, I think for now my plan is simple…enjoy the single life until something better comes along, which it sure isn’t looking that way and waste my money on useless shit so I can at least enjoy my life here. Eventually we’re all gonna die. If I die with debt, so what? The IRS can chase me into the afterlife if they want…but I still won’t have any money.

I’m still trying to keep my focus on the Relay for Life stuff as well…organizing a fundraiser down at Heck Yeah in March for our team, a friend of mine is organizing a fundraiser for me through her sales stuff she does, plus I’m working on putting together some ideas for the actual Relay. I need to compile everything into one place and sit down with my buddy Jeff and work up a game plan there. I’m getting kinda disappointed in some of my friends with this…only a few have actually signed up on the team, but most haven’t done so no matter how much I’ve reminded them. Makes me look like a shitty team captain when I say we’re gonna come out with a bang our first year and instead we come out with like 5 team members. Ugh. I’m not bringing this up to shit talk about my friends…hoping maybe some of them will see it and go, “OHHHHH YEAAH!!!!” and sign up. Buuuut I doubt it.

Anyway, there’s my updates for now. I have no future. I’m going to live the rest of my life alone and lonely and as such, I’m going to stay broke to try to make it a little more exciting. Yep.

Sanity? What’s that?

A Day to Remember
“Out of Time”

I’ve never felt so sober
I’ve never felt the low that I feel tonight
Your words made everything drag on and on
I finally found her
And when I did, I just couldn’t make things right
Is this really happening?
Oh God, I think I just ruined my life

What the fuck am I doing?
I can’t tell the difference of wrong and right
I second guess my decisions
‘Cause I haven’t been this person in my whole life
I think I need something new here
But I keep longing for what I had
No need for second opinions
I do the best I can to ruin what I have, come on

Don’t think you gotta go it alone here
I’ve got nothing left to hide
You’ve got time, just make up your mind

I thought this was what you wanted
Someone who gets everything right (gets everything right)
I thought this was what you wanted
Someone to put you first in their life
‘Cause we’re running out of time

Let’s have three cheers for the new year (hey, hey, hey)
Here’s to hoping it’s not as bad
This wasn’t part of my vision
The optimist in me swore we could make this last, but no,
You ruined my favorite records
Listen to them and I think of you
I just hope you remember
All of the countless times that I believed in you, for what?

Don’t think you gotta go it alone here
I’ve got nothing left to hide
You’ve got time, just make up your mind

I thought this was what you wanted
Someone who gets everything right (gets everything right)
I thought this was what you wanted
Someone to put you first in their life
‘Cause we’re running out of time

Just know that it kills me
When I hear anything to do with you
You won’t see it but believe me,
I need to be right where you are
You know that I’m leaving
And you won’t hear ’till a year from now
But this kills me
‘Cause now I hate that everything’s, everything’s about you

I thought this was what you wanted
Someone who gets everything right (gets everything right)
I thought this was what you wanted
Someone to put you first in their life
‘Cause we’re running out of time

Don’t think you gotta go it alone here
I’ve got nothing left to hide
You’ve got time, just make up your mind

I need to write a new blog. Or something.

I was sitting here going through this and thinking “Maybe I should delete all this stuff from past relationships…” It tends to upset current girlfriends when they are able to look back and see my feelings in past relationships, especially when I’m super happy and totally head over heels in love. But then I thought about it…actually I had a couple blogs checked for deletion…and I realized that if I do that, either I have to manually edit my blogs, or suddenly whole pieces end up missing and people reading these from past to present will end up confused (although most don’t really follow any kind of storyline). These blogs and these past relationships are a part of my life and should not be removed from it and ultimately this is how people need to look at it: They’re past relationships for a reason. If I were still that happy with them, we would still be together. So if any current girlfriend of mine reads this in the future…remember that…and chances are, I am HAPPIER with you than I was with them because I have been given the opportunity to learn from those past relationships in order to make my future ones even better.

By the way, Katrina and I broke up a while ago. End of story.

After careful consideration, maybe gun bans really are necessary….

Wait, you believed that? What kind of fucking idiot do you think I am? If you support that opinion, seriously, do me a favor and delete me from your friends list before you do anything else. Fucking idiot.

Okay, I think everybody and their brother knows all about what happened in Connecticut today. It’s a terrible tragedy, I won’t deny that. A lot of innocent young kids died because of some whackjob with a gun. Now a lot of people are saying this isn’t a time to discuss gun rights…it’s a time for prayer…but unfortunately the gun control advocates are all fired up so us gun rights advocates can’t take a break to pray right now. Don’t worry, we’ll pray in between arguments.

