No, really…blogging is a nice way for me to end the day…this is a two parter. I could make two separate blogs, but I’m getting really tired so I better just do one long one.

Part 1

Today is Mother’s Day…and I guess for those who still have mom’s to celebrate it with, it’s a big deal. But I don’t. However, I’m not going to let that drag me down or make me bitter about it. My mom was the greatest mom I could ever ask for. Sure, as a teenager we fought…a lot…but as the end of her days grew near, we also grew much closer together. She taught me a lot. How to respect women, how to write HTML code, how to behave like a good kid (for the most part). When I was bullied in school and would take it out on her by yelling and insulting her and then going off to my room to cry, she’d come down there and cry right along with me and convince me that it wasn’t because I was a bad person. She supported my hobbies when nobody else could understand why I was so intrigued by them. When I started keeping lizards, she’d come down and ask me to get one out so she could hold it. She rarely refused to let me get a new pet as long as I could prove I could take care of it and didn’t need to turn my closet into a giant lizard cage (yeah, she did turn THAT one down…LOL). When my friend gave me the baby rat his snake wouldn’t eat, she sat in the kitchen every 4 hours bottle feeding it…and even though she was originally terrified of their thick, hairy tails…she fell in love with that rat. We spoiled her until my mom’s cancer got so bad none of us had time to socialize with her anymore and we found a great, loving home for her.

In the end, she never gave up on me. I was all over the religious spectrum as a kid…”Christian”, agnostic, atheist, satanist, agnostic, believer but refusing to accept Christ into my heart…every day she prayed for me to accept Jesus into my heart…and I refused. I felt she wouldn’t give up as long as she knew she may never see me again. I “caved” after a while…not due to her pressure…but some stuff happened that made me break down. It wasn’t because I was too weak to continue on…but because I had proof placed in front of my face that I couldn’t logically deny and it was then that I broke down. I accepted Jesus into my heart. Three days later and she lost her battle against cancer. Maybe the cancer was just too much for her…or maybe she finally was comfortable leaving us because she now knew we all could handle her death and she knew she’d see us again someday. I don’t know and I never will. So I just want to say thanks to my mom…even though she’s no longer here…she ensured that I turned out okay. Thank you, Mom.

I also want to wish my grandma a special thank you and a happy Mother’s Day as well…for raising the woman who did all those things above. Without both of them, I would be a completely different person today. Thanks Granny! Happy Mother’s Day!

Lastly, I want to wish one other person a happy Mother’s Day…she’s one of the best mom’s I know. She’s raising her son without hardly any assistance from his father. She works full time and goes to school full time in order to ensure that she is able to give him the best life that she can. But most days at the end of the day, all I hear from her is that she’s not good enough…or she’s a bad mom. And that’s not true at all. She kicked me to the curb when she thought I wasn’t willing to be there for her son. She ended things with her ex-fiance when he put her family at risk even though it was probably the hardest thing she’s ever done. She’s a mama bear and he’s her cub and she will protect him until the day she dies. If more moms were like her, society would be much better off. I couldn’t afford flowers…but I know you read this, so happy Mother’s Day, Katrina. You’re a great mom and I don’t ever want to hear you say differently!

For the rest of you moms out there…happy Mother’s Day to you all as well!

Part 2

I’m starting a business.

I’m not quitting my current job…at least not for a long while. Right now, I still don’t want to give away my business model or any specifics…partially to keep my ideas safe until I get things rolling and partially because even though I’ve only had this idea for less than a week now, it’s still evolving very quickly. The idea I had originally wasn’t even half of what I’m up to now. Let’s just say this idea is a service and revolves around stuff I’m very familiar with…and just to run some numbers by you folks, if I can get 500 people involved at my goal price once fully established…I could be bringing in $120,000/yr with very little overhead. Of course…IF I ever get to that, it’ll be a year or three…plus a constant year of offering that service to those people. I also have a business partner involved so we’ll be splitting the profit too.

Regardless…even if the business flops…it’s unlikely I will lose a dime on this venture.

As of today, I came up with a name and purchased a domain name. Just need to get graphics done and purchase the software and I can get the ball rolling. My goal with this is really quite simple. I want to pay off all my debt. If it takes off and I end up making much more than my current debt, then I want to be able to purchase a small, modest home…in full with cash…within the next few years. For now though, the focus is just getting the business established and then marketed….one step at a time…but I’m making headway. I’ve spoken with very few people about this idea…a few family members but mainly friends who are business owners as well as my boss who is a multimillionaire. They all agree the idea is solid…it’s just a matter of if I can market it well enough or not. So we shall see.

More information will be revealed as I make progress on things…logo design and header/footer graphics are next in line!

