Just wanted to state that the same day I posted that last blog, I’m informed that the girl I’ve been talking to has gotten engaged to her “ex”…yep, forget everything I said. Mindfucked again. Live and learn.

Every year the winter blues hits me, but this year so far has been the worst. I think I need some kind of break soon…I’m burnt out on life and am totally lost as to what to do, where to go, and so on.

I guess there’s just been too many changes all at once…this year my parents moved to Florida. Our family Thanksgiving was moved to my aunt’s house (which was still good…just different from the normal tradition), and my grandparents decided to go to Florida before Christmas this year. I normally only make it back to IL every other Christmas (I used to alternate between Thanksgiving and Christmas every year), but ever since I can remember, we always spent Christmas at my grandparents’ house. So not only will I not be spending Christmas with my parents, but I also won’t be spending it with my grandparents either. We basically had our Christmas at Thanksgiving. This year I just can’t get into the Christmas spirit…I probably won’t be able to afford to go to IL for whatever new “tradition” goes on (if anything)…my parents will be in Florida still. I planned to go down to visit sometime around or shortly after Christmas but the state decided NOW is the perfect time to demand payment for my taxes owed this year and I have 60 days to pay them back in full or it’ll be sent off to the attorney general for collections or prosecution. Ugh. So my plan thus far…sit around watching tv and get hammered ass drunk. Or go to work. I know some of you would love for me to join you…but its not necessary and it won’t do much good because it’s your family, not mine…I’m not in the spirit anyway.

On top of all that…I’ve never been the strongest Christian, but I’ve really started questioning my faith this past month or so. Part of it stems from selfishness…the fact that all I ever pray for is happiness and ultimately I’m still unhappy and totally depressed. Part of it stems from seeing good people die far too young. I don’t understand how a loving god would let that happen. Part of it is seeing how there are a number of “Christians” out there who are some of the most ignorant mother fuckers I know of. Hell, I’m even getting sick of seeing all these, “Put the Christ back in Christmas! You’re destroying our holiday and everything it stands for!” types of posts…it seems most people aren’t aware that Christmas was fabricated by the Roman Catholic Church in order to try to convert people over from Paganism. “Christmas” and many of its traditions were originally a Pagan celebration of the winter solstice. I just don’t know anymore…nothing seems to make any sense at all…

Or maybe I’m just losing it?

Don’t read too much into it…

…the song that is. I just threw it in there for shits and giggles.

You know, every semi-serious relationship I get into, I always have to quiz myself on the relationship…it’s a simple quiz, only one question, and to be perfectly honest, I usually fail it.

The Question: What is love?

The Answer: Well, I don’t usually have an answer…and thus I usually avoid using the term “love” until it’s used toward me. Even when I would use it back, I still wouldn’t actually know the answer…did I really ever LOVE them? No clue (and no offense intended).

Leave it to me to wait until a relationship has ended in order to start answering these questions for myself. These are solely my personal opinions and are not based upon any facts so don’t think I’m preaching to any of my readers that they have no clue what love really is. That’s not the case.

Love is…trying your damnedest not to make your girl cry…and when you do make her cry, you better feel fucking terrible and show her that she’s still your number one girl. I don’t mean go out and buy her roses or chocolates to suck up. Fuck material items. That just shows you use money to buy happiness. PROVE to her that she is special to you with gifts of affection.

Love is still caring about her more than life itself even after things are over with and you shouldn’t have to.

Love is never losing hope that she will come back to you one day, while giving her the space she needs in case things don’t happen that way.

Love is letting her figure out her problems on her own and offering only a few words of guidance even though you wish you could be there to hold her hand and walk her through every obstacle she comes to.

Love is letting her go while trying to prove to her that you’re making the effort to move on as painlessly as possible, when in reality, it’s killed the person you once were…but when you spend time with her or talk to her, you refuse to let her see the emptiness that has become you.

Love is painless, it is not forced, it is mutual and TRUE LOVE is never ending.