I’ve seen a lot of posts today from people saying this is exactly why we need stricter gun laws. Really? Tell me how that is going to solve our problems. I’ll hear you out, I promise.

Only police should be allowed to carry weapons. No private citizen has any need to carry a weapon. Police are trained to handle weapons properly, not average citizens.

Um no. You do realize that police officers do not PREVENT crimes from occurring, right? Have you ever had the police show up at your house to catch the robbers BEFORE it was robbed? Not unless it was an inside job. Police are setup to RESPOND to situations. When a house is robbed, the police are called and then they show up. If the criminals are still inside, they will be dealt with. But 9 times out of 10, they are long gone by the time they arrive. Piqua just announced that due to budget cuts they will be cutting an officer from the police department and prioritizing calls for help. Guess what? If your emergency isn’t deemed as important as another caller’s emergency, the police may be a while before they show up.

Banning guns will get guns out of the hands of criminals and make them impossible for criminals to obtain!

Really? Tell me how people are still getting their hands on heroin and crystal meth. I bet nobody will be selling one of the 300 million firearms currently in this country on the black market either, right? The only people who are going to voluntarily give up their guns in a gun ban are the law abiding citizens afraid of the consequences if they’re caught with their firearms after the ban goes into effect. Criminals are just that…CRIMINALS…they aren’t going to follow the laws.

We need to re-institute an assault weapons ban like Clinton passed while in office!
Because it was so effective, right?

Or what about the part where areas with the strictest gun control laws also have the highest gun-related crime rates? Hrmmmmm…

If laws prevented problems from occurring, we would be a crime-free nation. Our nation is FULL of laws…laws against petty crimes, violent crimes, drugs, driving under the influence, speeding, street racing, poaching, price gouging, etc, etc, etc. Laws don’t prevent problems nor stop criminals from being criminals. Laws help keep honest people honest.

You see, the biggest problem with banning firearms is that you’re not disarming the criminals. You’re disarming those who are just trying to protect themselves and their families and you’re just making things a tad more difficult for the criminals. And if you are blaming the guns for these crimes, you are part of the problem, not the solution. Just like cars don’t cause people to drive drunk and kill innocent people, guns don’t cause people to go on killing sprees. And taking guns away from responsible gun owners to “prevent killing sprees” is as effective as taking the keys away from sober drivers to “prevent drunk driving”. The problem is that there are crazy people out there…instead of creating more victims, perhaps we need to focus on reducing the number of crazy people out there.

Here’s another issue you people seem to be overlooking…take away guns and see what happens. If people want to go on killing sprees, they will find a way. Many have seen the link of the guy earlier today in China who stabbed 22 people. I don’t see that happening here…that’s actually pretty ballsy and most Americans aren’t looking to be ballsy, but guess what? Bombs are easy to manufacture and *gasp* they’re capable of killing mass amounts of people just as quickly as guns can. Here’s what will happen if disarming the people was actually effective at getting guns out of the hands of the criminals. Some crazy bastard will walk into a crowd of people at a public event…he will have a homemade device in a backpack…either he will “accidentally forget it” laying in his seat or he will wear it with no intentions of leaving the event…and then BOOM! Body parts within a 100′ radius go flying everywhere. And then people will be like, “OH MY GOD! WE NEED TO BAN BOMBS!” Wait a second here……………….bombs? But I thought they’re already illegal…oh that’s right…once again…CRIMINALS DON’T FOLLOW THE FUCKING LAWS!

America is a Constitutional Republic…the Second Amendment was put into place for a reason. If you disregard it, you disregard our country’s founding principles and it will mark the beginning of our country’s collapse. A Constitutional Republic doesn’t really have any meaning when you’re no longer respecting the Constitution in which it was founded upon, ya know? People have suggested psych evaluations in order to own firearms, but it was brought to my attention this actually violates citizen’s Fourth Amendment right to privacy. I joked that we could always implement a law that states you may only own single shot weapons without a psych evaluation. Semi-automatics would require a psych evaluation. Genocide by muzzle loader was once a big joke amongst our group…but it does make a valid point in a way…by the time you’re ready to get another shot off, half the building would have cleared out.

The point here is…gun control is not the answer and if you believe banning firearms is the answer, you’re a complete fucking idiot. Not to mention, you have no respect for the United States Constitution, or our country.