By the way…what the fuck does “shaboink” even mean? I just thought it sounded cool…and apparently nobody on Urban Dictionary knows either since there’s like 6 completely different definitions. lol

Debt reduction plans…total flop. I mean I wasn’t irresponsible with my money for the most part…it just never really took off. I’m still slowly gaining some ground, but not like I had all planned out. However, the other day while mowing a field and trying to stay awake…I was doing a lot of thinking and a lightbulb went off in my head. I’m not going to say I’m going to get rich…or it’s even guaranteed to pan out. However, IF it does…there’s a good possibility that it will solve all of my debt problems and then some. It’s going to take a lot of dedication and some sick marketing sense…but I think I can pull it off. I don’t want to go into details as I don’t really feel like giving a great moneymaking idea away before I’ve gotten it rolling (greed can make your supposed “friends” go for the throat if they can steal an idea and take off with it on their own).

I tried to get into the dating site thing again…what is this, like the 14th time? Let’s see… OKCupid.com…really cool concept, but hasn’t done a damn bit of good for me. PlentyofFish.com…holy fuck is it a crazy magnet or something! But here’s how things play out…

1.) I send a message out and no reply.
2.) I send a message out, I get a reply and she ends up being super clingy/flirty within hours of initial contact.
3.) I debate messaging her but I think about my ex and realize I’m not over her…

I really don’t know why it’s so difficult getting over her. I’ve never had a problem moving on with anyone else. Not girls who blind sided me and dumped me out of nowhere that I thought were perfect, nor those who I more or less happily dated for over 2 years (no offense, Amy). When I say I’m heartless, normally I mean it…I can make someone “dead to me” and never look back…aside from when I’m looking for a fallback girl. But this one…I can’t get her out of my mind. I ran into her psychotic ex at the bar the other night…he did his best to intimidate me while playing it off like he’s a “nice guy” now…and I won’t deny one bit, I was scared shitless that he was gonna break my nose that night, but even after that. It didn’t shake those feelings…she says she doesn’t want to upset him by taking me back or something like that. And perhaps there’s more to it…but I just wish she’d realize he’s always going to be crazy and the only craziness there is with me is that I know what I want and I don’t want to give that up, whether it’s chasing catastrophic tornadoes, playing with deadly snakes, or risking a huge crazy mother fucker busting my face in because I’m with “his” girl.

I think the hardest part to shake is how when we dated before, I got nothing but compliments…I’m not gonna sit here and list them, but it basically came down to…I was different. And I made it obvious that I cared very much for her. So I just find it extremely hard to understand how a person can refuse to be with someone who supposedly made them so happy all because they don’t want to upset their ex…who obviously wasn’t too concerned about her feelings when they were together. And then not long ago she mentioned that one of my biggest flaws was that I wanted nothing to do with her son…which while completely untrue, I admit could have been interpreted that way. And had she seen me in my “relationship” before her…she would have realized that given a little more time, I would have proven that to her. I still feel like that’s what’s got her so hesitant.

I dunno…it sucks. I just hope if she doesn’t change her mind, my business idea takes off so I can take my mind off things…because the whole dating scene just ain’t working out for me right now.

I’m pretty sure I had a couple more topics to cover…but I’m feeling quit drowsy now….so yeah, goodnight fuckers.

…and then you come to realize, you’ve never fallen so hard in your entire life. With just a few simple events, you’re at rock bottom and nothing you do can pull you out of that slump.

That’s where I’m at now…my depression has been near record highs. I’m not suicidal…I deal…but things are pretty fucking terrible. My sleep schedule is fucked. I wanted to be on a pretty decent schedule when my boss came home. Yeah, right. It’s never been worse while he’s at home. I’m just really thankful he’s been extremely patient with me regarding it..and because of that, I’m trying my best to work extra hard and ensure I still got my hours in for the week, even if it means working 7 days a week rather than 4-5. That alone is hard on me…but the work stress with no days off is better than having free time to let myself sit and think even harder. I’m dangerous when I’m left alone to think for myself. Nothing good ever comes from it. Or maybe I should say, nothing people would expect ever comes from it.

My love life is a fucking shipwreck. Why is it when I had girls I was seeing, I had girls I was once interested in lining up for me. Now that I’m single again, nobody I’m interested in will give me the time of day. One girl I was seeing briefly is literally begging for me back…but I’m looking for love and I want to eventually settle down. I’m not looking for a fuckbuddy. If I know I’m not interested in a relationship with someone, I usually try not to pursue anything with them. If I feel there’s a possibility, then I’ll give it a shot. So that situation in itself is really depressing. I did meet one girl on Plenty of Fish…seemed cool…and within about 6 hours was begging to hang out and meet me and getting waaaay too flirty. I quit responding and then just said “Fuck it…” and deleted my account. I’m good at that…

I almost deleted my Facebook account, but now that I’m setting up my birthday party at the bar, I decided I’ll at least keep it going until then since that’s my form of advertisement. I’m turning into a recluse. I don’t know if I really like it…but it seems like if I can get rid of everybody in my life, maybe I can actually be satisfied being alone. Or at the very least, maybe when there is literally NOBODY there, I can kill myself with no guilt. I don’t know. You know, looking back…my ex has been talking to me lately and has mentioned she’s at an all-time low herself. I’m sitting there trying to help brighten her mood and here I am in the same boat. At least I never denied being a hypocrite…

I started talking to my grandma about the possibility of moving back to Illinois…I don’t see it happening, but it’d be nice in a way. It’d put me closer to my family, the church they go to there is great and maybe I can go more often and actually start to find myself a bit. But while it’s cake just packing up and moving when you have no debt and no bills, when you have a shitload of debt and a bunch of bills, it’s downright impossible. I can’t even imagine the amount of money I would need right now just to pack up and move somewhere.