Love is not exclusive only between you and “the one”…but it is not an emotion that just bounces from one person to the next either.

Love is giving up on your search for someone else, because you cannot rid yourself of your feelings for her and as much as you hate being alone, it’s better for your future relationships that you remain alone until someone else comes along and replaces that feeling of love within you…for some people this can be a week and for some it can be years. There’s no set time period…it just depends on when the next “right” person enters your life.

I am in love with her…of course I had to realize it way too late…so now, I’m giving up on my search for a new girlfriend. Until someone else comes along to replenish those feelings of love within me, I just need to focus on me. It’s not fair to anyone else for me to force myself to date them when I’m still not over her and I KNOW I’m not over her and while I hate being alone…it’s definitely for the best. I know my family hates seeing me drink…but that’s what I’m doing more of (Hey! At least it’s better than Keno, right?) and to be honest, I probably won’t slow down anytime soon. Lately I’m not doing it so much out of depression. Yeah, I’m lonely…but being with just anyone won’t solve that anyway…it just helps me put my problems on the backburner so I can be happy without anyone else.

I hope this doesn’t get taken the wrong way…it’s not a blog about my depression or anything…just my thoughts on what love really is and how I need to deal with things in order to move on.

Some people wonder why it is that I keep sitting here hoping for a second chance with my ex rather than just sucking it up and moving on like I probably should. Normally, I can and do…or at least after a couple weeks I can. Either we break up and from that point on (or even earlier), I realize things wouldn’t have worked out or after a week or so, you know you get a chance to really reflect on things and you start to see signs you were oblivious to while you were dating that were dead giveaways that she just wasn’t the right person for you. Some of them were signs that you always saw but refused to acknowledge (ie when I dated my previous ex, she barely wanted to sleep in the same bed as me…she wasn’t a cuddler and hated being touched…I like girls who are fairly clingy when they’re trying to fall asleep. It makes me feel wanted. That was something I refused to acknowledge) or some of them were just little quirks that you end up realizing would have driven you nuts (ie bad habits). Well with this last girlfriend, I still can’t come up with a damn thing to put on that list. The closest thing I could think of was that she smoked, but when she was over at my house, she’d go all night without smoking…she just didn’t feel it was necessary when we were together. I’m not saying she was perfect, we all have our own little flaws, but there were no big deal breakers.

The other reason is because I still don’t believe she’s happy with the ex she went back to and I hope she comes to realize she made a mistake going back to him with the hopes that he would/has changed…why she hasn’t already left him yet, I don’t know, but I think she’s either still hopeful he’ll change, trying to force things to work in order to have a family with a guy she was once engaged to, or out to prove us all wrong. We hung out recently and she talked about him. I’m not going to sit here and publicly post everything since there’s about a 98.5% chance she’ll also end up reading this and I don’t want to piss her off by detailing private conversations we’ve had, but I’ll just say from the discussions we’ve had that so far most of what I figured was right, in my opinion. He hasn’t changed for the most part…he’s disrespectful, jealous and just generally treats her like dirt.

I won’t detail my other opinions of him, we’ll just leave it that I still believe he’s a piece of shit and so far from the discussions we’ve had, many of my opinions have been either confirmed or there is evidence that I was right about them.

The other night while we were hanging out, we ended up in a reaaaaally funny but awkward conversation…we’d gone outside to talk while she smoked a cigarette and another guy came out and joined us. We’re sitting around talking and after a bit he looks over and says, “You two should hook up. I can tell from your body language that you’re both into each other. Kinda looking over at each other but looking away to avoid eye contact. It’s really obvious.”

We kinda laughed and he’s like, “I’m serious! You both should! Are you together, are you even friends or do you not even really know each other?”

I’m like, “She’s my ex.”

He goes, “Ohhhh…well you should try things again. There’s obviously still a spark there.”

