Numbness

It came out of left field. I know I should have saw the signs, but I didn’t. Or I guess I did, but just had no idea everything was so bad.

I won’t lie, it broke me. I begged you to reconsider but you had no desire. I quit eating and slept as much as I could. I took off most of the week from work and burned up my check from a big side job I’d done to keep the bills paid. I had friends from all over talking to me to make sure I was ok. I’m very thankful for those friends because the truth is, I wasn’t. I was a complete wreck. After all these years of getting to where we were, I couldn’t picture going back to my life I had before.

It’s been 2 1/2 weeks now and the depression has more or less subsided…or at least returned to what it’s always been. We’ve taken numerous opportunities to talk things over. I’ve taken time to figure out a plan B so I don’t have to pack up and move from an entire house back into a single bedroom again. I still want to fix things…to write a future with you, but when we talked last weekend, I feel that was more or less confirmation that our relationship was over. You said you are happy again being single and that’s great, but I never left and nothing has changed from when we were together.

Perhaps you are happy…at the idea of being single…but will it last once I’m actually gone? It’s like me telling everybody that I’m a successful stock trader because I have a new mentor…but I’m not. I’m still losing money, but I’m happy with the idea of it, IF it pans out like I expect it to.

The other night I went out and did what I love to do. I chased a dangerous, potentially tornadic storm. It didn’t produce anything, but it was one of the best chases I’ve had this year because for once I didn’t have that little voice in the back of my head going, “Don’t do anything toooo dangerous.” Instead that voice was saying, “Give it all you got and enjoy the ride!”

But I saw a different side of you that night when I returned home…maybe you were having second thoughts and then changing your mind…I don’t know. You acted like you were doing me a favor by “letting” me sleep in the bed instead of on the couch, but it was quite clear you wanted me there beside you.

Ever since, there’s been a bag of mixed signals. I gave up on pushing the issue. There’s only so much fight I can put up and only so much you’re willing to take before I start pushing you away…so I’m just trying to bite my tongue and leave well enough alone.

We’ve gotten along so much better lately. You say it’s because we’re broke up. I say it’s because I wanted you to see that when my eyes were opened, I could still be that guy you wanted. You keep denying it and crediting the single life but at home everything is the same as before (less any physical intimacy) and even what you’re doing outside the house is all stuff I never prevented you from doing before. Literally nothing has changed except our attitudes. It won’t be much longer before I’m really gone and you’re experiencing the single life rather than the idea of it. Are you ready?

Every day I wake up, I miss getting those kisses goodbye as you were leaving for work. I miss curling up together on the couch to watch movies and I know I was too stupidly involved in playing on my phone to realize how much I was neglecting you. I miss the random ass smacks/grabs in the kitchen. Most of all, I just miss being the one who made you happy while simultaneously driving you crazy. You know, the guy who you drove soooo fucking crazy the one night screaming at me, I had to do something extreme to make sure I didn’t hurt you…so I smeared a heaping spoonful of mashed potatoes across your face while telling you to lighten the fuck up.

I just hope you’re making the right decision now because while I miss all those things, I’m no longer heartbroken.

I’m simply numb…and numbness is a feeling I can cope with.

Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we’re already fightin’

Young Noah: Well that’s what we do, we fight… You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.

Young Allie: So what?

Young Noah: So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.