My brother and I have been talking with our dad about the possibility of starting up our own business eventually and us moving to Florida to work together. We’ve been brainstorming ideas and have come up with a couple interesting ones that could eventually pan out. Main problem though is the cost of the move/affording living expenses until the new business takes off. I think it’d be awesome to do…just not sure how feasible it is. I’m willing to do anything right about now…I’m honestly losing my sanity and would LOVE to get it back.

All I ask for is a little bit of happiness, but apparently that request is just too much.

I thought about writing something special…but between the depression and writer’s block, I really couldn’t think of anything special to write so I’m just going to compile a few things all in one blog. 9 years ago today, I lost the greatest mother one could ever ask for to cancer. Still feels like yesterday.

Memorial video I created for the 2011 Relay for Life in Macon County, IL

Memorial video I created for the 2006 Relay for Life in Macon County, IL

Website chronicling her battle against cancer (written by her with photos):
http://www.cagmom.com/cancer/cancer.html

Flashbacks

Imagine for a moment, you were awoken early this morning. About as early as you would get up for a typical highschool school day. Except, this morning is Easter morning and you don’t have school today. And today, when your light is flipped on, you aren’t given 5 more minutes to sleep before your dad comes down to holler at you to hurry up and get out of bed. Instead it’s your grandparents and they’re saying, “Get up! Your parents are at the hospital…the ambulance came and picked your mom up around 4am and your dad says we need to hurry!”

So even though you were at a friend’s party until nearly 3am and you’re angry that you were woken up after just a few hours of sleep, you fling yourself out of bed and get dressed as quickly as possible. The visits to the hospital aren’t anything new, but you know something is wrong…there was never any urgency before. You go upstairs to find nobody else is ready yet…so you tell them you’re driving yourself even though your license had been revoked months ago and you grab your keys and start to head out the door. Of course, you are stopped by your grandpa who refuses to let you drive because your grandma doesn’t need anything else to worry about…so you oblige and you wait an extra 10 minutes before everyone is ready to go.

You all pile into one vehicle and make your way over to the hospital where you rush up to find your parents. When you find the room your parents are in, you walk in to find a very upsetting scene. Your dad is sitting there holding your mom’s hand and she’s laying there on the hospital bed with an oxygen mask on pumping 100% oxygen at maximum capacity, and your mom is still unable to breathe. It is then that you realize, your mom isn’t coming home from this trip, you break down crying, and run over to hug your mom and tell her how much you love her. Everyone else does the same.

The doctor comes in and explains to you all that there are two options. There’s a procedure he can do where he coats the lungs with a chemical that will essentially scar the lungs and seal them, but it would only be a temporary fix and would probably only give your mom another week at best and her condition would remain about the same.

The other option was no better. They would start giving her high doses of morphine to help make her comfortable. She would lose consciousness pretty quickly and then every hour they would come in and increase the dosage until her heart would finally just stop beating. You do not feel comfortable making this decision alone, nor does anyone else in the family so you ask your mom what she wants to do and she says it’s time. She tells you not to worry, she’s not in any pain. The doctor gives you and your family a few minutes to say your final goodbyes. As you’re telling her goodbye, she gasps something in your ear about some letters she’d written. You barely understand it, but you nod your head and tell her you’ll find them.

The doctor comes in and begins to set her up with the morphine pump. The nurse fixes a “Do Not Resuscitate ” band onto her wrist and they walk out. Around noon, your mom loses consciousness for the last time. All that is left to do is wait and cry. Today is the day your entire life was just thrown a curve ball. Around 3pm, your grandpa drives you home to take care of the pets–let the dog out, feed the parrots, etc. He drives back to the hospital while you’re doing that. You know you’re not going to miss anything exciting. Your mom is never going to wake up and the most you’re going to miss is her taking her last breath, which isn’t exactly a memory you want embedded in your mind.

A couple hours later, you hear a door close, and your dad, is standing at the bottom of the stairs. Your dad is the toughest person you’ve ever known. He’s never cried in front of you, not even after he learned his grandma died. And he breaks down bawling and says, “She’s gone!” and grabs you in a hug. All you can do is sit there and cry together, knowing the family you once had has just been ripped apart. An emptiness lays within the house. Everybody returns from the hospital and all anybody does is sit down and mope around the house. There is no Easter dinner and nobody is smiling and laughing and enjoying the fact that today, you are all together as one big happy family. Today has officially become the worst day of your life.

Your friend knocks on the door about an hour later and asks if you want to hang out. You tell him the news about your mom and he sits there in shock before saying, “I’m sorry…I’ll leave you alone tonight,” but you tell him it’s cool, you need to get away from things and suggest going for a drive. So you jump into his car and do what you do best when you’re bored with a full tank of gas…you drive until you have no clue where you’re at…and then try to figure out how to get back home. Not many words are spoken on this drive, mainly just reminiscing about the past, but it helps you tremendously in dealing with the immediate pain of your mom’s death.