I can be a bit of an ass at times so I figured now was the best time of any to take a jab at her boyfriend… “Well, I’d be trying for another chance if she wasn’t dating some other douchebag.”

He replied, “Well, she’s about done with him. She just doesn’t realize it yet.”

Surprisingly, she laughed and said, “Oh yeah?” I don’t remember where the conversation went from there but when he went back inside, I swore up and down that I didn’t know him and didn’t stage that conversation…although he’s in there every now and then and I’m totally buying him a beer next time I see him because that was fucking priceless.

But yeah…the above reasons are the main reasons why I refuse to give up on us and just move on. I’m talking with other girls and have already told my ex I’m not going to wait around for her…I’ve gotta live my own life and move on if she never comes back, but I still remain hopeful that she comes to realize what she gave up and sees that he’s never going to change to be the perfect boyfriend/husband (or if he does change, the question…”for how long?” will always be there) whereas she was already happy with me and there was nothing I needed to do in order for her to be happy. I am who I am and I always will be.

Jason Aldean
“Do You Wish It Was Me”

When the sun slowly chases the moon from the sky
And touches your face as you open your eyes
What are you thinking? Do you like what you see?
Is it all that you dreamed of or do you wish it was me?

Is the life that you’ve chosen free from regret?
Or is what might have been just too hard to forget?
Has the glitter all faded? Do you get what you need?
Are you satisfied baby or do you wish it was me?

I know that you did what you thought you should do
It was safe and secure so completely thought through
You sacrificed passion and abandoned your dreams
Baby, was it all worth it or do you wish it was me?

Does each kiss seem closer to the first or the last?
Is the fire still ragin’ or has it burned down to ash?
Do the memories haunt you? Do they beg and they plead?
Are you satisfied baby or do you wish it was me?

Is the life that you’ve chosen free from regret?
Or is what might have been just too hard to forget?
Has the glitter all faded? Do you get what you need?
Are you satisfied baby or do you wish it was me?
Are you satisfied baby? mmm…yeah
Or
Do you wish it was me? (2x)
Oh,
Do you wish it was me?(4x)

I’m not a great poet…I also don’t write poetry very often…especially anymore. But a lot of people have been interested in stuff I’ve written in the past and I just realized I’ve only posted one or two on here…so here’s a blog with my full collection of poems. I’m going to leave them formatted the way I have them saved in their notepad documents. Too much work at 3am to change that. Scratch that, I reformatted them so they were easier to read. I also included the stories behind every one I recall the stories to in italics underneath each poem. Most are free-verse…I usually can’t express myself enough by forcing myself to make everything rhyme.

—–

And Then They’re Gone…

They’re your role model
Your best friend
Made from your strength
Filled with your love
But the man upstairs calls
And then they’re gone

Taken your strength
Swiped your love
He has robbed it all
No reason left to live
Or maybe there is
They’re called your friends

We’ll give you our strength
It makes us stronger
We’ll give you our love
It makes us love more
We’ll get you back on your feet
Back to the way things used to be

After all we’re friends
That’s what we’re here for
A shoulder to cry on
A wall of protection
We’ll hold onto you
Even when you’ve let go.

JB 8/2/05

**This was written for my friend Carrie after her grandma’s death. She and her grandma were extremely close and she was absolutely devastated when she passed away. I wrote this reminding her that all of us who were her friends were always here for her when she felt like she just couldn’t handle things anymore.***

—–

Bullet in my Head

You can’t even say it to my face
Hell, you can’t say it to me at all
I find out through the grapevine
About your planned addiction to alcohol

Does it make you feel special?
Does it help you to fit in?
I’ve yet to understand you
Maybe I just cannot comprehend

I hate the way you treat me
Yet I can’t stop caring for you
Everything you say
Everything you do

But now you really did it
You’ve put a bullet in my head
Maybe I should call it all off
And declare this the end