Oh, we should probably ban airplanes too. In a single day, four airplanes were used to kill nearly 3,000 people on September 11, 2001. They’re pretty deadly weapons. I had more arguments…but I forgot a lot of them. I figure this is a good enough start to get a heated argument going.







Treading where I normally don’t go this time around…

Where might that be you ask? My fears. Not my normal “rational” fears…snakes, tornadoes, spiders, June bugs, a slow painful death, yada yada yada. I know I know…I own snakes and mess with venomous stuff and I chase tornadoes. I’m pretty sure I’ve had that discussion in the past…yes, I’m also scared of them. But this goes beyond that…this goes toward my more irrational fears. My last two blogs (only one of which was published) both at least mentioned Katrina’s trust issues and how she’s scared to get close to anyone now. This one again involves trust issues…except this time, they’re mine.

First and foremost…Katrina has never done anything to lose my trust. She’s always been 100% honest with me and if something is bothering her, she has talked with me about it–EVERY SINGLE TIME. So before anyone jumps to conclusions and thinks she’s just playing mind games with me, let me assure you that’s not at all the case. However, in two out of my last three “relationships” and one short-term hookup, there were violations of my trust involved. I use quotes because we were seeing each other but we opted not to use the terms boyfriend/girlfriend as that made us sound like we were a serious couple and we didn’t want to be seen as serious…moreso they didn’t but whatever. Alone, those trust violations meant nothing…I was able to shrug them off and move on…but when those issues are added together, subconsciously they’ve done a lot more damage than I ever realized. Well until a few days ago when those realizations finally hit me.

The basic issues came down to being used…one girl got pissed at me for random shit and was always looking for a reason to be mad at me, except when she was lonely and needed something, usually money or a ride somewhere. I later realized this when she would message me every time she was between boyfriends and then just as suddenly as she started talking to me again, she’d ignore me. A couple days later, new relationship. The other girl…boyfriend cheated on her with a stripper. I’d always been attracted to her, but she was in a relationship since the day I’d met her. When she broke things off with her boyfriend, we became “bar buddies”…getting drunk together almost every night…my friends tried to warn me to be careful, pointing out the signs that things just didn’t add up with her whole “ex-boyfriend” situation, but I was stupid…and I told them they were wrong. Nope…they were right. I was informed by her on Christmas Day that her “ex” proposed to her at a family function…and she accepted. OUCH. Turns out, I was just being used so she could get revenge. After looking back on it, I’m fairly certain they had never broken up. Had it not been for spending time with my brother and my buddy Cory on Christmas, I probably would have went off the deep end after that all went down. It really hurt.

The other girl, I don’t even want to talk about. Not that it’s too painful. But that shit doesn’t need to be public knowledge. We’ll just leave it at her being a lying slut and I was stupid and wanted a rebound to piss off the previously mentioned girl.

So combine all them lying to me about shit…and now you’ve got a guy who just doesn’t have trust in women anymore. Or rather in this particular situation, as I DO trust Katrina, I’m scared to get too close for fear that things would go sour and I’m scared of anymore heartbreak. It’s like I’ve said in the past…I don’t know how much more heartbreak I can take before it finally breaks me down. A few days ago I noticed that this has dictated a lot on how I’ve handled things with Katrina. When I seriously care about a girl, I’m not a fast mover….but the relationship progresses at a steady pace. I’ve noticed that I’m not making hardly ANY moves this time around…I’m moving things along at a snail’s pace. I mean taking things slow is good…I think it helps to build a stronger relationship and knowing she has her own trust issues, I don’t want to rush anything at all, but I’m moving so slow that I’m scared Katrina thinks I’m not interested in getting serious with her. That couldn’t be any further from the truth as I do see us having a future together and becoming a happy family provided I don’t scare her off first. At the same time, I see this as being a hurdle that I’m going to have to overcome…I need to put my trust issues behind me and move on…or else I’m going to have no one to blame but myself when I fuck things up. I’m done running though…I’ve run from relationships in the past due to irrational fears…and this time running away from my relationship isn’t an option.

So I guess this post isn’t so much a blog about me giving you folks my opinions with a solution in mind…but rather, I’m asking for advice here…something I very rarely do. For those of you who have dealt with a lot of heartbreak and developed trust issues, how were you able to put it past you so that you didn’t fuck up a perfectly good relationship with someone who has treated you better than you deserve?