For you, this was just an imagination…for those of you who are close to your families, probably a painful imagination. For me, this wasn’t an imagination. This was Easter Sunday of 2003. This was real.

Happy Easter.

P.S.

After ransacking the computer room looking for the letters my mom mentioned to me while saying our final goodbyes, I found them saved in a folder hidden away on her computer.

The dating scene…unchanged. I know I’m going to let out a little too much information here, but she’s told me not to let her reading my blogs dictate what I write about so I guess we’ll see how this goes. I can’t get over my ex. I’ve tried moving on multiple times…and as of right now, I’m still actively making an effort [to move on]…but I don’t see anything happening. I think part of it is, there’s a couple girls I’ve had some interest in trying things with and I’ve made attempts and have either been shot down or ignored (which I’ll take as being shot down without the disappointment). On the online dating front…same deal really…I message the girls who seem interesting and yeah…no reply. Not even a, “Hi…you’re fat and ugly. Fuck off,” which to be quite honest would almost be appreciated right about now. I messaged another one tonight, but as usual, don’t really expect much from it. To be honest, it doesn’t really feel right anyway. It’s one of those things where every time I send someone a message I’m like, “Man…what if this girl DOES reply…and then __________ decides she wants to give things another shot? Fuck!” But I also hope that maybe either things will work out with me and the girl I message and I can move on…or it’ll at least occupy my time while my ex takes the time she needs to get over her ex. Don’t get me wrong though…I get plenty of messages from girls who are interested in me…but there’s just NO physical attraction there. I’m looking for someone who I’m physically attracted to that feels the same way. So far, no dice.

On a related note though… while I am spending a lot of my free time with my ex, I’m still hanging out with her as friends and not expecting her to make the call to try things again nor am I pushing for anything other than friendship right now. A lot of people don’t seem to be gathering that as I’ve received messages from some friends asking, “How’s the progress with __________?” and I’m like, “Um…same as always. Not exactly trying to accomplish anything currently.”

A friend of mine/friend’s ex posted a quote tonight that I really liked…and it made me hopeful that maybe that’s what’s going on with my ex, but to be honest, I don’t know. And I know she certainly doesn’t, but I’m hoping she’s able to interpret it the same way I’d like to.

“sometimes things have to fall apart to make room for better things.”

Either way, I guess there’s not really anything I can do…I’m looking for long-term relationships, not fuck buddies (I know, I know…after the last girl I was with it doesn’t seem that way! No need to remind me!)…so I guess I just gotta keep on doing what I’m doing and everything will just fall into place like it’s supposed to whenever it’s supposed to do so.

Lastly…I’m growing more and more sick and tired of my website every day. The activity levels have been picking up…but unfortunately those responsible are young, super religious, homeschooled bible thumpers and they have nothing better to do than argue EVERYTHING we talk about on there because it goes against their religious beliefs. They’re from a competing website that most of my members were once members on before it went to hell. I’ve always prided myself on my site being laid back…with limited censorship…being able to talk about virtually anything…and we’ve always had a “family” atmosphere. Lately…it’s like we’re a freaking daycare center caring mostly for elementary school kids with overactive imaginations. It’s gotten to the point where not only has half my staff had to step up and say something as “official staff members”…but my co-admin has had to step up and threaten to issue infractions (basically warnings with points attached — x amount of points will automatically ban a member for a specified amount of time) and it’s annoyed me to the point that I’ve flat out told them that if they continue their bullshit and I’m in a bad mood, I’ll ban them for the hell of it solely because I’m the head admin and I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. I meant every word of it…but I hate that it’s come down to that on MY website…which we’ve always prided ourselves for never having to be like that. I don’t know how much longer I’m gonna be able to stick it out before I hand it off to someone else and let them deal with it. My admin is already talking about leaving us…not because he’s sick of it but due to lack of computer time…and one of my founding members/staff members has chosen to step away due to all the childish behavior as of lately. I’ve had that site running for approximately 7 years now…so it’s not like it’s just something I created for fun that isn’t anything special. Most of my members are proud to call it their online “home”.

Just don’t really know anymore…money is tight, but I need to come up with a little extra so I can do some shooting. I found out the local gun shop has my dream gun available for rent on their range…and it’s only $8/hr (plus ammo costs) + lane rental on the range. The gun runs around $1200 new so there’s no chance of me buying it anytime soon…but I’d LOVE to shoot one. It sure would be a nice stress reliever. I need to finish sighting in the .22 rifle I have at work too…it’s shooting low…the other night I shot it at a raw chicken hanging from a rafter at around 100 yds and missed by about 3″ (too low). When I get that scope sighted in, I think I want to be able to hit a pop can at 100+ yds without a bench rest. Accomplishing that would definitely help the self-esteem. For now…I just gotta keep on keepin’ on.

There’s a few things that have led to me realize this though…one of the biggest things–reflection. When I am alone, I reflect on my past. I am ALWAYS thinking deeply, always questioning why, and always searching for the answers to those questions.

