Losing my Mind

The past few days have been pretty rough…and unfortunately I’m unable to pinpoint a specific cause. I think it’s a combination of work stress, life stress, Relay for Life stress, and relationship stress, but I don’t know for sure. Normally I function better under stress which is why I try to keep myself so busy with multiple projects…but maybe this time I just finally reached that breaking point. While at no time have I seriously considered suicide I will admit that there were times where I seriously WANTED to do so and had to shake myself of that feeling. Yeah, it was that bad and that’s really rare for me.

The work stress will pay off in the end as I’m going to be gaining so much experience in a field that’s completely new to me…but it’s REALLY tough right now because I’ve had so much work piled on me and it’s stuff I have zero experience with. I’ve been trying to settle a million dollar insurance claim, fighting with city management, going back and forth with the insurance company and construction manager trying to get ready to begin demolition and reconstruction of one of our buildings which burned up in a fire last October (which I am now in charge of overseeing) and a bunch of other stuff. As if that wasn’t more than enough we’re discussing building two more buildings at the same time. I’m setting up and in charge of enforcing two different land-contract type of deals. I’m being put in charge of rent enforcement for the current 9 buildings being leased out in our industrial park. And on top of that, I’m still in charge of all the stuff I was in charge of the past few years. For those who don’t know, that’s the work that was once handled by myself, another girl and two or three separate companies. Yeah, things may be slow in the winter time, but I fucking dare you to tell me I don’t work during the warmer months. I actually feel like I have more work on my shoulders than I did when I spent a summer bottle raising two deer fawns. And during that period of time I was at work 3-6 times a day, 7 days a week for 3 months straight. I was home about 4 hours a night.

The life stress is mainly due to my own stupid actions…after getting in over my head with the IRS and getting behind on taxes for 3 years (that’s about $12,000) I finally just gave up and began ignoring the notices. I was told the IRS cannot do anything that would cause financial hardship (ie they can’t make you homeless). I guess cutting off your sole bank account which contains your rent money and all bill payments isn’t considered financial hardship…because they totally hijacked my bank account last week. I called and agreed to be compliant (while wishing the next Revolutionary War would begin so I could sit back and begin laughing at those crooks as the private militias fled in and killed everyone within their buildings) and they agreed to release the money. Of course, the bank apparently didn’t receive the first fax. So I called back 3 days later and asked them to fix it. They re-sent the fax and I crossed my fingers that they received that one before my credit card bill came due. As of Friday or Saturday my money became available again…with exception to an $80.00 fee they assessed me for whatever reason. So now I went from having a little cushioning to money being extra tight again. And I still need to file my 2013 taxes by May 30th and renew my license plates. Ugh.

The Relay for Life went fairly well…our team raised $160 just in on-site fundraising, plus I raised an additional $350 from my boss and my grandparents’ last minute donations. I think we’re going to be just over $2000 once all the donations are turned in. I ended up so swamped during it…I’m going to help out again next year, but now that I know what to expect, I need to put together a full sub-committee for Activities & Entertainment because two people trying to run everything all night long, plus setup and teardown just isn’t very easy at all. There were points that night where I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off…Amanda was helping me out a bunch and at one point I was trying to help get the band setup since they arrived early to setup and sound check, work things out with the karaoke guy, host a frozen tshirt contest, stamp the team’s hourly check-in on their spirit sticks, AND I was also supposed to start a balloon stomp contest which we’d COMPLETELY forgotten about while trying to do everything else. I felt terrible…I blew off most of my friends who showed up, my grandparents came to visit and help our team out from Illinois and I barely got to talk with them, my niece came to visit and I think the most I said to her was, “Hi Abby!”…I hadn’t seen her in two years and all I had time for was very literal “Hi.” That alone really broke my heart. I finally ran out of steam at around 6am and managed to get a 2 hour nap in. Our closing ceremonies really hit close to home for me…a lot of memories of my mom came flooding back and with that ceremony being so emotionally charged, I teared up quite a bit during it. I didn’t leave the Relay until 4pm even though it ended at noon…I stuck around and helped tear down everything. Then I ran to work and swapped vehicles (I had borrowed the dump truck and some tables for the Relay) and spent the next few hours at the bar fixing a computer for my bartender.

After all that I went home and still didn’t fall asleep cuz Amanda was gonna come over after she got off work at 11…plus I wanted to type up my “Post-Event Relay Report” with suggestions to improve the Relay next year while it was fresh on my mind. So I worked on that…Amanda came over and I ended up upsetting her pretty bad. I won’t go into detail on that but I’ve come to realize that I’m not very good with relationship stuff and I’m even worse at showing her how much I care about her. I mean I tell her all the time, but I’m not good at actually SHOWING her so she knows I’m not just bullshitting her. That’s something I really need to work on though because I don’t want to run her off…and anyone who’s sat and talked with me for any length of time knows how I feel about her. I think I’ve bragged about her to nearly every person I’ve talked to lately. She really is that great. I guess I’ve just spent so much time over the past years hiding my feelings from everyone and not really being all that involved with anyone that I’ve just gotten stupid when it comes to relationships. I don’t really know if there’s any other way to explain it. I definitely don’t have any acceptable excuses for it. That’s all I know.

The breakdown finally hit me this morning…I went to bed around 2am last night. Somewhere around 41 hours of being awake aside from that 2 hr off-and-on nap. I haven’t done that since I was about 19 when Roth and I stayed up for 48 hours without sleeping just because we were bored and wanted to see if we could do it. I slept until 8pm today, only waking up briefly to let the dog outside. I felt awful. Aside from the fact that I was so miserable from upsetting Amanda last night, I physically felt as if someone had tied me by the ankles to the back of their truck and drug me across a freshly harvested cornfield. When I met Matt for dinner earlier tonight, the first thing he said when I got out of the car was, “You look like Hell!” So yeah…that’s where I’m at now I guess…

I need to see how work goes this week but if everything smooths out like I’m hoping, I’d like to disappear to Florida to visit my parents for a few days around the 1st of June. I really need to get away and take a break. Depending on how the money situation is, I wouldn’t mind doing the same thing in Illinois sometime after that. Or I may just wait until the Relay at the end of July and spend a few days there then. I dunno…I definitely need to do something before I lose any more of my mind. It’s almost completely gone.