JB 1/17/05

**Once upon a time I was Straight Edge and I refused to touch alcohol…cigarettes…or any other recreational drugs. One of the people in our main group who I had a crush on at the time admitted to one of the guys that when she turned 21, she planned on drinking a lot more and limiting herself from hanging out with us.**

—–

Bulletproof

Running away from my thoughts
Never looking back
I just want to get away
Never to return

You will never understand
Not in a million years
I don’t even understand
And I probably never will

You don’t help matters any
One minute I think I understand you
Then you throw a curveball
And I’m confused all over again

Don’t wanna relationship
I’m a great friend though
Gee, thanks a lot
That ALMOST fixes my shattered heart

So you turn me into your nice guy
You tell me your problems
I sit here comforting you
And recommend a solution

No, don’t do it
I tried to tell you
But you didn’t listen
You never do

Why do I even bother?
Of course when I try to quit
Everyone gets pissed
“That’s not who you are!”

Well fuck you too
Why don’t you sit in for me
See how it feels
I can only take so much

What will you do when I’m gone, huh?
I hope you blame yourself
For the bullet through my head
And my brains decorating the wall

That will never happen
“I never saw it coming!”
Of course you didn’t
You think I’m bulletproof

But you’re not even close.

JB 10/16/06

**No idea of the story behind this one…but obviously it was about how I liked somebody and got thrown into the “friends zone”.**

—–

Disposable Friend

Look at me
Tell me what you see
Baggy black clothes
hiding those extra pounds
A constant frown
and an ice cold stare
Maybe if you’re lucky
you’ll even hear me speak

But look beyond that
Look into my eyes
Beyond the hatred
Beyond the hurt feelings
Look at the real me
Full of love
Always wanting to help
Putting others in front of myself

I’ve gone through so much
Experienced what no one should
Been an outcast all my life
Lost my mom at sixteen
My dad’s an alcoholic
But what about me?
I’m still here
Helping you and ignoring myself

My love life sucks
It’s never been great
I think I’ve found a keeper
Nope, nevermind
I’m too nice
Too innocent
A great friend
But only that

But am I really even a friend?
I put my life aside for you
Life for you is good again
I’m like a towel
You use me while you need me
Then you throw me in the hamper
Oh I get it now
I’m the disposable friend

JB 1/17/05

**This one is about all the girls who I like that spend time with me and get to know me…and then they friend zone me and use me as their advice guy. And once things are going great for them, they quit speaking to me until things get rough again.**

—–

For You (and only you)

Define perfection
Earthly perfection
What is it to you?

The “perfect” date…
A trip to the beach
Dinner and a movie
Maybe it’s just sitting at home,
enjoying the evening alone

Can anyone truly be perfect?
Maybe he likes giving greasy hugs
But not everyone likes to receive them
That’s not quite perfect

Or maybe she’s a night owl
Not everyone can appreciate that
Some can, some can’t
That’s not perfection either

Perfection is loving everything about someone
Not loving this aspect,
While hating that one
That’s just wishful thinking

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”
So is perfection
Nobody’s perfect to everyone

But when I look at you…
In my eyes, you’ve just defined perfection.

JB 6/19/07

**Definitely wrote this one for an ex of mine when we were still dating.**

—–

Growing Old

Laying in bed staring at the ceiling
Can’t sleep for the life of me
Finally decided to write
About me and about my life

Nobody’s ever gotten to know me
And at this rate nobody ever will
They see me on the outside
And assume they know what’s in the inside

But they’re wrong
Ever so wrong
I try to be a good friend
And end up being walked all over

All I want is a stable life
To enjoy every minute
And forget about my past
The future is where it’s at

Forget the parties
They’re worthless
Friends and relationships
Those are what’s important

I ask for one chance
One chance to prove myself
Instead I’m shot down
My face shoved into the dirt

Well someday you’ll awaken
And someday I won’t
Never found true love
Grew up and died alone

JB 4/21/05

**This one speaks for itself…basically that I’m rarely given the chance to prove what a great guy I can be and because of that, I rarely get involved in serious relationships and at this rate, I will die alone.**