The other? The recent situation involving my ex. She’s dealing with a very difficult break-up. Like usual, I don’t like to detail other people’s personal lives in my blog, so to summarize, the guy proved to be the piece of shit that I figured he was, he’s now proved to her and everyone around her that he’s a legitimately crazy mother fucker, and even after all that, she can’t move on. Or I guess I should reword that–she can’t get over her feelings for him. Lots of people wouldn’t be able to get over their feelings for an ex in a situation like that. Rational thinking says they should be able to, but I can name about a dozen people right off the top of my head that have been in similar situations and had the same issues she’s having. And then it takes me back to that whole “reflection” thing, I’m not like that. If I were in that boat…and I have been in a lesser sense…I’m just like, “Okay, yeah, we’re done,” and a week later I’m dating someone else. Now don’t get me wrong…the feelings don’t just vanish and I haven’t totally forgotten about them. But it just doesn’t bother me to move on with my life and pretend like nothing ever happened once my brain has said, “You’re better off without her.” It’s really not so much an emotion thing when I fight for someone I care about. To a degree it is…I’m not ENTIRELY heartless, but it’s like I am equipped with an on/off switch for caring and I can flip that switch anytime I want.

There’s a few reasons for this…

The death of my mom
This is without a doubt the number one reason why I am the way I am. Try having the person who raised you, the parent you were closest to, the one who supported you in almost everything you did when nobody else would, leave you one day never to return. That’s what happened to me. That alone nearly ripped my heart entirely from my chest. I got through it, but anybody who knows me knows I’ve never been the same. In many aspects I’m stronger…I can handle damn near ANYTHING thrown at me now…but a lot of me disappeared that day too.

Frequent bullying in school
I was bullied as far back as I can remember…for the most part it was just verbal bullying. I hung out with the geeks and because of that, I became a geek. Few people outside my “circle” ever stopped and actually tried to get to know me. I had people who told me I talked too much, people who did nothing but make fun of me for my clothing styles, my hobbies, my friends, etc. I had friends who had problems with acceptance themselves that in turn pushed me around so they’d feel tougher, “friends” who bullied me around because I didn’t believe in God, and classmates who would push me around solely because their friends found it funny. Funny thing was… up until about 7th grade, I was very extrovertive. In fact, I was so outgoing, my progress reports almost always said something along the lines of “talks too much in class”, “needs to pay more attention”, etc. By 8th/9th grade…I had become an outcast. I no longer spoke to anyone outside of my group of friends, I stopped participating in class discussions, and I really just kept to myself 90% of the time. My progress reports switched to, “Doesn’t participate in class”, “Needs to get involved in class discussions”, etc. I had made a complete 180. I also switched over to wearing almost all black and had more or less begun claiming Satanism as my religion. At one point a classmate who actually took the time to talk to me admitted that most of their friends thought I was most likely to come in and shoot up the school because I was the quiet kid who just sat there minding my own business…

Because of all this though…I am the person I am today. In a way, it’s nice. I can move on from damn near ANYTHING without it seeming to bother me one bit. Sometimes stuff eats at me a little…but for the most part, it’s nothing too bad. Death is second nature to me…when my childhood best friend died…I was in shock, but I finished my lunch and went on with my day. When another friend killed himself a couple weeks ago, same deal. “Oh man, sorry to hear that…” and I was okay. Breakups…same deal…as soon as my brain tells me they’re no good for me, they’re out. But at the same time, being like this sucks…because I lack the ability to actually help those I care about out. I can offer advice based on what they should realistically do or offer words of encouragement…but I can’t actually step into their shoes, because it’s been almost 10 years since I’ve had the ability to do it in my own shoes. Everything I say or do is based off of talks with other people who have been in similar situations because to be honest…I barely remember what it’s like to be in those situations myself.

I’m tired and probably rambling…but yeah…that’s where I’m at…

Now I’m going to go eat my midnight snack and pass out for the night. Have a goodnight folks.

Learned some stuff today. The effects of things I do while drinking can linger on for much longer. Hooray.

That was sarcasm.

I’ve been away from Keno for over a week now. Not one single game. I still feel the urge to play…but I’m resisting it. I think I’m going to shoot for another week now that my current “bet” is up. I play Mega Millions a little ($5/week) and that’s probably what I should stick to. Much cheaper. I’m trying to get caught up on my financial shit while attempting not to lose my sanity. Unfortunately, it’s not exactly working out that way. My sanity is about gone, I just hide it well.

Sooooo…one remedy I’ve been working on. I put a little money into my Jeep’s stereo system. I had scrap wood from when I cleared out one of the empty buildings at work. So I built a new box for my old 10″ subs I’ve had laying around at home. I then found a cheap(er) but highly reviewed amplifier to push those subs and picked up a wiring kit. The amp should be here today, wiring kit probably tomorrow or Thursday. I know, I know…I should be paying shit off not dumping money into unnecessary stuff, but music is the gateway to my soul and without it, I would have lost my sanity long ago.

