While picking up some parts for work recently, I got to discussing depression with my roommate and it turned out to be a very interesting discussion.

We essentially came to the conclusion that depression has two primary causes–one being a chemical imbalance in the brain that can’t be solved without medication and/or appropriate medical treatment. The other caused by our environment. Basically…we’re unhappy because we don’t have good jobs, a steady relationship, plenty of extra money, etc, etc and all of that unhappiness and disappointment combined causes us to fall into a state of depression. We were analyzing various people we knew who are depressed and determining what kind of depression we feel they have, whether they are medicated or not. I also included myself for that analysis. I’m mostly going to discuss my personal battles with depression.

First, I agree with the conclusion above…though I want to go a step further and say that both types of depression can end the same way, treated or not. A person who’s depressed because they’re simply not happy with their life currently is just as likely in my opinion to end their life as someone with a documented chemical imbalance in their head. Why do I say that? Because while I feel that I suffer from fairly severe depression, I also feel that mine stems from environmental influences and I don’t think it’s due to a chemical imbalance. I’m not suicidal but if I didn’t care about the people in my life so much, I very easily could be…this isn’t a secret warning letter or a suicide note you’re going to find next to my body in the morning…this is simply as explanation so don’t take it out of context.

Sometimes people ask me, “How do you know you’re depressed and not just unhappy?”

When I wake up and the first thing I want to do is grab my .380, press it to my temple and pull the trigger, it is a good warning sign in my opinion. The reason why I consider it depression, I cannot pinpoint an exact reason for WHY I feel that way whereas someone who is simply unhappy would be able to figure out what that reason is.

Now why do I feel my depression is environmentally related?

-I have a lot of personal demons…I know I tell people often that I have no secrets and for the most part, that’s the truth, but I’m not going to lie…there is a lot of stuff I omit simply because it’s extremely personal and I am unable to talk about it without difficulty. If someone asks me something they want answered honestly even if it involves one of my personal demons, I will own up to it.

-My relationships are a failure. I haven’t been in a meaningful relationship in a long time and I often feel as if I won’t find anybody who meets my somewhat picky preferences in this lifetime and when I find someone who appears they may meet those preferences, they don’t express much interest themselves.

-I made nearly $24,000 last year and I don’t have jack shit to show for it…aside from a lot more debt and if I can’t dig up enough receipts to write everything off, about $8,000 in owed taxes. Fucking government.

I’ve started trying to better things for myself though…

I’m trying to start working out more with my roommate…I haven’t started following a strict regimen nor have I drastically changed my diet to the point where I give up in a week, just trying to exercise more so maybe I can focus on burning off a bit more fat and getting more into a shape OTHER THAN round.

I’ve started doing a bit of soul searching…for those who haven’t paid much attention lately, I picked up a book at church while I was in IL for Christmas called The Story which is basically a novelized version of the Holy Bible and nearly every single night before I go to bed, I’ve laid down and read one or more chapters of it. It’s nowhere NEAR as detailed as the bible…but it gives me a good summary so maybe I’ll get less bored when I start to study the actual bible. On top of that, I’ve already added a couple more books to my “to read” list…one being a fairly easy to understand version of the bible, one being The Purpose Driven Life which I never managed to read like 6+ years ago when it was popular.

As much as I love my job, I know I won’t be working it forever…and I’m basically trying to find something else I can transfer into when the time is right. Overall, I’m just trying to find a way for me to grow up and become a responsible adult. My dad is officially moving to Florida tomorrow morning…and once they get the house sold, other than my brother (if he chooses to stick around this time), I will be the only one left in Ohio. My family wants me to go to Florida eventually…but while I love warm weather year round, I think I’d absolutely hate the humidity in the summer. Winter would be great I’m sure though. I also have considered IL since the rest of my family is there…but I also am a big advocate of carrying concealed firearms and while I don’t have my CCW yet, it’s high up on my list and IL does not allow ANY form of carrying loaded firearms.

Aside from that…I like this area…I mean it gets cold in winter and hot and summer…and the local economy sucks…but my friends are here…and as much as I hate to admit it, this place has become my home. I’ve lived here off and on for approximately 18 of the 24 years I’ve been alive.

I guess what I’m getting at here…depression can be caused by environmental influences and I believe I am a perfect example of that. I am unhappy with multiple aspects of my life and am working hard to change at least some portions of that. To those of you who read this far…thanks for sorting through all my rambling…sometimes writing these blogs is my only way of maintaining a little sanity.