—–

Look Through the Eyes of a School Shooter

I am different
The popular kids don’t like me
They make fun of me constantly
They dump my bookbag
And break my glasses

Sometimes I wear black to match my mood
They call me a goth and push me down
Every night I go home and pray
But nothing changes
Not a single thing

God has turned his back on me
I’m taking matters into my own hands
I’ll put a bullet in their heads
Make my classmates suffer
And take my own life in the end

“Do you believe in God?”
I used to
Maybe he’ll save you
But he forgot about me
*BANG*…looks like he forgot about you too

All I wanted was a friend
Someone to stand up for me
But nobody would
Now the gun’s at my head
My job here is done

…*BANG*…

JB 4/26/05

**This one always strikes up a lot of controversy. I don’t condone the actions of school shooters…but I understand that a person can only take so much bullying before they snap. People always blame the school shooters saying they were crazy… “Oh they were so weird!” “They never had any friends!” “They always sat by themselves at lunch!” Of course eventually people will man up and admit, “A lot of people used to make fun of him…” “He was often picked on…” etc. As someone who was bullied throughout my childhood, I am all too familiar with the effects of bullying. I am an emotionally strong person…I had found ways to help release pent up anger so I never snapped. Not everybody can do that…everything that worked for me didn’t necessarily work for everyone. This is about those who just couldn’t take anymore…and the thoughts that were running through their minds in the end.**

—–

Midnight Cruise

Cruising along at 80 miles per hour
This shitty day running through my head
The road is empty as far as I can see
I start to realize the weight of my foot
As it sinks down to the floor
85, 90, 95, 100…
The needle never stops
Floating over the hills,
Like a beach ball in the wind
I begin to feel super-human
Now it’s time for the test
Without blinking an eye,
I crank the wheel to the left
The adrenaline is pumping
All my feeling is lost
My front-end drops as my back-end raises
13 flips and my truck is in pieces
The ambulance arrives, but I’m nowhere to be found
I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt,
When my adventure began
100 feet away, my body’s been found
There’s nothing they can do
I’m already dead
Grown sick of my life
It was time for my wreck
My suicide

JB 8/22/05

**There were a few times when I was really depressed where I’d go out late at night on a back highway and just cruise at 100+ mph…I never planned on killing myself that way nor had any intentions of doing so, but I often thought about how easy it would be to just “accidentally” crank the wheel to the left, sending me and my truck crashing off the road and ending all my pain for good.**

—–

Not My Time

I’m giving it all up
it’s time to call it quits.
Taken too much shit
and received nothing in return.
Load all but one chamber
a spin and a kiss for luck.
Put the barrel against my head
With sweat pouring off my hands
I just can’t stop shaking
death awaits my next move.
Working up the courage
swallowing the lump in my throat
I Slowly squeeze the trigger…
Click.
Must not be my time.
Damn.

JB 1/17/05

**Obviously I wrote a poem about playing my own version of Russian Roulette with the sole intentions of killing myself, unless I was either extremely lucky or not meant to die that day. For the record, I do not own any revolvers and if I intended to kill myself using a gun…I’d just load one bullet into my Glock 27 magazine and play Russian Roulette that way. Yes, I’m being sarcastic. Anyone who owns a semi-auto pistol will understand why.**

—–

Sexual Chocolate

That sweet sensual taste
Flowing between my lips
Oozing down my throat
My brain in total bliss

I just can’t stay away
I can never have enough
If you try and keep me from it
Things just might get rough

Release my white milk
Fill it to the brim
Add the creamy paste
And a lil magic with a grin

It’s all about the motion of my hand
Never uttering a word
Proper preparation is vital
Good chocolate milk’s shaken, never stirred.