On top of that, I’m throwing more focus into stormchasing this year…all these tornado outbreaks and I’m not chasing near as much as I’d like to be. I’ve been wanting to get a cheap second vehicle to help cut down on gas since I’m gonna be driving back and forth to/from work a LOT this year while raising up a deer fawn so I figured I could dual-purpose it as a chase vehicle too. The goal would be to buy something cheap that’s good on gas and mechanically sound (nothing sucks worse than breaking down on a chase)…then equip it to handle most of the weather conditions thrown at it and toss in our radio gear and such. Ultimately I’d like to try to get a sponsor or two for it…help us cut our fuel costs down and get us the credentials to get into some of the action zones to help out with cleanup a little easier. A lot of people think I’m crazy refusing to give this “hobby” up…but it just feels right…and this song has kinda sparked the motivation I need to refuse to give up on it.

Lastly, I’m beginning Phase 1 of becoming a hermit…I’m sick of putting effort into shit only for it to end up in disappointment. So phase 1 begins today. Unless I have business with you (whether it’s work related or not), I will not be initiating contact with you. That goes for Facebook, phone calls, text messages, and any other forms of communication. If you want to talk to me, you can contact me and if I feel like it, I’ll respond. There are some people I may make exceptions to who haven’t left me disappointed…but for the most part, most of you won’t be hearing from me.

Phase 2 will begin whenever I feel like it. I don’t know the specifics of it as I don’t have some elaborate plan drawn up on how to become a hermit…but it will probably involve disabling my Facebook account until further notice. It may also involve only utilizing my phone for work and family contact and nothing more, unless I choose to put that into a “Phase 3″. I figure this will make things easier on myself when I finally grow the balls to just pack up and take off like my brother’s been trying to get me to do…plus if I die while out doing something you all have considered to be a stupid hobby, it’ll leave a lot of you less upset.

By the way, there’s talk of a potential tornado outbreak Sunday…let’s see how that changes as the week progresses and see where it ends up predicted to hit. I’m ready to chase some tornadoes.

So anyway…few things I wanna touch on…with one topic in particular.

First an update to last night’s blog–Cole, our black lab at work is doing better. I got him into the vet today. His hips are good…arthritis had a lot of inflammation in his spine which is what is causing his issues. We changed his medication and will be monitoring him to make sure he gets back to normal. Poor dog is stuck taking 7 pills a day though…that’s a fun battle for both of us.

Last night I also commented to Tom, the owner of the bar I frequent, that I need to cut back on Keno. I told him I’m going to attempt to avoid it for at least one week. I set the bar kinda high for me…I haven’t played since St. Patty’s Day. I told him I won’t play until at least Tuesday. That forces me not to play at all over the weekend which is when I spend the most money on it usually. Tom laughed. He doesn’t think I can do it. So it gives me a little more motivation to stay away from it. I know I really do need to avoid it. If I can keep it in check like I do my drinking and only splurge once every month or two, I’d be okay with that…but even lately I’ve been known to spend $50-100 a week on it just trying to “win my money back”…and I really want to start focusing on debt reduction. I need to get my shit together sooner rather than later. On a similar note…I sat at the bar tonight sipping on my WATER…and decided to do the math to figure out how much I drank Saturday night just to satisfy my curiosity. So I borrowed a pen and a napkin and started working out the equation…I couldn’t get it exact because I was lacking multiple variables but I was able to ballpark it. I drank somewhere around 5-6 amaretto sours…and 9 or 10 shots. All but one being 100 proof Rumple Minze…and one shot of Sam Buka or however it’s pronounced (which tasted absolutely god awful). That is after figuring in all food…drinks purchased for others…tax, etc. Oh and one jello shot…but I don’t really count that since there’s hardly any liquor in those.

So tonight while driving home…I’ve come to realize I have hardly any friends left that are usually free. I can name two, maybe 3, off the top of my head who would be free on any given day to meet up for lunch or dinner or something. Everyone else isn’t necessarily bad friends or anything like that…they just have a life and very little time available to actually get together without planning things in advance. Kinda sad that everyone’s growing up…and people wonder why I spend most of my free time working, avoid social gatherings, and spend most of my free time in a bar. There’s nothing else for me to do without being overcome with loneliness.

Lastly… the main topic I wanted to bring up.

Death.

As some might consider it, “my suicide”…lol. No, I’m not talking about actually killing myself. Read on, you’ll understand what I mean by the term “suicide”. I’ve made some choices in my life as of lately that quite honestly are extremely risky choices. I apologize for being so vague, but it’s not something I really care to discuss so I’m going to keep things very general. What it comes down to is I was discussing things with my dad today and he told me I need to stop doing those things or it could get me killed. Something I am well-aware of. I replied that he can call me dumb, but I just can’t do that. He re-iterated that it is extremely risky and could get me killed and it happens quite often. I’m not angry with him or bitching at him here…so any family reading this, don’t call him telling him that I’m pissed at him. I love my dad and respect his opinions…I also fully understand what he’s saying, but call it having a little too much faith in God or just being a complete idiot, I don’t let it bother me. I mean I’m scared of dying…there’s so much I want to do and so many questions I have about death that are still unanswered…but I won’t live my life in fear. I am a firm believer that we all have a predetermined time/place/reason for dying.

