I guess I’ll never understand it… I thought she was finally beginning to realize I was right and that people don’t change, but nope, it appears I was wrong. Serves me right for saying I was gonna try to move on and instead getting my hopes back up. I’m not blaming her for that one…I was the one dumb enough to get my hopes up.

I’m pretty sure my alcoholism is beginning to creep back up to me…but oh well. I started thinking about it and I think I’ve drank almost every night this past week…and I’ve probably drank more this past month or so than I have the past 2 years combined. On the plus side, I’m able to loosen up, forget about all the bullshit here, and have some good fun with my friends. I’m not eating as much so my money problems aren’t getting too much worse aside from when I really got into playing Keno…trying to cut that shit out now…it was fun when I was winning, but it really sucks ass when I blow $100 and don’t win more than about $10 back (if that). Time to cut my losses and stop for real this time…normally I wouldn’t care…especially as of lately since I’m lonely as fuck and have nothing better to do but sit at the bar spending my paycheck, but I gotta get my Jeep fixed and catch up on a few bills and Keno is stopping me from accomplishing that.

I brought up on another blog that I’ve considered getting the fuck out of here and starting over…that consideration is still there. I don’t know what I’ll do yet. Admittedly, I’m still hoping my ex will realize her boyfriend is a piece of shit and doesn’t truly love her…it’s become very obvious to me that he simply feels like he OWNS her and every time he starts to realize that she’s wising up and catching on, he does just enough for her to bring back that spark of hope in her so she’ll continue to stick around. That’s probably the biggest thing thats holding me back other than money…just hoping she’ll realize everything and come back around…and if I leave, it won’t matter because it’ll be too late then. If she doesn’t ever realize it…oh well I guess…I hope she’s happy with the decisions she’s made, but I know I could have given her so much more…and I think deep down she knows it too, but she’s still stuck believing that things will go back to the way things used to be with him. And they never do.

I had a potential job offer the other day…and depending on how everything here goes, I’m considering it. I personally would like to move out west somewhere…or closer to my family in IL…preferably southern IL so I’d be a couple hours from my family but in a more scenic area with a lot more reptile habitat (ie Snake Road). The only drawback to that is most of my family is more or less moving out of IL now it seems like too…so if I move there, it seems like I’m just gonna end up in a similar situation as I’m in here–alone for the most part. If I go out west…I can start over…but if I run into bigtime trouble, I’m also far away from any assistance. Not to mention since most of the places I want to live are kind of in BFE, finding jobs over there is going to be a real pain in the ass. I was looking in Kansas earlier…and aside from very little houses for rent and the cost of living being about the same as it is here ($500+/mo for a small house), there are very few job openings nearby. It seems like in order to live in BFE, you gotta drive an hour plus just to find a city with jobs.

The offer I was given came from my parents…in Florida…if I’d be willing to adjust my hours (which I could do depending on the hours I’d have to work), they might be able to hook me up with a job down there. Plus if I worked to save up some additional money here to help support myself once I got down there, my dad would do what he could to help me get on my feet since I’d be proving that I’m trying to better my life and not just trying to bum off of him like I did for quite some time before I moved out on my own. I’d love to live closer to them…but I know how hot and humid northern Florida gets in the summer and I don’t really like the thought of that. But it would be accepting of my CCW…plus as a friend of mine mentioned, they don’t collect a state income tax so it would help me out very slightly with getting my debt caught up. I dunno what I’ll do yet…my brother is hoping to move in the near future as well so I’m curious to see what he ends up deciding on too. I’d like to stay near my brother if at all possible…he’s talked about moving north though and I sure as shit ain’t going where we’re going to get even MORE snow.

I’m also considering trying college again…thinking about pursuing a degree in meteorology or something. That would kind of tie right in with my stormchasing, but would also give me the opportunity to work in the weather field as well…which would be pretty cool. The main thing slowing me down on that decision though is the fact that if I go THAT route…I’m going to accumulate even MORE debt. And I really want to start eliminating my debt. I’d like to be able to buy a house within the next 5-10 years and that will never happen if I’m in debt up to my eyeballs.

Enjoy the read…I’m also considering going the route of a hermit for a while…seems like everything turns into a big letdown anymore and I’m thinking about isolating myself from a lot of it. Mainly just disabling my Facebook account temporarily…using my phone exclusively for work…and requiring people who want to see/talk to me to actually SEE/TALK to me. I doubt I’ll end up doing it…but it’d be nice to just break away from everyone for a while and focus on finding myself.