JB 4/27/05

-Written in collaboration with Eric Strawser-

**Eric and I were bored and wanted to write something fairly humorous…so we just started writing this via AOL Instant Messenger for laughs.**

—–

Someone Special

I can’t help but sit here
Thinking of all the lies she told me
But I’m not hateful.
To be honest, I find it kind of funny.

She introduced me to a mask.
Acted like she enjoyed every minute of it.
Told me she’d love to do it again.
And every time that chance came,
she conveniently forgot.

Must have been real important, huh?
But it’s all good.
I don’t really care.
I’ve long since moved on.
That last show just reminded me of it all.

Now I’ve got someone more important on my mind.
Someone special.
Much more special than she ever was.
I was just too blind to realize it at the time.
…until it was too late, and she was gone.

Now I’ve got a second chance.
…but i’m too scared to take it.
Scared of going through all the bullshit again.
Prolly gonna wait too long and kick myself in the ass.

I just want a sign that things will go right for a change.
Too scared to pray for it…
…every time I do, I get the answer I prayed I wouldn’t get.
So now I’ll just sit here and dwell on it.

Maybe she’ll read this.
Maybe she’ll understand.
And just maybe,
she’ll give me the sign I’m looking for.

…or maybe, I’m just plain fucked.

JB 1/24/06

**To be honest, I have no idea who either girl referenced in this is about or the story behind it.**

—–

Thinking of You

Lying in bed
Can’t sleep again
Images of you
Running through my head

Looking back
At all my previous failures
I never took a chance
It’s all just trial and error

Once I get you into my arms
I’m sure you’ll see
Beyond my cold eyes
You’ll see the real me

I’ve still got a lot to learn
Not quite a boy, not quite a man
But give me some time
And I’ll become all that I can

I don’t ask for your love
At least not right now
Someday I’ll unlock your heart
And you’ll never understand how

JB ’05 (undated–8/2/05 possibly)

**It was about a girl…if I remember right, just a crush, and things didn’t work out between us from day one. Well, she liked me…and I ended up deciding things just couldn’t work out between us. Out of fear mostly I think.**

—–

Thundering Sunshine

Have you ever been so happy
That it depresses you?
Everything is so perfect
And you’re terrified of losing it all.

And it’s those thoughts
that keep dragging me down.
Already gone further
Than I ever intended to go.

I’ve got everything to gain
And even more to lose.
But my heart says Go!
While my brain screams NO!

I swore I was done.
I always get hurt.
Now it’ll be nobody’s fault
Only my own.

This time seems different.
I just can’t let it go.
I don’t know why
Maybe she does?

All I can do is pray.
Pray that it’s meant to be.
And if it doesn’t work out
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

JB 7/4/06

**Another one about a crush..I THINK I know who this one is about, but I’m not 100% sure. Either way, things didn’t pan out like I’d hoped, but she ended up becoming one of my best friends and we’re still very good friends today.**

—–

Time

Waiting
For the right time
But never knowing
When the right time is

Jump the gun
Lose a life
But that’s all you got
Game over

But wait too long
Miss your chance
Too late now
Get back in line

Isn’t it funny?
This game of love
You only get one life
And then your game is done

In the end it’s all worth it
But getting there is half the battle
You may strike out ten times
Just to find that one

JB 4/27/05

**Self-explanatory…**

—–

Unloved & Broken

She’s unloved
Unloved by the one she loves
And she wonders why
Why she’s just not good enough

I wanna save her
Save her from her hell
But she clings
Clings to the hope that’s no longer there

It’s not her fault
not her fault he doesn’t care
But she blames herself
Blames herself for his selfishness

He doesn’t deserve her
Doesn’t deserve the beautiful girl inside
She’s broken and running
Running away from her pride

When she gets out of there
If she gets out of there
Maybe she’ll see
See my arms are wide open
To give her the love she needs

JB 3/20/05

**About a crush who was in a really shitty relationship with a guy who treated her like complete shit and caused her to become extremely depressed…but she refused to leave him always hoping things would get better or believing he was good and she was just a failure. She ended up leaving him and I got my chance with her, but things didn’t work out.**