This point has been further solidified by two friends of mine who have tried to kill themselves and were stopped by some unexplained force. One tried to drive around a sharp curve at over 100mph with the intentions of driving off the road…he remembers entering the curve and he remembers exiting the curve, but nothing in between. His car never left the road. Think along the lines of Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus, Take the Wheel”. The other friend tried to kill himself via an interesting method which I will not detail because it would make it too easy for mutual friends of ours to identify him–but as he bent over to do it, he was alone in the middle of nowhere, and he felt a hand grab him firmly by the shoulder and literally YANKED him backwards off his feet, sending him crashing to the ground on his back. I’m not going to preach religion here…but regardless of whether it was Jesus Christ or some other unexplained force, it supports my opinion that we die when and how we are supposed to. If that plan is messed with, you can try and you won’t succeed. Those friends were lucky…both resulted in them being totally okay afterward, but I think failed attempts of suicide resulting in injuries (I’ve spoken with a guy who is deaf in one ear because he attempted to blow his head off one day many years ago and after shooting himself, he lived through it), car accidents, etc are the same way.

I’m a crazy sonofabitch…most of you who know me well can see that. I go on trips every year to mess with venomous reptiles. There isn’t an ounce of fear in my body as I’m sitting there going in for close up shots of a rattlesnake in the defensive posture. I chase tornadoes and want to get even more seriously involved in that. I work with some of the most dangerous animals in the country as a large part of my full-time job. I operate heavy machinery at work as well which is extremely dangerous in itself. Any of that could kill me at any day…but I would have more regrets NOT going out and doing it because “it could kill me” than doing it and dying in the process. I refuse to have my life dictated by the dangers of my hobbies. It makes me happy doing that stuff and I just do my best to do it as safely as I can. I know some of you are saying, “How do you SAFELY chase a tornado or mess with a rattlesnake?”

The answer? Sometimes you just gotta hope God actually answers prayers…LOL

If you listen to the following song…the intro before the song starts pretty much explains what I’m saying. I’m scared of death, but I refuse to live my life in fear. I do what makes me happy and if I die in the process, there will be no regrets. I am who I am and if nobody is willing to accept that, it’s fine cuz I still don’t give a fuck.

So why do I bring this up?

I got a phone call from a friend of mine today…a friend of his who’d recently become a friend of mine as well killed himself a few days ago. We never saw it coming. Nobody did. Why? Because just like I’ve said…people who are ACTUALLY suicidal don’t discuss their intentions of killing themselves. Recently we had a project planned that we were all going to be working on together and my friend contacted me to let me know his friend wouldn’t be able to meet up with us like we’d planned. Our friend had met up with him that morning and told him he was depressed and almost shot himself. The only thing that stopped him was he couldn’t stand the thought of making a mess all over the carpet. He realized he needed help so he was telling him because he’d made the decision to check himself in and get professional help that afternoon. He spent a while in rehab or whatever while they got him setup with some antidepressants and they sent him home. The last time we talked to him, a few weeks ago, he seemed to be back to his old self. Happy and doing well. I guess that wasn’t the case. My friend called me as he was leaving his viewing today. I didn’t know him real well so I’m not taking this super hard or anything, but he was a good guy and it’s just really got me thinking about everything. It’s not like he was a young kid or anything either…this was a man in his early 50′s who was doing pretty well for himself. It’s just nuts not being able to see the kind of pain people are feeling…I hope none of my friends are anywhere close to that point. I know sometimes I come off as being suicidal, especially in my blogs and the music I post on Facebook, but I’m not, I promise…blogging and depressing music help me to vent. Besides I’m fairly confident cancer or something is probably going to kill me well before I deem it necessary to kill myself.

On another note…today was just an all around bad day. Before learning about my friend, pretty much everything that could go wrong at work, DID go wrong. And to top it all off, as I’m leaving I notice Cole, our black lab at work, wasn’t responding to my calls. I’d noticed he was limping a little bit the past couple days (he is on medication for arthritis). I go into the barn where I store their treats and called for him again. Lilly, our 2 yr old chocolate lab comes flying in…and after a few moments, Cole comes hobbling inside and lays down very painfully. I increased his dosage of arthritis meds and gave him some stuff to hopefully help out but I’m not sure if it’s going to do much for him. He just laid there and when he tried to stand, he couldn’t. When I sat there petting him, it was very obvious that he was in a LOT of pain. I’m going to try to get him some children’s tylenol or something tomorrow morning and get him into the vet. He’s getting pretty old though…I bet he’s 10+ years old easily. He’s had arthritis issues for years. I’m worried if it’s too far advanced that I may have to be the one to make the decision to put him down or not…I can handle pets dying…I dealt with more loss in my childhood than most deal with during their entire lives, but being the person responsible for taking a beloved pet’s life isn’t something I’d feel real proud about. I guess I can only hope he’s improved come tomorrow and get him into the vet asap. I don’t have high hopes though…when I left, he was laying outside his pen and wouldn’t get up to go inside there and lay on his bedding. Instead he chose the asphalt.

