I don’t know how many blogs I’ve created on this topic… 4 1/2 is sarcasm, but it may actually be pretty close to the truth.

This is meant to go a little more in-depth as to who I am, because some folks just don’t seem to get it. Over the past few days a few issues have been brought up about my whole being a blunt ass, heartless bastard, dick, whatever you want to call me. Why? Because I have a tendency to come off that way. This isn’t an attack on anyone. This is me trying to explain who I am so that those who think I’m THAT bad might actually see me for who I am.

For one, a friend’s girlfriend recently “thanked” me for turning her boyfriend into a heartless bastard just like me…well, she didn’t thank me directly, but rather told him to thank me sarcastically…which it later came up in conversation. Of course, she has told him in front of me that he was turning into me…so it’s not like that was a surprise. I first want to clear that up. I am not coaching him on any situations. Sometimes he will ask for my advice and 90% of the time, he isn’t willing to take it. I tried to convince him to let me coach him for a few days and when he would later be asked why he had gotten to be such a cruel person, he could then respond with, “Those past few days, I took Josh’s advice on everything.” But he says he cares too much and he refuses to play that one out. Yes, I fully admit that when provoked, I go for the throat. Not because I want to make myself feel good by putting someone down, but because I want people to know I am not willing to put up with their bullshit and I will not play mind games with anyone. I’ve been used and abused and I don’t let that happen anymore. If I’m in the wrong, I will certainly own up to being wrong and if I was wrong and went too far, I will give a sincere apology for my actions. But if I’m right and you just want to provoke me and make me feel like shit, keep one thing in mind…you can’t put me through anything I haven’t been through and I am fully capable of sending you bawling on your way.

Today it was brought to my attention that most of my friends feel that my other friend has started taking on the same attitude as me since we began hanging out more…they’ve all noticed the change. I will agree he’s changed, but I claim no responsibility for his actions. I do not coach him on what to say as I’ve mentioned before, but I’m sure I’ve rubbed off on him some…and that’s okay. He used to be walked on by everyone and it could do him some good to finally be willing to stand up for himself. On top of that, he’s been stressed out beyond belief and I think much of his change in attitude is because of stress and he’s finally started to reach his breaking point and not because he’s been around me. If his change was primarily because he’s been around me, why didn’t I start rubbing off on him earlier? We’ve been good friends since the 7th grade and now, almost 13 years later, he finally starts to act more like me?

So just to put things out there… yes, I am heartless, AT TIMES. I know I tend to be anti-relationships and much of that stems from me being single and having difficulties finding someone who can tolerate me–someone who can give me a little freedom, some time with just the guys, who won’t try to change me “for the better”, who are okay with my job and tolerant of my hobbies (reptiles). It also stems from me constantly being bullied in school as a kid…my self-confidence isn’t very high so now if someone tries to lower it, I will wage an intellectual battle against them which they WILL NOT win…as well as me losing my mom at such a young age. When you lose one of the most important people in your life at such a young age, you tend to lose a large part of your emotions as well, therefore, it’s now that much more difficult to hurt my feelings. I am blunt because I believe people deserve to hear the truth…a true friend will not lie to their friends when they ask for an opinion. So if I have a harsh opinion, in most cases I will give it…often times it will offend and I’m considered to be a dick…but eventually they get over it and realize, “Hey…he’s right…” or eventually someone else who isn’t their friend will tell them the same thing. Either way, I don’t do it to offend…I do it to help my friends realize something that needs to be realized.

It just seems to me that my friends don’t realize how much I do care…in fact, I will admit that not only do I care, but I have a bit of a “hero complex”…not because I want the fame and/or recognition, but because I truly do care about my friends that much. For most of you reading this, I would probably be willing to take a bullet to save you from it even if it means losing my life in the process. I probably come off as being greedy since I’m constantly buying stupid stuff…like a new computer, dvd’s, parts for my Jeep, camera gear, camping gear…I could go on all day, but what you don’t see is that I regularly will sacrifice that money to help others in need. That’s because I don’t regularly announce when I help people out…because personally, it’s nobody’s business…(unless I’m writing this blog about it…lol). Just a few examples that I really have never announced… offering to help friends out with getting out of some debt they’ve accumulated, dropping an extra $20 on the table as a tip at dinner, buying a family member $100 worth of groceries and then putting $200 into fixing their car 2 days later, hiring a friend to help me on a winter project at work who’s car broke down a week before he was fired from his most recent job, paying for a friend’s speeding ticket who I barely knew in person…but I talked to frequently online (and even though I never cared about her repaying me, she did–just to put that out there… :) ). You see where I’m going with all this… I admit, I can be blunt, I can be heartless, but I also DO care…and I’m not an ass.