—–

What I Really Want…

What I really want
I can’t get
I made a promise
I will not break it

Wish I weren’t here
I’d be better unborn
Better off dead
And breathing no more

I can’t do it
I want to
But I promised
Never to die

All I can do is sit here
Thinking about death
How sweet it would be
How glorious

And I sit in my dreams
Razor in hands
Slitting my wrists
And watching them bleed

With a gun to my head
And a marvelous click
My head explodes

The clock of life
Makes one last tick

JB 1/17/05

**I made a promise to those closest to me that no matter how depressed I get…my suicidal thoughts would remain just that, THOUGHTS. Not actions. So this is about what I really wanted to do even though I was only writing down my thoughts.**

—–

Who Are You?

I sit here writing
Thinking about these past few weeks
Started out great
I became a whole new me
A happier me

I’d gotten to know you
Didn’t know how I’d live without you
Who are you?
I no longer know you!

Got knifed in the chest
You’ve got a boyfriend?
Thanks for telling me
Thanks for killing me
The happy new me

I thought I knew you
Apparently I was wrong
Who are you?
I don’t even know you!

Barely eaten all week
Don’t even feel the need
And sleep…
Precious sleep…
What’s that?

I used to love you
I used to breathe you
Who are you?
I no longer know you!

You told me you’ve changed
I see no change
Still chasing the assholes
Leaving those who really care behind
Heart broken and dying

You say he is different
But it is you who is blind
Who are you?
I don’t even know you!

And now it is too late…

JB 11/27/05

**I had a crush on a girl…we’d been chatting every night on MSN Messenger. Flirting constantly. Hung out quite a bit. Went to a rock show together one night and when I come home from that rock show, I find out she had been dating a guy who she told me was “just some guy she barely knew on Myspace who had a huge crush on her” and they’d become official as of that night. It broke my fucking heart being played like that. The guy was a total piece of shit and I had tried to tell her that but she refused to listen. I felt better in the end when she gave up her virginity to the guy and he got her pregnant that first time…and then he ended up being a huge piece of shit and left her (if I remember right, he left her for another girl) shortly after the kid was born.**

—–

You Can’t Fire Me Now! I’ve Already Quit!

My effort’s been low
And my temper’s been high
Living like this,
It’s how I get by

I’m sick of the truth
I’d rather hear lies
Baffle me with bullshit
And kick my ass to the skies

I take my gun now
And prepare for the pain
I’m sick of your puzzles
Your ridiculous games

As the bullet enters my head
My mind relaxes a bit
You can’t fire me now!
I’ve already quit!

JB 8/22/05

**Suicidal as usual…I wasn’t waiting around for my time to die. I was making it my time.**

—–

Head Over Heels I…mpossible Love

Laying in bed
I cannot sleep
It’s turned into a habit
It’s become part of me

Everything was great
Until one day you left
You sucked the life out of me
Clear down to my last breath

I tried moving on
I put on a fake smile
Didn’t fool anybody
So I crawled into a bottle

I partied it up
While wearing my mask
Always remembering
Never forgetting our past

Apologies were issued
Mixed signals were given
Maybe just friends
Or could we try things again?

I tried to ignore it
But I’m just wasting my time
It’s time to accept that
You’ve never left my mind.

**The most recent one I’ve written…about an ex. She left me for an ex she wasn’t over. We recently started talking again and I’m not over her even though I’ve pretended to be pretty much since day one. But…she’s left me confused as to what her intentions are and I’m not sure what to think. I want to stay friends if that’s all we can be so I don’t want to say the wrong things and push her away, but if she’s feeling things out with me and having problems with the ex she went back to, I’d much rather have her back because she’s the best thing to happen to me in a very long time. It’s a shitty situation to be in all around, let’s just put it that way. I guess I could have explained this all in a nutshell with just the title which is my favorite part honestly–I still want her, but I can’t have her.**