Work has picked up a ton…I’m more or less living out there now. I come home long enough to let my dog out for a bit, check my Facebook/website, listen to a few songs on youtube and pass out. Then I repeat everything all over again. I’m on track right now to pull a 50-60 hour work week. I’ve barely spent any time in the bar the past few nights…which is uncommon for me…and I haven’t played Keno since Saturday night. I told Tom, the bar owner, that I’m going to try to avoid Keno for a week straight. I decided even though I haven’t played since Saturday night, I won’t consider my “week” over with until Tuesday. So we’ll see how I do with it. Tom laughed…so I think I need to avoid it to prove that I can if nothing else.

Speaking of last Saturday night…that was interesting…

To summarize it:

I drank a SHITLOAD. Somewhere around 6 mixed drinks and 7+ 100 proof shots…most of my friends can vouch for me that I can hold my liquor pretty well and I had enough that night to not only cause me to black out, but I loosened WAAAAY the fuck up…way more than I should have. I was walking around sporting my awesome St. Patty’s Day hat…until I sold it to another guy at the bar for more than I initially paid for it. We were knocking back shot after shot after shot. I ended up outside in the grass…my ex showed up even though I told her we’d be fine walking back to my work. She didn’t think we’d even be able to make that walk (and admittedly…she was right…) so she decided she was gonna give us rides wherever we needed to go. Shortly after she showed up, I started blacking out…so here’s what I remember…laying in the grass, being knee deep in the river trying to pull a submerged tire out while screaming at my buddy to get in and help me (I have no recollection of how/why I got in there…), puking my guts out in the grass, attempting to pass out in the grass, being drop kicked by my friend while laying in the grass (either for mouthing off to him or refusing to get up), an interesting confession I made to my ex (makes me wonder/worry about what else I may have confessed…………lol), another “ex” showing up [briefly?], paying a $100.54 bar tab and having everyone who works there going “Holy shit!” when they saw it, my ex giving me a ride to work so I could sleep the alcohol off in my office, puking my guts out outside the barn right after she drove away, passing out in my office…waking up to my face smashing the floor 2 hours later (still drunk) due to one of the wheels falling off my office chair while I was dead asleep. Sucks when you learn that your falling dream is due to a legit fall…LOL

Um…yeah…needless to say, it was a really good night. I wish I remembered more of the end…especially things I said while laying in the grass…so I know just how much I made myself sound like a fool.

There you go…a lil recap of the past few days. I’m beginning to ramble so enjoy what I’ve left you…I may add another new blog within the next day or two, but for now…I can barely keep my eyes open. Hopefully things start to turn around…I need a vacation bad…but what good is a vacation when you’re taking one all alone?

“Just remember I am how I am because of people like you. Your past shapes your future.”

That got me thinking even deeper yet though. Our peers can hurt us just as much as our “loved ones.”

Tonight as I was leaving the bar, one of my best friends texted me. As he put it…he had fallen off the wagon. He’s been sober for quite some time now. Some shit happened tonight and he cracked open the bottle for the first time in probably 1-2 years…and by the time he texted me, it made most of my drunken ramblings on Facebook look totally coherent. His reason for doing so came down to two things…

1.) Some stuff said in a fight earlier amongst a group of us friends had led to some personal insults being thrown out there and while I don’t think they were intended to be taken too seriously by the people throwing them out, I think it really hurt him.

2.) This is the big one that it took a while before he finally brought up…he thinks his ex got herself a new man and even though they’d tried to work things out in the past, he still had feelings for her and was really bummed out that she was moving on.

Everything we say and everything we do has an effect on the people around us. Even stuff said as a joke or sarcastically can really take its toll. I mean just look at my post on Facebook earlier today about mom’s who only talk about their kids and how it drives me nuts. I was pretty vague with my initial post and not only did I piss a bunch of people off by not clarifying but I had my ex pretty upset with me which in itself made me feel pretty terrible since I enjoy being able to put a smile on her face most days. And of course during that time, my own drinking and gambling problems had to be brought up and it just makes me feel even more like a piece of shit. I mean this isn’t directed toward anyone in particular…it’s not a “fuck you” post or anything like that…just observations of pretty much everything along with the effects. I’m losing sight of everything and dwelling on what my peers think of me…while feeling like absolute shit for driving people I care about away from me with the things I say and do. Believe it or not, once upon a time I actually cared…but you can only fix a broken heart so many times before the effects start to become permanent.

I’m debating taking a little vacation for a while…disabling my Facebook account so I don’t get the urge to check it (not deleting it…just disabling it for a while), removing the app from my phone, ignoring most people’s phone calls/text messages, etc. I think I’ve pretty much got my ex mindfucked…so I can give her the space she needs to deal with her personal demons, nobody has to see me bitch about anything, make drunken posts, post regarding Keno losses, offend them with my opinions, and so on. I’ll just spend more time at the bar…and focus on what I’m good at…drinking and losing money on Keno. And maybe I’ll get more hours in at work too. To be perfectly honest…I’m losing my sanity. I need to get out and do some shooting…and if the weather stays nice, put some more miles on my rollerblades. Ugh. I’m going to bed now. Sober. Goodnight.