On multiple occasions, I’ve been questioned as to whether I’m okay or not based on new blogs I’ve written and/or Facebook status updates. Some people felt that I was suicidal and that some of the stuff I’ve written is more or less a suicide note before I off myself. This especially concerns those who know I am a gun nut and I tend to keep a loaded gun easy to access in a moment’s notice.

I’m not posting this blog to bash those people for simply being concerned, but to provide a little insight into my head which is something I often refuse to let people fully into.

I have depression. I have never been to a doctor for any form of treatment. I do not believe I am a danger to my life and I think seeking professional help is a sign that I’m giving up on life. Like with any other illness, I will self-medicate myself or use other forms of non-medicinal treatments. I can’t tell you what the extent of my “illness” is because of that, but what I can tell you is that I most certainly suffer from depression and some days it does make me feel as if my life is worthless and unnecessary and often times it does affect my personal life–both my job and my private life.

Imagine waking up in the morning and not even wanting to get out of bed. That’s me on a pretty regular basis. Feeling as if your life is so worthless and that you’re never going to make anything of yourself so you just say “fuck it” and go back to sleep. Eventually you realize you have a job to do that you cannot afford to lose…plus it’s a really good job…and you crawl out of bed and make your way to work. You spend most of your time talking to your Facebook friends because aside from your small group of friends, it’s the only place where you feel accepted by everyone.

Overall, you just don’t feel good enough for anybody, you’re constantly evaluating your life, your friendships, your job, your living situation, your relationships, your sex life….EVERYTHING…and you’re constantly realizing you just don’t measure up. Eventually those feelings overwhelm you…you sleep a lot, you write a lot of depressing status updates on Facebook, you just do everything you can to release some of those feelings. When you blow, it’s never good…it usually results in days of working and sleeping and not seeing hardly anybody…and those you do see, you snap on for virtually anything you can pick out (perhaps they just got argumentative about something you said you’d do that you hadn’t had a chance to get around to yet). You often feel the urge to end your life, but you know it’s too easy and would leave too many people hurting…so instead of doing that you find a release…that’s where my blogs and sometimes very controversial music video postings come in. My release is to write about things that are bothering me…and listen to music…usually darker/depressing music as hearing someone else sing of depression and suicide makes me feel better without actually trying it myself.

A lot of folks wonder why I often refuse to discuss what’s on my mind…while this IS a valid question, what they don’t realize is I’m the advice guy. I am the guy most of my friends turn to when they need advise on something…usually relationships. The advise guy should know everything and shouldn’t get caught up in his feelings. If I’m really bothered by something, I do have a few friends I can talk to…but for the most part, you will never see me contact someone directly for advise unless I think I’m losing my grip on reality. That’s about it though. Most of my friends have never and will never see behind the mask…and that is the real me.

There really isn’t any specific trigger to my depression…sometimes it’s because I’ve had a bad day or I’ve been rejected…other times I’m completely happy and then I’m left alone and I go into deep thought and end up dwelling on depressing events in my mind. I’ve often said that I’m the most dangerous when I’m left alone with myself.

Anyway…the main reason behind this blog isn’t to gather sympathy. I’ve been dealing with depression for many years and I don’t need sympathy or help now. I just want you folks to know and understand that I have no intentions of killing myself and that just because I seem to be really depressed doesn’t always mean I had a bad day, nor does it mean you were the one who caused it if you were the last person I spoke with.