Every year the winter blues hits me, but this year so far has been the worst. I think I need some kind of break soon…I’m burnt out on life and am totally lost as to what to do, where to go, and so on.

I guess there’s just been too many changes all at once…this year my parents moved to Florida. Our family Thanksgiving was moved to my aunt’s house (which was still good…just different from the normal tradition), and my grandparents decided to go to Florida before Christmas this year. I normally only make it back to IL every other Christmas (I used to alternate between Thanksgiving and Christmas every year), but ever since I can remember, we always spent Christmas at my grandparents’ house. So not only will I not be spending Christmas with my parents, but I also won’t be spending it with my grandparents either. We basically had our Christmas at Thanksgiving. This year I just can’t get into the Christmas spirit…I probably won’t be able to afford to go to IL for whatever new “tradition” goes on (if anything)…my parents will be in Florida still. I planned to go down to visit sometime around or shortly after Christmas but the state decided NOW is the perfect time to demand payment for my taxes owed this year and I have 60 days to pay them back in full or it’ll be sent off to the attorney general for collections or prosecution. Ugh. So my plan thus far…sit around watching tv and get hammered ass drunk. Or go to work. I know some of you would love for me to join you…but its not necessary and it won’t do much good because it’s your family, not mine…I’m not in the spirit anyway.

On top of all that…I’ve never been the strongest Christian, but I’ve really started questioning my faith this past month or so. Part of it stems from selfishness…the fact that all I ever pray for is happiness and ultimately I’m still unhappy and totally depressed. Part of it stems from seeing good people die far too young. I don’t understand how a loving god would let that happen. Part of it is seeing how there are a number of “Christians” out there who are some of the most ignorant mother fuckers I know of. Hell, I’m even getting sick of seeing all these, “Put the Christ back in Christmas! You’re destroying our holiday and everything it stands for!” types of posts…it seems most people aren’t aware that Christmas was fabricated by the Roman Catholic Church in order to try to convert people over from Paganism. “Christmas” and many of its traditions were originally a Pagan celebration of the winter solstice. I just don’t know anymore…nothing seems to make any sense at all…

Or maybe I’m just losing it?